What a putrid year for movies. After one of the best years in 2013, except for a couple of notable exceptions, 2014 was a film silver-screen-cesspool. Not that everything was a complete turd, but just finding anything that was not just meh…was a beating. Not only was your humble reviewer scrambling for great movies…I was scrambling to find the biggest shit heaps.
One of my greatest joys is finding giant Roto Rooters. And remember, as of 2014, I don’t review retreads. Whether it’s Transformer XV or Star Wars VII – ALL OF THESE MOVIES ARE ASSUMED TO BE A VEHICLE TO BILK THE PUBLIC OUT OF ITS MONEY. They don’t get Old Dan Cedar’s time, money or publicity (if you want to call this shitty website publicity).
Now, I know there is a lot of controversy as the Academy Awards approach tonight.
Namely, as we all know, there was a group that dissed by the old farts giving out Oscars. The Traci Lords movie We Shall Overcome was completely shut out of Oscar contention. The movie looks at her post-pornographic movie and singing career. Lords blames this on the preconceived notion that a great actress can’t come from the sordid path of a pedophiliac porn star. Despite a wonderful performance from Sally Struthers as Lords, the movie was only given one nomination…Woody Allen racked up another nomination as Best Director, but is not expected to attend the ceremony since the Academy wouldn’t allow him a four minute segment for a clarinet solo. Bigotry continues in this Age of Sexual Enlightenment.
Now, if you are ready. Here are my truly Best and Worst Movies of 2014!!
OLD DAN CEDAR’S WORST MOVIES OF 2014
(Washington D.C.) CNN anchor and host of the prime-time weekend edition of CNN Newsroom and Log Cabin Republican, Don Lemon, conducted an exclusive interview with Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, where Snyder “came out of the closet” and admitted that he had been on a drinking and marijuana binge, since fifty U.S. Senators called for the Washington Redskins to change their racially charged name. Snyder was joined on the set of CNN by longtime bowling buddy, and confidant, Walter Sobchak.
Reporter Don Lemon began the interview, “Mr. Snyder, we have learned that you want to say something very important to America. Is it true that you have finally decided to change the name of your football team?”
An agitated Sobchak interrupted, “Fuck you, Donny!! Dan Snyder will not be your or America’s punching bag anymore. Going forward, you will refer to him as the Dude. And YOU WILL speak to him with RESPECT!! AND NOT LIKE SOME FUCKING NIHILIST!!”
(Cleveland, OH) - Today, a spokesperson for
Spokesperson Rod Thorn explained that “the new extension of the museum is a mix of The Holocaust Museum and Disneyworld’s Space Mountain. We want this exhibit to scare people straight about the consequences of treating their bodies like an amusement park, but to also have a carefree time with the family. We will also be handing out free condoms and allowing visitors to sign up for a free needle program. We are able to do this through the sponsorship of each section by corporations dedicated to educating fans of rock and roll.”
The thrill-ride roller coaster will begin at the top of
Thorn continued, “The ‘Members Only’ sponsored section of the ‘STP STD Monsters of Rock Mountain’ unit will focus on the hard rock pioneers. We have already received promissory notes from Mr. Gene Simmons and Mr. Saul Hudson, aka Slash, to have their genitalia removed and donated to the museum upon their passing. And ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you from hand first knowledge that these gents are truly a spectacle to behold. Warts and all. And luckily for us, arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of Rock music, one Mr. Jimi Hendrix, had the forethought to have his purple headed soldier cryogenically frozen to preserve for one and all to experience post-mortem, as they did while he lived. We consider Mr. Hendrix’ yogurt slinger to be the crown jewel of our collection.”
All right...enough of my hemming and hawing. The Oscars are this weekend and it’s time to rectumfy the wheat from the chaff. I don’t want to get on a rant, but this was the year we lost the great King Hippo…and well, you know the way you latter day hippies feel about losing Philip Seymour Hoffman, well that’s the way I feel about losing the great King Hippo…and he wasn’t even a junkie! Of course…he dabbled.
2013 brought us some really great movies; some were rightly pointed out by the Academy Awards voters and some were overlooked. There might be a good reason for this, here “coincidental”. Most of the really good movies were released in the last tres leches of the year. I don’t know what the reasoning is, but it’s probably a damned conspiracy that will one day be examined with the vigor that we now try to assuage our anger with the over-redundant JFK assassination redux.
Not that I really mind that, I enjoy a plethora of nutbars trying to figure out the unfigurable.
Which brings me to Old Dan Cedar’s Worst Movies of 2013
It was a really good year for movies for the most part. But…when they were bad, they sucked giant horse cock. And not in a good way…like that Traci Lords did back in the 1980s.
1) Gravity – The worst movie of the year!! How this lighter than air, hunk of horse shit didn’t get released straight to DVD and actually got nominated for an Academy Fucking Award, is beyond the miniscule synapses firing off in Old Dan Cedar’s tiny little brain. I will only reel off a few of the problems with the movie.
(Anchorage, AK) I know what you’re thinking. The Guy in the Dos Equis commercials sure as hell looked older than 50. True Dat. Only, HE isn’t actually the most interesting man in the world.
The man that the world knew as King Hippo, the man who brazenly claimed to have genetic roots to all 7 continents of the world, has passed away.
Ding, Dong, The King is Dead.
Only two celebrities were scheduled to attend the memorial, Sir Elton John and Ron Burgundy.
Princeton, NJ - The finger pointing has already started as parent company Church & Dwight initiated the largest product recall in company history. Trojan brand president Jonathan Holmes Jr. stood red faced as he chaired a press conference on Monday. "We are extremely embarrassed by the recent turn of events regarding our new line of Bare Skin condoms which was launched in March with a full marketing blitz. We are apologizing to all consumers who bought and used our new product and take full medical responsibility for injuries which may have occurred. Furthermore, we will refund the purchase price of all the recalled product and will include a voucher for any of our, or similar competitor's product."
The chaos began when Bruce "Twink" Camelback arrived at San Francisco General Hospital with what appeared to be a bleeding anus. Completely ignoring HIPAA regulations, attending E.R. MD Jack Mehoff smirked that Camelback is a "frequent flyer", but it usually entails removed large inanimate objects from his rectum, not bleeding or tearing of the anus. "I once removed a Colt .44 can from the man’s ass with my fist, so there's no way in hell he's going to bleed unless an abrasive object was inserted into his anus. Ain’t the fella’s first rodeo…”
WHITE HOUSE DOWN - Aka...Ok, Let Me Get This Straight...The GOP Is The Greatest Risk To National Security? AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
First off, the ONLY reason I went to see this steaming pile of festering ape guano was that everyone I know who saw it recommended it wholeheartedly. This explains why King Hippo has such low tolerance to 90% of American and why I have so few friends - the population of complete IDIOTS that live in society! Hopefully, Channing Tatum resists trying to be typecast as the next Bruce Willis, as he's actually much more versatile than that. However, this movie could have just as easily been titled Die Hard 13.
The other clues that this movie was complete and utter fiction is that uber prick face Jamie Foxx is cast as the President of the United States, no doubt, to portray our current Tsar in Chief as someone actually heroic. Let me make this clear. Your humble servant, King Hippo, doesn’t mind having a black man in the White House. What I DO have a problem with is that OUR country will accept that this will happen, yet once again, in the next millennium…and now this is an accepted part of OUR society???
My God!!! Help us All!!! The END IS NIGH!!!
Given the fact that your humble reviewer, Old Dan Cedar, loves Rock and Roll, Gospel, Rhythm and Blues, but mostly 80's British fag synth pop…and is always ready for a well done story that explores something that I find magical - In this case, the greatness of background singers in The Rock and Roll Music - Old Dan always, well, almost always, loves The Documentary Movie Style. The problem is…where ‘Seinfeld’ was ‘a story about nothing’ that worked. ‘20 Feet From Stardom’ has all of the ingredients to make a ‘story about something’ work.
It, instead, becomes a story about too much shit…that doesn’t work.
The Rock and Roll Music is one of the three things in this world that keeps Old Dan from ‘borrowing’ one of King Hippo’s massive arsenal of handguns and setting Hippo up as the fall guy…with Hippo citing my over-editing of his ‘works of art’ movie reviews. Thus relieving the world of any chance that Hippo will continue writing Sarcastic Movie Reviews after I am gone, and hopefully putting him in Shawshank for the rest of his glum life. This would also lift your humble reviewer to the status of The Edgar Allan Poe. What with, the dying somewhat young and depressed.
Hey y’all…between my numerous, unsuccessful attempts at suicide by cops and the ample amount of time I spent hand crocheting my ailing, Catholic mother a Shroud of Turin quilt, time got away from my commitment to my true calling…separating the shit from pure grade apple butter that Hollywood perennially churns out these days. But, just so you don’t have to just go off what King Hippo has been clickety-clacking away on his typewriter, I do feel it my solemn duty to keep my faithful flock from wasting their free bit torrent downloads on movies that you can count on…so, you don’t have to waste your money, time or terabyte space on nothing but the best.
You may now proceed to read the channeled voices of my TV father growing up, the great Andy Griffith, who we lost this past year, and my current TV kindred spirit, Kentucky lawman Raylan Givens, played by the great Timothy Olyphant.
Enough of my yammering…start that familiar whistling in your empty head and let Sheriff Taylor and Deputy Givens give us their over-cussing takes on the best and worst picture shows of 2012.
OLD DAN CEDAR’S BEST MOVIES OF 2012
1. Zero Dark Thirty – Well, contrary to what King Hippo would have you think, it is not my undeniable neediness to stick it to Jessica Chastain in any and every orifice where the sun don’t shine. This is a purely, tense, action movie that kept Old Dan’s bowels aquiver for its entirety. You won’t hear any more clever use of metaphor-isms than that from Mr. Smarty Pants, Seth Macfarlane hosting the Academy Awards later on today. Hire Old Dan, then you’ll be a damn deal funnier, Mr. Family Guy, and won’t be out on your ass like that little smart ass James Franco, after he scoffed at my offer. Clocks ticking Seth, we’re about down to less than 12 hours and I gotta still iron my tux.
2. Lincoln – I don’t know who Daniel Day-Lewis had to bed on the casting couch to land this role, but I gotta tell you, I would have taken one in the caboose myself for this prime piece of meat. And if it meant getting to look at that prime piece of tail, Sally Field, for twelve hours a day…so much the better. Prime Meat and Prime Tail. Put some A1 sauce on it and you got yourself a bunch of them, there, gold statues. Pretty darn good President, Director, Story and Actors, don’t hurt much neither.
So the King has decided to boycott sequels from now on. Therefore, you will no longer find reviews dealing with "paranormal activities," "star treks," "hangovers," or other such vile dreck anymore. With rare exception, there has never been a sequel that even matched the original, and I have now come to the realization that sequels are purely attempts to milk a successful movie until it is a dead horse. Being the animal lover that I am, I will no longer condone the meaningless deaths of innocent equines. Remember…Hippos are not the quickest witted creatures on earth, and I just read on Wikipedia that “Hippo” is ancient Greek for “horse”. To paraphrase the great Willie Nelson, I dedicate this review to all of the whores I’ve loved.
If you are offended by every review that I do…I would kindly suggest that you assemble that pile of tampons that you have had stenching up my bathroom counter for the past two years, and wheel barrow them out to the U-Haul that awaits you outside the palatial estates of your humble reviewer and Monarch of Mayhem, King Hippo. This ain’t gonna be pretty sista!!
After taking a well-deserved year off from compiling my best and worst movies of the year, your humble reviewer, King Hippo, has decided to grace you, my Minions of Morons, with your god given right, to worship at the King’s ignominious altar. And so, Without further adoo doo…I give you THE KING’S LIST…fresh from my vintage 1934 Smith Corona Typewriter…which accounts for the variable fonts below.
King Hippo’s Best Movies Of 2012
1. The Master - Philip Seymour Hoffman is just one of the best actors of our generation. To think that the first time I saw him, he had a bit part as a spoiled brat fratboy in Scent of a Woman. Who knew? Even Joaquin Phoenix impresses in this movie. I guess it was the hairlip's every sixth movie to lay off the ‘Ludes for six weeks and actually make an effort to act.
2. Argo - As much as I hate to admit it, Uber douchebag Ben Affleck actually directed and acted in a first rate movie. I guess Jennifer Garner is holding out on him. She must have seen the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza quit having sex and became a genius. Don't hold your breath for the crowning follow up - Affleck is just one strip club away from flushing it all down the shitter.
3. Zero Dark Thirty - I'm wondering if I rated this movie so high because my expectations were So low...or maybe Dan Cedar is correct in assessing Jennifer Chastain's acting abilities. Hell, who am I kidding, he just wants to fuck her. Fucking ginger...Editor’s Note: Jessica Chastain is the actor in Zero Dark Thirty. SMR has no idea who Jennifer Chastain is and/or if Dan Cedar wants to fuck her, also.
Washington, DC - White house staff physician assistant Alicia Sphincton treated President Obama for facial abrasions and a split lip after his daily game of pick-up basketball held on the white house lawn court on Friday. Reports are that Sphincton dressed some minor scrapes on the president's forehead and bridge of nose as well as suturing his lower lip with two stitches. The medical treatment was done on site and no further procedures are expected. Sphincton was unavailable for comment, but White House Spokesanus Jay Carney fielded questions about the incident.
For those faithful lambs that follow Old Dan Cedar like King Hippo shadows an Ice Cream Truck…slowly and deliberately through the suburban towns of America in a white Pedo van, you are probably already aware that your humble reviewer has previously declared Stevie Spielberg’s Lincoln as the Best Moving Picture of 2012.
Looks like, I’m gonna have to pull Keith Jackson out of retirement and give y’all a big, “Whoa, Nellie!!”
Don’t get me wrong…Stevie and his little homage to the greatest president of all time WILL come away with the golden statuettes in late February, but as Ed Murphy said, “There’s a new sheriff in town”.
It just ain’t Reggie Hammond.
This new Sheriff is one Jessica Chastain. She plays a CIA operative (Maya) that is obsessed with tracking down a 6’4” singular hunk of shit. One Osama Bin Laden. She’s a woman with a badge and she’s every swinging dick’s worst nightmare. As a bonus, she makes Old Dan Cedar’s teeny weanie hard when the wind blows. And I’ve NEVER been to prison.