By Ian Specter - Posted on 20 August 2012

(Akron, OH) Longtime deli owner, Debbie Doody, of Knishes & Kneidls implored President Obama not to campaign on her doorstep during the highly contested election of 2012. "I can't afford to go out of business with three daughters currently in college," said a nervous Doody.

When asked to elaborate, she continued, "My friend, Dick Lanky, of Toledo, went out of business within days of President Obama using his restaurant, H & L Brock, as a stump stop. No offense to President Obama, but look what happened to Olympia Cafe in Lorain after he made a campaign stop there during the 2008 primary. That place went out of business within months of his appearance. No more cheeseburgers for this Doody.

Also, look what happened to Barry White’s Big and Tall in Cleveland after Obama's visit - they filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. And heaven forbid, poor Mel, of Mel’s Char Palace just down the street, dropped dead a couple of days after Obama made a speech there." Doody added, "Even in Pennsylvania, look at Allentown Telepsychic – Lester Crackfield closed up his shop after Obama visited and then boasted about his economic plan in 2009."

"Hey, you guys aren't going to print this, are you? I mean, I'm a lifelong Democrat and I'm not looking for any trouble." After being assured that her identity would be kept confidential, Doody finished with "It's not just us small guys, Obama shows up for a press conference at places like Solyndra and Amonix after funding their green energy businesses with millions of tax payer dollars and they go belly up within months of his appearances. I can't take that chance!"

In related stories, the Festrunk Brothers had their ‘Two Wild and Crazy Mattresses and Flooring Sales’ of Portland sign replaced by a 'Goin Outta Business Sale’, less than a month after the Obama campaign leased upstairs office space for their headquarters.

And in Trenton, NJ, Chico Escuela, owner of Dognuts And More, announced that he is closing his doors after only 3 months in business. "This economy is horrible!” exclaimed the Puerto Rican immigrant, "I have not had ONE customer come through the door since I opened! This president has been very, very bad for me.”

When asked for comment, Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, seemed bemused, smiled and said, “I am happy to announce that the president will be guest hosting Saturday Night Live on November 3rd – three days prior to the election.”

Log Cabin Republican and anorexic Fox News Correspondent
Shepard Smith, then queried, “Shouldn’t the president be focusing on the economy and the election?” Gibbs quipped, “Even you Nazis at Fox have us up by 80 electoral votes with 80 days until the election. You will get President Obama playing ‘Dust in the Wind’ on his pan flute with the SNL band…and like it, Smails!!”

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.