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GLENN BECK CHASTISES CHRIST


By Ian Specter - Posted on 26 December 2009

Following, what, by all indications was a reverential Christmas Eve Fox News Exclusive interview with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Glenn Beck attempted to end the interview with The Messiah by wishing him a traditional Fox News, “Merry Christmas, Lord!”

The Messiah retorted with, “Happy Holidays to you and your family, Glenn!”

The ill-tempered interviewer snorted and gave a sarcastic chuckle, followed by, “Yeah right!”

The King of Kings shot back, “Excuse me, my son?”

Beck, whose sanity has been questioned, said, “Jesus, it’s the Holy Season.”

The Bread of Life reassured - in his most strident George Costanza voice, “I’m Aware!” while gesturing to the stigmata on his head and hands.

The author of Arguing with Idiots queried, “Where did you fall on health care reform?” Followed closely by, “What pork did heaven receive for your support?

A visibly shaken Jesus muttered, “I…I’m kosher”.

GB: "“What country are you from?”

JC: “What? What? W…”

GB: “What ain’t NO COUNTRY I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in ‘What’?

JC: “What?”

GB: “English, mother fucker, do you speak it?”

JC: “Yes! Yes!”

GB: “Then you know what I’m sayin’?”

JC: “Yes!”

GB: “Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!”

JC: “What?”

GB: “Say ‘What’ again. Say ‘What’ again. I dare you. I double dare you motherfucker. Say ‘What’ one more Goddamn time! Do you read the bible?”

JC: “Is that a trick question?”

Beck pulled out a massive .45 caliber handgun, then stood up and said, “There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the RIGHTEOUS MAN is beset on all sides by the inequities of THE SELFISH and THE TYRRANY OF EVIL MEN. BLESSED IS HE, who, IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL, SHEPHERDS THE WEAK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE DARKNESS.

For HE - is truly HIS brother's keeper and THE FINDER OF LOST CHILDREN. AND I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO POISON AND DESTROY MY BROTHERS. AND YOU WILL KNOW - I AM THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU.”"

Jesus cowered and fell to his knees.

Beck started chuckling and said, “JESUS!! YOU fell for that?”
“Get up! I’m just jackin’ with you. I just love that fuckin’ movie.”

“Happy Holidays.”

*Portions of this article are quotations from Pulp Fiction - no shit, sherlock!

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