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A CHRISTMAS CAROL


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 09 December 2009


(No – Not the Movie, Asshole!)

The most disturbing, stage re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic, A Christmas Carol, that this reviewer has seen to date, gives new insights to a roadmap to world peace in this most holy of times.

This is only possible by the thoughtful direction of Michael Moore. His presence is everywhere, but most notably in his casting decisions.

The three leads are as follows:

Former Vice-President Richard Cheney plays Ebenezer Scrooge.
Mr. Cheney describes his view of the character as, “a greedy Jew bastard that hates everything Christian and Christ-like and who finds Jesus Christ on his death bed – just in time to repent and get his ass into heaven.”

In Moore’s stage-version, Scrooge also works for KBR and spends his time getting more troops sent to the Middle East while securing contracts for Halliburton.

Moore makes more than a few odd, insightful and latently-brilliant choices as director including adding a yellow-triangle on Scrooge’s sleeve. Moore explains, “We all know he is a Jew, but because the American public is so busy watching American Idol and Dancing with the Stars - they won’t see it unless some asshole points it out – and by god, that asshole is me!”

Ever-compromising Senator John McCain plays Scrooge’s lowly, abused associate Bob Cratchit. McCain explains his interpretation of Cratchit, “While in the presence of Scrooge, I constantly kiss his ass and beg for his blessing, but as soon as I leave – I cross the aisle to my home life and am free to concentrate on my low fat MILF of a wife and our bevy of kids that we have littered Dickensian London with.”

Against-type, Tiny Tim is embodied by the fiercely intelligent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran. A review in The New York Times stated that “A bright star is born. In fact it so bright that it might create a black hole in this solar system powerful enough to create an explosion 100 times greater than that of a nuclear bomb.” McCain fawns about the Iranian leader saying, “His diminutive size makes him a giant on stage. And I, for one, am proud to hold him on my shoulders so the world can recognize his brilliance.”

In the final, gut wrenching scene, Scrooge is gleefully prancing about the stage wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. I was actually weeping as The Jew found his Christian heart.

But it is Tiny Tim’s triumphant cry that really brings down the house. “All praise to Allah!!

And with that, McCain physically positions himself between Cheney and Ahmadinejad inter-grasping their hands. Much as President Jimmy Carter did at the Camp David Accords in 1978, which brought a short-lived peace to the Middle East and an eventual Nobel Prize to all the participants.

When asked of his ultimate expectations for the play, Cheney offers the most poignant insight, explaining, “If that god-damned peanut farming pussy and this current naïve, presidential neophyte can win a fucking Nobel Peace Prize in two weeks – then getting one for each of the motley crew and half-wits that participated in this play shouldn’t be a problem.

It’s playing 6 weeks for Christ’s sake!!”

Cheney, grinning that sly smile, then leaned in and said,
“That’s not to say that I don’t want a Tony, too!!”

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