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CHOLE - Aka…Screw my Wife, Please! (The Cable Version)

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 11 April 2010

In my never-ending attempt to prove to myself that I am smarter than the average American movie-goer – I continue to scour the art-house, off-beat movies – looking for that diamond in the rough. Occasionally, I find such a gem.

I am much more likely to find a half-twittering cubic zirconium.

Today, I re-discover that the literate, cultivated, indie connoisseurs are just efforting to make themselves feel more cultured than the inane masses that generally flock to the corner Gigaplex for this week’s Jennifer Aniston or Ben Affleck “wacky” romantic comedy.

Getting to the crux of your humble reviewer’s problem…Art House Movies are generally no tastier than the banal manna on which the masses feed. For every one (500) Days of Summer or Slumdog Millionaire – I get eight sickle cell anemic, soft-core porn thrillers. This day – I get Chloe– lucky me. Lucky you!!

Romance, deception, hot-chicks…How could this thing be bad? Well, let me save you 8 bucks and the telegraphed plot-twist, so ill-contrived that you will undoubtedly keep telling yourself, “Well, Self, This seems to be going in a certain direction, but that would seem a bit obvious…hmmm….hopefully, I am going to get some kind of Sixth Sense out-of-the-blue smack upside the head. Hmmm…..would they really do something this fucking obvious?”

Fuck Yes!

I am telling you – If you can’t see this 45 mile an hour “curveball” coming within 20 minutes of the opening credits – even the state of Texas wouldn’t try to give you a lethal injection. Because…obviously you have the IQ of a 13 week old fetus that only has 3 neurons firing.

Of course, YOU probably think that your global warming, left-winged whore of a mother should have vacuumed every limb of your god-forsaken body out of her sugar walls because you were just an inconvenient truth. That sucking sound you hear is not the Gyno-Industrial Strength Hoover.

It is this 3rd trimester, abortive-excuse of a soft-core porn movie.

This brings me to Chloe’s three main characters.
The GGILF (Gynecologist Ginger ) Portrayed by Julianne Moore (Dr. Frigid ).

The YDEPILF (Young, Doe-Eyed Prostitute ) Played by the young, yet amply-titified Amanda Seyfried – (Chloe ).

And The MAPTAGWTF (Middle Aged Professor That All Girls Want To Fuck) played by Liam Neeson (Professor Duh ).

Why, ‘Professor Duh’? I’ll explain in a moment.

Neeson, the innocent, yet paradoxically flirtatiously handsome husband – is suspected by his wife of fucking every thing with whom he flirts.

Anyway, his wife, Julianne Moore, hires the aforementioned prostitute to check his penile constitution.

Is ‘Professor Duh’ still happy with that same overly-freckled piece of ass he married 20 some-odd years ago? What do you think, Ginger?

‘Dr. Frigid’ has an epiphany half-way through the movie. She is informed by the 19 year-old, (wise beyond her years) prostitute,Chloe, that men, yes, ALL MEN, prefer women to wear their hair down – Not in a Fucking Bun!!

So, she has lived 40 some-odd years and received a doctorate in gynecology, but hasn’t figured this little tid-bit out! Brilliant!! She probably also silently wonders why the tomato never caught on as a hand fruit.

Flirting, Petting and Orgasms ensue!

But as the greatest band of the past 30 years so eloquently asked,“Who made Who?”

‘Professor Duh’– it so happens - DOES NOT get turned-on when he finds out his wife and the prostitute are amorously grinding clits! WTF???

If he DID get turned on – that is when we go from watching an art-house “thriller” – to what this reviewer likes to call “Foreplay”.

In EVERY MOVIE – and I mean EVERY MOVIE that I have seen on MY DVD in MY BEDROOM for the past 20 years – this contrivance is perceived as an opportunity to stay faithful to one’s wife, but STILL get some hot, new gash.

But NO! That would be BAD! That would be PORN.

Funny how we can easily accept any kind of sadistic violence a movie character splays forth – but if the guy just wants to fulfill EVERY guy’s fantasy (excluding the pedos and the homos)…all of the sudden we slap an NC-17 rating on it and have to stomach Ron Jeremy’s hairy, hedgehog ass and smarmy comments while awaiting his final countdown to blast-off.

Thank the deity of your choice for DVD Porn. Where, my personally favorite, genial, 60’s-something host,Dave Cummings, slyly introduces a ‘happily-married couple’ to a porn-star that they both want to share all-things carnal.
And nobody has to phony-up any artificial outrage.

And that, my friend, is why Dave Cummings is part of ‘The Greatest Generation’.

Finally, about Chloe, you might be asking. “Old Dan, how can you possibly give this modern-day film noir failure – two Naybobs?”

Well, Sir Isaac Newton, it seems that Yours Truly – overindulged on Mexican Viagra just prior to this screening. My newly nuptialed counterpart, Bibs Detroit-Cedar, utterly bored with this motion picture, decided to reinterpret her favorite Spielberg classic, Jaws, in the back row of The Angelika.

Face Down, Ass Up!!

Two Ass Cheeks – Way Up!!

Old Dan Cedar

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