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THE BOOK OF ELI - Aka...Mad Max Rides Again


By King Hippo - Posted on 11 April 2010

Aaaah, I was going through withdrawals for the latest installment of one of my favorite movie franchises featuring the Mad Max character made famous by one Mel Gibson. Isn’t the fourth installment usually the best?

Unfortunately, Mad Max IV, which has been in production for the last two DECADES, is still not finished. That must be some kind of record, sort of like it's anyone's guess when the next Boston album will be coming out. Many thanks to Brad Delp for trying his little bathroom experiment which solidified the theory that two gas grills, working in unison, can nudge a Boston Anthology album to fruition.

It's been 1985 since Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome. Somehow, I don't see that alcoholic, anti-semite, homophobic, child molester Gibson, seamlessly fitting into his leather jeans to resume his most memorable character. Yes, that includes his Braveheart and Lethal Weapon characters, you hoity toity dipshits.

In what seems to be a theme of political AND artistic worlds as of late - Denzel Washington giddys-up into town to rescue the white man. Now, if only I can get a free lunch with my free healthcare…

In a very overused, clichéd-to-death, contrived plot, Denzel emerges in a post apocalyptic earth as Eli, a weary but determined traveler making his way from the east coast of the United States to the west coast for the last 30 years, "on a mission from God."

Two points if you can guess where that last quote came from.
And, no, it wasn't from the Passion of the Christ - you moron!

We're DONE talking about Mel Gibson AND Boston, you shit-for-brains.

And there is no Rowdy Gaines’ theme from Rawhide being played to pacify Bob’s Country Bunker patrons while peppering “the band” with beer bottles.

Eli just happens to possess the last copy of the Bible known to man. Yeah, Gutenberg began printing off these mass-produced fairy tales in 1436.

And as luck would have it – the most over-hyped actor of the past 30 years gets the last copy.

Of course, whenever you have the "only" of anything, YOU become a very popular person. As Sidney Poitier was, before you know who knocked him off his roost. But, I digress…

During one of his ass kicking stops along the way, Eli becomes acquainted with "Carnegie," adroitly played by Gary Oldmanb who gets my vote for Best Supporting Actor for next year's Academy Awards.

I can hear you loser naybobs of negativity with your incredulous "are you kidding me?!?!?," or, "it's only February. How do you know some other movie won't have a BETTER supporting actor?"
Or the classic, "Oldman?!?!
Who the fuck is 'Oldman'?"

Ever heard of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter? Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight?

THOSE are real 'badguy' characters with mind-boggling acting. And if they had to have a little blow to get them to that “next-level”…well, who am I to judge?

My point exactly, you fudge packing nitwits. It takes a much better actor to play a convincing, subdued 'badguy' than an 'over-the-top' psycho. Now shut up and go pack Dan Cedar's rectum.

The rest of the movie devolves into Carnegie doing his best to bribe, con, and finally kill Eli, in order to get the Bible for himself. Is this ironic to anyone else?

Pick your favorite Mad Max baddie and shit-rigged weapon of choice - it's in this “up-over”, African version, also.

The twist ending finds Carnegie getting not quite what he bargained for when he finally extracts the Bible from Eli's hands.

That Russian hottie Mila Kunis. Mmmm…Kunis. Her over-acting was the only weak link of the movie. Why should I care? All I did was stare at her ass the whole time she was on the screen. You won’t read that from the limpies that write reviews for The New York Times.

Kudos to Tom Waits, who, for some reason, always plays a grease monkey or some eccentric gadget savant, while managing to remove the pile of gravel from his mouth. He plays them better than anyone else, though.

And today's "HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT" award goes to Jennifer Beals, who, at 40-something STILL elicits a woody. Mmmm...Woody Harrelson.

Which reminds me – I am close to jizzing myself with the thought of Toy Story 4 coming…But again, I digress…

King Hippo

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