By Ian Specter - Posted on 31 May 2012

Pikeville, KY - On the heels of his toy Pomeranian being thrown into his neighbor's wood chipper, Anderson Hatfield IV exclaimed, "IT IS SO…ON!" Speaking publicly since the grisly occurrence, Hatfield pointed across the fence to his longtime neighbor, Randolph McCoy IV, who was diligently weeding his prized rose flowerbed, and muttered several obscenities in his direction. "I've had it up to here!" said Hatfield. "I've held my tongue for decades but ever since Randolph's son, Tolbert, hit a baseball through my picture window and wouldn't 'fess up to it, it seems that every time I turn around, some McCoy is causing me grief!"

When approached to get his side of the story, McCoy had quite a different picture. "You know, all I've ever been is a good neighbor. I'm not sayin' I'm perfect, but I've taken responsibility for any accidents which have occurred between our families. Now, I'm sure he (Hatfield) didn't tell you about the time his son Johnson did a doughnut in my front yard right after it rained. It took a dump truck load of topsoil to fill in the ditches that he created. When I went to Hatfield to present the bill to be paid, he laughed in my face and said 'boys will be boys!' "I don't 'spose 'Devil Anse' told you about the time he poisoned my Great Dane with anti-freeze, did he?"

Hatfield was given the chance to respond and to wit said, "Hell! I HAD to kill that damn miniature horse! That mange ridden cur tried to mount my Best In Show Pomeranian! The filthy beast literally tore the poor girl a new asshole! She had to be put down after that - cost me $4000.00 in vet bills by the time it was all said and done! I breed show dogs - I can't be frettin' every hour of the day wonderin' if some domesticated moose next door is loose and horny!"

When queried about the veracity of Hatfield's wood chipper story, Randolph replied, "Look, IF it DID happen… it was just an unfortunate mistake. I can't be responsible for other people letting their hairy rats run wild in the neighborhood. He must have gotten tangled up in the brush when I was loading it into the chipper. I didn't realize what had happened until the dog's blood dirtied up my chip container. I mean, if I was that bad of a person, I wouldn't have dumped the bloody mass on Hatfield's front porch with a miniature cross inscribed with ‘RIP’? Would I? As God is my witness, if that Appalachian trash next door wants a war. He's got a war!"

When James Hetfield of the rock band Metallica was called on for his opinion on the History Channel miniseries; he declared a blood feud between himself and Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy of Star Trek fame. Hetfield, who was clearly intoxicated, said that he would not rest until 'Bones McCoy' was swinging from the nearest hanging tree. When told that Dr. McCoy is a fictional character, Hetfield flew into a rage screaming, "You dumb motherfucker! Are you telling me that my entire childhood was spent imagining 'Bones McCoy' while watching Star Trek in my parents' basement?"

It was also pointed out to the has-been guitarist/vocalist that there is actually a difference between the names Hatfield and Hetfield and that Deforrest Kelley, the actor who portrayed 'Bones McCoy' on the Star Trek TV show and in over two dozen movies has, in fact, been dead since 1999. A slurring Hetfield queried, "Oh, so I've already killed that bastard? WELL, HIS WIFE AND HIS DOG ARE NEXT!!."

And in one, apparently final, bizarre attempt to land a reality TV show, Hetfield tried to tie in the first season of Justified to the current Hatfields and McCoys miniseries, a slurring Hetfield said, “But I digress, now, if you’ll excuse me, Raylan, I must tend to the needs of the flesh.” Hetfield then shot 40cc’s of meth into his veins. With eyes rolling in his head, and in a statement clearly aimed at this reporter said, “I hate every one of these toothless, banjo-strumming, redneck Napster loving pricks.”

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