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HIV Testing Now For Gays and IV Drug Addicts Only

By Ian Specter - Posted on 14 December 2009

Washington D. C. The U. S. Preventative Services Task Force, the governmental health panel that last week recommended that only women over 50 years of age be given mammography tests for breast cancer, today, recommended that HIV and AIDS screening only be available for gay men and IV drug users that would attest to sharing needles.

Dr. Diana Petitti, who led the health panel said, “This is a health panel. We are most certainly not a death panel. Though, of course, we are willing to accept a higher mortality rate amongst these tiny groups to save money. Clearly that is what the American public wants...

...and as The Kinks once famously said,‘Give the people what they want’. If nothing else, except for a small minority of ne’er do-wells, that is what we are here for.”

Representative Phil Gingrey, a Republican from Georgia asked if there was a possibility that he could get AIDS or at the very least an AIDS test if a suspected lesbian brushed up against him outside of the office of The Secretary of State. Conspicuously, after rolling her eyes, there was no comment given by Dr. Petitti.

In his 68th national address of his 11 month term as the greatest president of our generation, President Barack Obama declared that ObamaCare would certainly save the country money and allow 500 million more Americans free healthcare.

Centuries old Washington D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas queried,“Mr. President, I must question your numbers. First of all, there are only 300 million people in the United States and secondly, what about all of the normal folk that get The Aid from plain, old promiscuous intercourse or being bitten by mosquito’s that have flown-in from sub-Saharan Africa?”

The president retorted, “Now, Helen…I was born in Kenya and I can attest to this as a definite fallacy. Due to the global warming that has taken over our country, a mosquito cannot survive in this climate.”

With that the president smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, “May God bless The United States of America and the petrochemical companies that invented DEET.”

The press corps, sans Thomas, led by Fox News sensationalist, quasi-journalist and Log Cabin Republican Shephard Smith, stood up and applauded.

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