By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 17 July 2010

Your ever-so-humble, over-cussing writer just clicked another mile on the odometer of life several weeks back!! As Randy Newman said in an underly-exuberant Oscar winning rant, “Thanks, but I don’t want your pity!”

I just want my farts back!! Is that so wrong?

I really don’t care about compromising the ozone layer!!

Call me a selfish flatulist!!

Don’t you get it?

Didn’t think so - you myopic infant.

If you have the patience to waste a few minutes of your life away – I will explain.

Used to be that Old Dan Cedar whimsically flatulated my life away.

Oh, the carefree joy of confidently slipping one out!

Whether driving down the highway, sitting on the couch, or bumping my right cheek up in the air – in perfect rhythm to a favorite Foghat song on my old AM radio.

Shortly prior to my latest birthday – a few thousand drums of oil began gushing from the ocean floor in the Gulf of Mexico. I closed my eyes, said a little prayer, and blew out the candles. I made the unfortunate blunder of focusing too much of my attention on getting my wish to come true and not adequately controlling my sphincter.

You see – Old Dan – likes
to drink Dr. Pepper - which, as some of you may know, acts as a pooprodesiac!

Well, it does in MY Gulf, anyway!

I gingerly separated from my overly-addled flour and sugar-candled receptacle and headed to the sanctity of myBemis-Throned Fortress of Solitude. And while my family has – for years – personally accounted for nearly 7 percent of the Imodiummarket share – this was something all-together new. There was no capping this well! Apparently, the once strong, cement casing around my anus was not properly forged and had worn down over time.

I have tried all sorts of plugs, but none has sufficed.

By weeks’ end – I was down
4 pairs of undies, 2 pairs of shorts and 1 pair of dress slacks.

Bibs Detroit was none-too-happy about the soylence green and black that had infiltrated my once-whitey tighties!

For some it’s bran muffins, for others it’s coffee. For Old Dan – it’s Dr. Pepper.
And once one has lost that confident certainty that whatever is squeaked out rectally will be a gas and not a liquid…Let’s just say that it’s kind of like that pitcher that has never given up a home run. Then he gives up three in a row. And now, doesn’t even want to throw another pitch!

Coprophagy – is defined as a person that likes to eat shit! (e.g. someone that voted for Barack Obama).

Unfortunately, if this person does exist in the world – he could no longer EAT shit - if he was counting on me for sustenance.

He would have to suck it through a straw. And considering that diarrhea is mostly water…

Anyway, I have repeatedly tried to cap this well. I have had James Cameron, Kevin Costner and Barack Obama – all devise contraptions to cork my blow hole.

The utter triumvirate…Avatar, Waterworld, and Old Dan Cedar’s Ass!

But, in the end, my messiahs only further made a mess.

And this has gone on – for more than 80 days!!

I guess sometimes you need to do more than close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candles.

Strike one, two and three…

And there is no joy in Mudville!!!

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In The News


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Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.