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IRONMAN 2 - Aka...Downey gets out of the rest of these stupid fucking movies!

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 17 July 2010

Old Dan Cedar began this day in such a very good mood.

Visiting a long, leggy friend out in Phoenix and a nice trip to the movie theatre.

So….How the hell did I get to be in a bad mood?

Count them 8, 9, 10, 11 commercials.


Then – the previews. Jesus!!

The local Gigaplex is filled with all of the typical blockbuster-basting right winged Arizona-racist skinheads that regularly take their 20-something tatted-up MMA-asses to a day at the movies with the family. And then there is Juanita and her kids de cinco – OR MORE.

And all of this unanimity of the races to purposefully ruin my movie. And my day – in general!!

Then take Downey, Scarlett Jo, and some black guy in a movie driven by a bunch of CGI histrionics instead of characters.

Not what I had anticipated - considering the VERY good pre-quel.

And the black guy that IS kicking ass IS NOT the president of these United States trying to keep the tar off of the cry babies in Louisiana. It is actually the over-rated, under-emoting - Don Cheadle – playing Ironman’s sidekick. The lack of chemistry between Cheadle and Downey won’t confuse anyone with that of the charisma of the Redford/Newman tandem. Or even of Watson and Crick.

Cheadle has apparently raided Downey’s trailer of EVERY last Quaalude.

Even though this reviewer is not a big fan of Denzel Washington….I guarantee that Denzel shows more emotion while taking his fourth shit of the day. Why not hire him? Or who could have added more hilarity than the recently stroked Gary Coleman in a final role of a life wasted. Kind of a ‘Mini-Me’ for Ironman.

We only have to look to the post-mortemed deification of Heath Ledger as a role model in a superhero sequel.

“And the Oscar goes to Gary Coleman.”

And in lieu of the AC/DC soundtrack – maybe an homage to Ronnie James Dio.

Fitting for a movie that was DOA.

But, no such luck, Dio fans.

Then what the hell is good about this movie, Dan Cedar?

I must say that Scarlett Johansson is more than a handful!

Scarlett Jo is the tit for Downey’s tat.

She ginchily plays Natasha Romanoff.

Is she good, bad or a little of both?

The REAL bad guy is Mickey Rourke. I truly believed that he should have won an Academy Award for his role in The Wrestler, but then…..

Run-on sentence warning!

Rourke is still playing exactly the same Winstrol-roided-role as he did in The Wrestler – except with a Russian scientist-accent and a lot of overwrought computer graphics to make his role – and this movie – one big fucking cartoon instead of a great, character-driven, irreverently-witted story that was - excuse the fuck out of me, John McCain, an earmark of the first Ironman.

Even his god damned, disgusting fingernails look the same.

I truly think Rourke is just playing himself.

It was about the 2 hour mark –
yes, you read that right – that the two year-old sitting on Mama’s lap (and facing me) started singing her rendition of the great ‘American’classic – Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star – en Espanol. Never once did la madre smack the shit out of this ankle biting, future bean picking pendeja. Or even better – plan ahead – have one of your seventeen kids ALREADY en la casa babysit little Christina Aguilera II.

And spend an enjoyable 150 minutes in the relative peace and quiet of a suburban Cinemark with 312 of your closest, obese, sweat-stenched, quasi-countrymen.

How do you say – ‘Shut that fucking brat up’ in Spanish….??

I don’t know - but kicking the SHIT out of the back of this fat-fuck’s chair translated quite well!

On top of that – there is this drawn-out back story, with Samuel L. Jackson, that is trying to set up the next movie.

Of which Robert Downey obviously wants no part. He emphasizes his sentiment in the final scene when he says, “You can’t afford me.”

In other words – “You guys can keep trying to bilk the ‘American’ public of every last peso that crosses the border for the next 20 years – but I want NO part of it.”

There is more to this movie than what I have re-capped here. But it’s just not worth the time and effort. I just wish the writer/director had my ‘enough is enough’ attitude – 45 minutes earlier.

Go see this movie for Downey’s hammed-up brilliance and Scarlett Jo’s reverse cow-girl, cat moves.

Or if you just want to irritate some gringos while your local Arizona lockdown is at maximum capacity thanks to the state legislature’s attempt to incarcerate 20 percent of the state’s population.

No room at the inn with a stainless shitter to drop off the kids for a couple of hours?

Come on down.

But if someone asks you for tickets that you used to get into the theater…

They are NOT being racist.

Just making sure that you didn’t sneak in the back door.

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