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By King Hippo - Posted on 23 February 2013

After taking a well-deserved year off from compiling my best and worst movies of the year, your humble reviewer, King Hippo, has decided to grace you, my Minions of Morons, with your god given right, to worship at the King’s ignominious altar. And so, Without further adoo doo…I give you THE KING’S LIST…fresh from my vintage 1934 Smith Corona Typewriter…which accounts for the variable fonts below.

King Hippo’s Best Movies Of 2012

1. The Master - Philip Seymour Hoffman is just one of the best actors of our generation. To think that the first time I saw him, he had a bit part as a spoiled brat fratboy in Scent of a Woman. Who knew? Even Joaquin Phoenix impresses in this movie. I guess it was the hairlip's every sixth movie to lay off the ‘Ludes for six weeks and actually make an effort to act.

2. Argo - As much as I hate to admit it, Uber douchebag Ben Affleck actually directed and acted in a first rate movie. I guess Jennifer Garner is holding out on him. She must have seen the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza quit having sex and became a genius. Don't hold your breath for the crowning follow up - Affleck is just one strip club away from flushing it all down the shitter.

3. Zero Dark Thirty - I'm wondering if I rated this movie so high because my expectations were So low...or maybe Dan Cedar is correct in assessing Jennifer Chastain's acting abilities. Hell, who am I kidding, he just wants to fuck her. Fucking ginger...Editor’s Note: Jessica Chastain is the actor in Zero Dark Thirty. SMR has no idea who Jennifer Chastain is and/or if Dan Cedar wants to fuck her, also.

4. Lincoln - No, not Dan Cedar's number one pick, Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.As usual, Daniel Day Lewis shows why he is the greatest actor of all time. I just don't understand the "supporting actor" circle jerk about Tommy Lee Jones. Did this asshole purposely pick the most ill-fitting wig he could find in the dumpster behind the props department? And then wear it like Vanilla Ice wears a baseball cap?

5. Bernie - Geez, who knew Jack Black could put in a serious dramatic effort? He must have been inspired by Bill Murray's first, The Razor's Edge. Ok, now that he has that out of his system, he can go back to Nacho LIbre sequels and in 28 years, his next serious dramatic role will occur. And as for the know-it-alls out there who would direct me to Black's King Kong, it's a remake, so it Doesn't count. Faggots.

King Hippo’s Worst Movies Of 2012

1. The Expendables 2 - Really, I mean, REALLY? Why didn't Hollywood just save its money and show us a medical training film depicting a ridgid colonoscopy of an 80 year old demented schizophrenic with 8 pounds of impacted feces and a family of 20 foot long tapeworms living in his freakishly distended rectum?

2. Three Stooges - What a clusterfuck. The all time funniest trio of Jews are made a mockery of in this unbelievably unfunny movie. Then I see who it's written and directed by: The Farrelly Brothers, aka Shitty and Shittier.

3. Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance - Nicolas Cage + Marvel Comics adaptation + sequel = steaming pile of dogshit no matter what movie it is. 'Nuff said.

4. Total Recall - Why in the hell would anyone do a re-make of one of the shittiest, stupidest, worst acted, and cheesiest movies of all time? Not to mention the cheap-ass sets in the original. Not to mention the worst actor of all time, Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the original. I realize thatanything’ is a step up from the original, but a moderately retarded person (Abzug) is a step up from a severely retarded person (Dan Cedar). BOTH are STILL fucking RETARDS!

5. Magic Mike - This is what happens when you let a hot chick talk you into going to a so-called movie like this: you're the only heterosexual male in the entire fucking theater. And I mean the ONLY one! And to make matters worse, she was on the fuckin' rag! A fact that became nauseatingly obvious when I surreptitiously slipped my hand into the Bag Of Buttered Popcorn that she was holding between her thighs as the opening credits rolled. Your humble reviewer is a sick fuck, but I’m not a Fucking Vampire Vegan.

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