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TOUGH TALKING 11TH GRADER RUNNING FOR STUDENT COUNCIL AS LIBERTARIAN


By Ian Specter - Posted on 12 March 2012

(New Caney, TX) Independent-minded 11thgrader, Manny Horowitz, has decided to make a run for student council of Porter High School. Horowitz, bravely running as the first Libertarian in the history of New Caney has vowed to support Marijuana Recreation Day, take pork off of the school menu, take no money from Super PACS, and support outright anarchy.

At a hastily called news conference attended by 9thgrade freshman, Bernie Philbin, reportedly affiliated with quasi news organization Reporters Without Borders and former White House UPI correspondent Helen Thomas – Horowitz spoke frankly, “I make no vows of sending a man to the moon by the end of this decade, but Alice, you ask me one more time, and that’s where you’ll be goin’.”

When asked by Miss Thomas, Mr. President …I understand that your motto is ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ , Horowitz retorted, “Yes, if my neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.” With that, Philbin jumped on stage and began to man the snare drum that was fortuitously sitting behind the podium.

Then Horowitz in a dead on cockney accent said, “Bein’ the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are rape, ultra-violence and Beethoven…I suppose I don’t have a chance in this ‘ere election.”

With that Horowitz grabbed a glass of milk and a walking cane from behind the podium, tipped the glass and winked at Helen Thomas. Philbin reached down under the drums, grabbed a Bowler hat and frisbeed it to Horowitz.

Horowitz jumped from the stage, kissed Thomas on the cheek and said, “One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between - as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was.”

He tipped his hat and said, “No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

“Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!:

“Good Day, Mates!”

In a statement issued shortly thereafter, Mitt Romney said, “This action today, by Manny Horowitz, was predicted in a direct revelation from God to Joseph F. Smith. And these are the consequences of not voting for A REAL CONSERVATIVE.”

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