By Ian Specter - Posted on 08 December 2012

San Francisco, CA - The San Francisco Police Department and city paramedics were dispatched after a 911 call from the National Organization of Women headquarters on Friday during a normally quiet time of the year. Three arrests were made and one person was transported to San Francisco General Hospital. Three people were treated and released by paramedics for minor injuries. Early indications show that the melee broke out during the traditional white elephant gift exchange. Apparently, this year's theme was "Dildos".

A flustered CEO, Bertha Bolles, was asked about the commotion. "Well, I thought that everything was going pretty well until I heard someone in the crowd scream, 'you fucking whore! You know that I wanted that one!' At that point, the name calling escalated and hair was being pulled and nails were being ripped across flesh! The next thing I knew, a neon pink 'Billy Club' dong was slammed against my forehead! I was knocked clean out and when I came to, the police had already arrived!"

Chantilly DeGeneres was asked for her side of the story before being carted away to the SFPD station. "You damn right I took that lily white bitch Sondra out - I was the only African American at the party and she
still stole the 'Mandingo' dong from me! Take two steps back, look at my nether regions and you be the judge. Who, but ME, could handle the 'Mandingo?' Ummm hmmm, yeah you got that right. And it's me that they're arresting. Don't that sound like racism to you? I don’t wanna get political on y’all, but we got one more glass ceiling to break through, and it’s just REAL damned hard to do it with whatever the hell material, Teflon, or some shit, these damn dildos are made out of."

Melissa O'Donell was applying an ice pack to her forehead as she recounted the events of the evening. "I guess things got a little out of hand. At previous get togethers, you could always tell when someone was miffed about getting their gift taken from them but no one ever made a big deal out of it. On
This occasion, however, the third time the 'John Holmes' exchanged hands, all hell broke loose!"

A battered Rosie Etheridge piped in with, "You lying cunt! If you hadn't squirted me in the eye from across the room with the 'Peter North,' none of this would have happened!"

Queried as to how this fiasco jibes with NOW's slogan of
Equality, Opportunity, Justice, Respect, Empowerment and Freedom, harried spokeswoman Ellen Lynch replied with, "That’s a real hard question for a man to understand, so let me give you boys a woman’s perspective on this. Have you ever had a Ron Jeremy 'Hedgehog' dildo shoved down your throat while you're being held down by two diesel dykes, goading you with epithets like, 'Ellen's HETEROSEXUAL, Ellen's HETEROSEXUAL!' At that point you don't think about slogans, all you think about is payback, and how you're going to cram a 'Dig Dug' double dildo up these bitches asses and snatches at the same time!! And frankly, I am highly offended that you would ask such an inappropriate question.”

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.