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Nation’s Problems To Be Solved


By Ian Specter - Posted on 15 December 2009

Washington D.C. President Obama, in the 451st national address of his 11 month presidency, further defined his vision of the American future by naming his Tri-Lateral Czars of All Things Progressive. The czars will consist of Al Gore, Whoopi Goldberg and Michael J. Fox. This latest compromise will encompass: health care reform, another economic stimulus and an eco-friendly, self-sustainable biosphere in 26,000 locations nationwide.

The President of Prescience said, “McChoices is a big idea and big ideas are what this country needs. McChoices is not just another burger joint - it is an all-encompassing, nationwide, self-sustaining collective farm, of sorts, where, and let me be clear on this, all the problems of this nation will be solved.”

With that, President Obama said, “Now I have other things to attend to, but I will leave my trusted minions, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, to delve into the specifics. I have other big ideas that I am working on, but now I have authorized Air Force One to fly to me to Moscow where President Putin will be presenting me a life-size replica of Joseph Stalin.”

Then, in his best Jim Rome voice, the president said, “Good night, now!!”

Reid and Pelosi outlined the plan where ultimately billions will be served.

Reid said, “The general idea is to have a one-stop, eco-friendly shop where Americans will be able to come and have a progressive place to eat, drink and have local amenities to provide free, secure, reproductive health.”

“Each restaurant will have a 50’s burger diner façade out front and will have a back door where safe, legal abortions are performed. In another area - a team of scientists will extract stem cells from the discarded embryos. An organic garden where employees will urinate and defecate will be grown on each roof. This will supply the vegetables used in making of the burger “fixings’.

Harry Reid said, “I want to state this emphatically. This is NOT an ‘abortion stimulus package’ as has been stated by the ‘Negative Nelly’s across the aisle.I have always been pro-life. My voting record shows this. And this bill WILL be pro-life to those fortunate enough to endure that nearly interminable hell that is each woman’s pregnancy.”

Reid continued, “We do have a patent pending on our 27 meter “Golden Forceps” that will adorn the lawn of each of our restaurants. We expect the president’s 40 Trillion dollar stimulus package to receive congressional approval before the end of 2009 and begin work on the first of our estimated 26,000 store fronts by February 1, 2010. The time for debate is long past. History stands waiting in the wings. And, yes, to those who ask - this will, in turn, stimulate
the economy.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) immediately put out a statement saying that the program was not economically viable and was unsustainable. To which Nancy Pelosi said, “We owe this to the American public and we won’t let the right-winged CBO dictate the holiday gifts that we bestow upon the American people.

We have a plan to market to low-income, economically depressed areas, where we will actively encourage disadvantaged women to end the suffering lives that will be their children - if brought to term.”

Reid expanded, “We plan on a multi-pronged approach to this marketing scheme. First, we will offer, free of charge, highly carcinogenic, menthol cigarettes and malt liquor to all of these women, their families and the various men that they have copulated with. We hope this encourages a sense of family that generally doesn’t exist in this community. We realize that 70% of these women do not have a man to help raise their children because they are in prison, married to someone else or just off chasing tail. We hope this leads to a renaissance of the African-American family that has not been seen since the
Civil War.”

Eleven, as yet unnamed women and a fully repentant Tiger Woods will be the spokespersons of the advertising campaign.

Pelosi added, “Soylent Green and Tofu Burgers will be served from surplus residue of our human refuse. We believe that the technology exists to remove nearly all methane-producing by-products from our entire menu. We have also introduced a Cap and Tax Soda – whereby our customers will have the ability to order and consume carbonated beverages. We will send the taxes collected equally to other members of the G20 countries as a penance for the evil which our fellow countrymen expel.”

When asked for the qualifications of the Tri-Lateral Czars. Reid seemed more than a little perturbed, saying, “Al Gore will be in charge of climate change – the man has won a Nobel Prize; Whoopi Goldberg will be in charge of women’s reproductivity – she has had at least 6 abortions; And Michael J. Fox will be in charge of embryonic research to benefit bona fide humans with god forsaken afflictions. The man has been a twitching, stammering idiot for the past 20 years - for Christ’s Sake.

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