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Nugent Style

By Ian Specter - Posted on 20 July 2009

Finally, it was going to happen. For many months it was talked about, laughed at and eventually put to rest by the end of the lunch hour. What would be an incredible team building event looked like it would never have enough traction to climb up the road to reality.

What am I talking about? Well none other than the first annual Nelson Martin Accounts Payable Ted Nugent Listening and Historical Sharing Brunch.

Time to do a little camaraderie building along with a respectful tribute to the Motor City Madman.

I was beside myself when I got the ok that conference room “T122A” was available for an entire 4 hours on, Friday, July 24, 2009. Let the planning begin.

My feelings were overcome with the incredible task of actually planning this event. Will Marge in vendor management bring her prized deviled eggs? Should I get a guitarist to play acoustic Damn Yankees in the background to set the mood? The pressure was on. I thought that this is what Mutt Lange must have experienced while assembling Back in Black or Bruce Dickinson (yes, THE Bruce Dickinson) asking for more cowbell on “Don’t Fear the Reaper”.

Department demographics might be a small challenge.

Ninety nine point three percent of the department was made up of mid to upper 40’s African American women. The remaining seven-tenths were me and my two Caucasian buddies. Intuitively, I knew that the creation of an attractive promotional flyer was critical.

How else would I entice Lisa, Pam and of course, “Fantastic” Fascetious, to share their “Double Live Gonzo” moments. I have only suckled from the teat of the Vanilla Bean Shake in my life, but it is my unspoken wish that I slurp upon a tall Malted Chocolate Shake. And my key to unlock this door was, of course,
“If You Can’t Lick ‘em, Lick ‘em”.

So, with a plan, I worked towards creating a memorable, and hopefully, annual event.

We started with the creation of the eye catching flyer…. “All of you Wango Tango Fans…Come to the first annual Nelson Martin Accounts Payable Toast to Tedd Nugent.”

Of course, the flyer had a few vintage concert photos along with an up to date Nugent hunting trip - with Ted proudly shoving his steel toed boot down on the neck of a recently killed wild boar –blood oozing from the nostrils. This picture spoke a thousand words. His t-shirt spoke a few more. “Kill your own Dinner and Vote Republican or You’re a Pussy!!”

Things were really getting exciting as the fliers were distributed. I estimated the attendance would probably be at least 200, especially since I inserted “TELL A FRIEND” in bold letters. After I distributed my 14th flyer, the look was about the same on each of the recipients. In hindsight – I should have picked up on the vacant stares of most of the recipients. I had mis-assumed, they were uptight with the photo of the bludgeoned wild boar.

“Fucking, PETA members” –
I remember thinking.

I scheduled hour long mandatory planning meetings daily for the first two weeks then changed to every other day the final week leading to the Friday event.
No detail would be overlooked.

I was browsing EBAY when I found what could be the finest piece of Nugent concert memorabilia to display at the brunch. It was a Jenkins Theatrical Multi-Colored Spotlight Generator - advertised as having shone on Uncle Ted during the Intensity in Ten Cities tour. The Buy it Now price was only $900 which included shipping. The kicker was that it came with a certificate of authenticity.

Sold !!

Thank You, Pay Pal !!

Sucker !!

The date was approaching quickly. Only 5 days to go. As a party favor, I planned on handing out “Dog eat Dog” guitar picks, and vintage eight track tapes of the Ted’s first album “Ted Nugent”.

T- Minus 1 Day.

I was clearly exhausted because I had been snorting chrystal meth for 4 days straight, but this was going to be the biggest day of my life. Go hard or don’t go!!

My clothes were laid out on the floor ready for the day.

I had 4 t-shirts laid out to be worn in official Nugent chronology. First, it was an Amboy Dukes, “Tooth, Fang and Claw”, next was my camouflage T emblazoned with “The Nuge” in script. Third, the always popular “Weekend Warriors” with Ted blazing on his Gibson SG and finally the 2003 Damn Yankees’ little known bootlegged “Live at Choctaw” concert album. Of course, I wore my cut off Levi’s with my KISS Army patch carefully ironed on the right rear pocket.

En route to the office, I made a mental note of the soundtrack for the event. I was so nervous that I couldn’t remember if the order was “Free for All” before “Yank Me, Crank Me” or was it vice versa.

Damn Details!! Bring on the Ritalin - 2 for me.
Almost immediately, I found my focus.

I met Sam and Daniel downstairs at our building to unload the stuff for the party. Sam had the Spotlight generator tightly anchored down in the back of his truck. It took about three hours to set up our “stage”.

Fifteen minutes to go.

I pop three Xanax and two beta blockers to steady the nerves. After finally anchoring the 14 Nugent posters to the walls we sat back and gazed at our success. I had to admit that the environment created was impressive. The spotlight generator was doing its job just perfectly, white light here, red light there.

Apparently “Multi-Colored”, actually means “Red and White”.

I took a glimpse outside and didn’t hear a peep of the attendees in their cubes. So I figured everyone was busy getting ready and assembling their requests.

I was at the pinnacle of my excitement as Sam, Daniel and I drank the only beverage on hand. We filled a 32 gallon trash can with fruit flavored Hawaiian Punch that we thought someone might turn into the famed “Guaranteed To Get Laid” trash can punch.

A 32 gallon trash can hold 212 - 16 ounce cans of the punch.
This is a 2 hour ordeal depending on the can opener you have on hand.
Note to self - next time splurge on the 2 Liters.

It was about 5 minutes passed go time and no one had yet arrived.
I am respectful of the “fashionably late” coolness, but I was worried.
The only thing we could figure out was that maybe our communication had some technical glitches.

Our next step was to review our flier. We all took copies and started from the top. We were reading and there it was, we spelled Tedd Nugent -with two d’s.
I could understand the confusion - since this was the name of our former, racist mailroom guy that everyone hated.

How could anyone come to a tribute to Tedd Nugent?

Damn!! I feel like a fool. Nothing can be done now.

Maybe I should have done a tribute to Rihanna?

An enticing buzz from my right, rear Levi’s pocket–
What is this? A new text on my Blackberry.
It’s Fascetious and she will be down in 2 minutes and wants a two-fer Ted tribute, first “Cat Scratch Fever” followed by “If You Can’t Lick ‘em, Lick ‘em”.
Looks like Nelson Martin’s Junior Account’s Payable Executive is going to have him a tall Malted Chocolate Shake, after all!!

Thanks, Uncle Ted!!

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