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OLD DAN CEDAR'S WORST AND BEST MOVIES OF 2016


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 26 February 2017

Old Dan Cedar’s Worst Movies of 2016



1.) Manchester by the Sea…aka…Man Pacing by the Sea

Casey Affleck is all growed up and his voice has turned from that 17 year old whiny ass, mumbling voice that he had into a 21 year old whiny ass, death spiral, mumbling, yelling voice. But that is only where the trouble begins. First off…we don’t have a Protagonist. So, why do I care whether anyone in this Arctic Playhouse lives, dies, lays or prays?

I DON’T!!

Somebody died. I am supposed to feel sorry about the fact that Casey has to take over guardianship for the dead guy’s insipid kid. There’s a lot of yelling and talking over each other and I am only thinking about the hot chick at the popcorn squirter. Because, ya know, I care about her. It’s a good thing to keep those glasses on honey…protects the eyes from stray squirt.

I was so checked out of this movie, not only due to the popcorn girl, but because little, brooding Casey just keeps pacing back and forth from one place in this godforsaken Ice City to another godforsaken place. Casey, buy a fucking car and let’s take about 45 minutes off of this god damned Glacier. And while you’re at it, you might want to work the popcorn squirting nerd babe into this pile of shit, so that I don’t have to keep asking how in the hell this piece of penguin dookie got an Academy Award nomination.


2.) The Lobster…aka…I Am Going To Die In 45 days If I Have to Watch this movie Again


Let’s first start with the pitch. This is an unrequited love story about a man and woman that have to find a new mate or they will turn into an animal.

SOLD!!

Another critically acclaimed (3.5 of 4 from the dead Roger Ebert) waste of film.

More specifically…the stupidity reigns. This is supposed to be some kind of allegory to 1984. Big state government pushing people around.

Hillary would NEVER DO THAT.

You’ve got Collin Farrell walking around with Rachel Weisz, both looking for somebody to bang. Huh, maybe I’m missing something here, but if I was Collin…I’d just turn around and bang the hot, little, left winged battle axe Jew that is traipsing around with me. She looks like she has a cute, hairy bush.

No, wait… there’s a law that I can’t masturbate, my brother is a dog that follows me around (along with grown up Anne Frank…aka Ms. Weisz) and I would rather just turn in to a Lobster than just fuck the Anne Fucking Frank. See, it’s that kind of racial bias that will turn you into a goddamned sea urchin, or some such, every time.

Collin Farrell is just another Limey Bastard that hates Jews.

Probably voted for Trump.

Like all of the Hollywood elites.


3.) Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice…aka…Three Hours and Three Minutes of Dumb

This is why I hate superhero movies. First of all, everyone knows that Superman could kick Batman’s dumb, black-thonged ass in less than 3 minutes. What the hell do I need with the remaining three hours?

Oh, Yeah…Bad CGI fight sequences and explosions. There’s your synopsis.

Which would explain why I fell asleep about 70 minutes into this in-flight movie.

Ben Affleck is, as expected, horrific, as Batman. And I don’t know who the good looking fella that is playing Superman is, but he’ll just end up killing himself or being paralyzed at some point. Then…I bet I’ll remember his name.

Dumb Premise. Dumb Ben. And even though it was a Dumb 70 minutes that I actually watched…I will take the Patriots to win the Super Bowl odds that the remaining math was just as Dumb.

At least, Dumb Ben wasn’t as bad as Dumb Casey. But, boy, did they both strike out!!

I just found out that humans are so closely related to chimps…that chimps can actually have Down Syndrome. Maybe…Possibly…Kanako, the Down Syndrome Ape, should be the next Batman.


4.) Nocturnal Animals – aka…I Watched This 3 Weeks Ago and Can’t Remember Anything But Amy Adams Upturned Nose

…and that this movie was awful.

NEXT!!


5.) Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk…aka…What’s The Fucking Point, Here?

Army Hillbilly-Virgin Billy Lynn is coming home to see his sister Ginger and watch a football game while getting honored for some heroic shit that he did in this never-ending, godforsaken war to kill all Arabs. Well, if you thought the war was long…steep in this Lump of Jerry Jones inspired Black Lung Stew. The team is supposed to be the Dallas Cowboys playing in a knock-off of the AT&T Death Star. All while the owner of the team, played by Steve Martin, does an incredibly bad Texas accent.

Yep…Stevie Martin playing Jerry Jones. An inspired choice. The Man With Two Brains.

It’s an ever-meandering trail of feces that flashes between the war, the soldiers coming home to be honored (all while playing grab-ass with each other) and the virgin, Billy Lynn, getting a hard on making out with one of the cheerleaders. And as a bonus…talk of the Alamo…All the while, Billy Lynn struggles about whether to re-up.

Ang Lee directed this stool sample that can never decide what it wants to be. So, we have to decide. It just sucks fake Cowboy cock.

Spoiler Alert - He goes back to the war!

You can thank me on Old Dan Cedar’s GoFundMe page.



6.) The Witch…aka…You Just Thought King Hippo Was Fucked Up

So, not a bad start here…A hot, comely, vexing blonde (Anya Taylor-Joy) in Puritan time New England who may or may not be a witch. If the title doesn’t give it away. Duh….

I imagine if she were a porn star her stage name would be Harley Hills!!
Boy…that’s some random shit.

So, Rotten Tomatoes…Critics 91%...Audiences 56%....TURD ALERT!!!

So, there’s a lot of nonsense about this family getting kicked out of the shithole Pilgrim community for some unknown reason. This is definitely a congregation of tight asses.

Meryl Streep would categorically not be welcome here.

The family is cast out of the village on their own and a baby disappears playing peek a boo with the hot, young Stone Cold Fox blonde. Then, the comely vixen’s eight year old brother ends up dead after she cock teases him for half of the movie, then their goat rams the dad until he’s dead and the vixen becomes a goat whisperer. And the goat (played by the late King Hippo in his final role) tells her how to become a witch.

She becomes a witch.

So, the moral to the story…The tight ass Puritans were right all along. Stay the fuck away, Streep!

Whoops…Another Spoiler Alert!!

Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies of 2016




1.) LA LA Land…aka…Unrequited Lust On Tippy Toes Or Something More
Up

So, I know this sounds like a cheesy idea. A young couple meets. Fall in Love. And do the Safety Dance. But, will it end in tantrism, ensconced in velvet fog with Mel Torme crooning? Or tragically…When Harry Met Sally at the Ball dropping with the help of Princess Leia?

Gotta tell you. Hollywood loves stories about themselves. And this is right in their wheelhouse.

I rarely agree with the Oscar winner. But this year, they will get it right.

That’s the only spoiler alert you are going to get here.

Ah…to be young, hot and dance to a choreographed original score.

As much fun as the Oscars love to make of the good, old, square days. Deep down, they know it makes them look classy.

As opposed to the acceptance speech diatribes.

That’s why it’s called Showbiz, folks!



2). The Founder…aka…Mac Step-Daddy

So, most folks don’t even know that this movie is 2016 Oscar qualified, but it is. Even though IMDB has it released in January of 2017. But, if you look at the official list of the 336 Oscar eligible movies…you can find The Founder.

Michael Keaton is brilliant, De rigueur. Keaton plays Ray Kroc, the guy who ‘founded’ McDonald’s. But…not so much.

But…he wasn’t always the famous ‘founder’ of McDonald’s. In the beginning he was just a guy. A sales guy. Trying to get a scrap of food on the table for him and his wife.

Keaton plays Willy Loman morphed into a genius.

Kroc always said he was in the real estate business, not the burger business.

And he takes everything he can from anyone he can. By hook or crook. Including Dick and Mac McDonald.

If he’d have come around 44 years later…there may be golden arches over the white house and a roomful of Oscar contenders ready to declare him the Anti-Christ.

3). Weiner…aka…What A Dick!

So…this is the story of Anthony Weiner. A real person. So, it’s a documentary. For those of you that don’t like documentaries…tough titties.Along with the dearth of good regular movies and the plethora of death in the Wide, Wide, World of Fame in 2016, came some good documentaries that were completely overlooked by The Academy of Arts and Dunces.

So, for some unknown reason, this New York piece of shit allows a camera crew to follow him around as he runs for mayor. Yep...the same guy that sent selfies of himself with an erection on the internet a few years back. And…the same guy who was married to Huma Abedin, she of the failed Hillary Clinton campaign for POTUS.

Which, I am thinking, is a good reason this movie didn’t get a nomination for best documentary. I mean really, Weiner’s future ex-wife, could be the
first female president.

She actually comes off looking a whole lot like Hillary did in the Lewinsky sex scandal. Actually better. She does the whole stand by your man thing…up to a point, but she never demeans or claims conspiracy when her husband pulls his very public ass wipe move.

Even though Old Dan Cedar doesn’t really care for Tony Weiner…I still felt some very pained moments. The guy is super smart, but a complete sexual mess and nutbar. He’s a hot head. Gets in shouting matches with people on the street that shame him.

And then watching Huma pull back. And the votes come in. And watching their young child.

It is painful.

And will grab you by the balls! Turn and cough!!



4). Arrival…aka…Okay, I Forgive Amy Adams For Nocturnal Animals

So, this movie is a little bit of a slow burn. And I didn’t really get past my fantasies of Amy Adams on all fours with a gag ball in her mouth for the first hour of the film.

The films apex is quick and powerful. Something like what Old Dan Cedar might redeem if given an actual image of Amy Adams donning said gag ball.

So, if you need to piss bring a catheter. Or at least a Coke bottle.

“No officer…I was not whacking tater to Amy Adam’s ball gagged mouth and upturned nose!! I just read on this really shitty website that I couldn’t miss the good part and that this kind of thing wasn’t frowned upon!!”

At this point, there’s a good possibility that you may be shot by a rookie officer who thought the catheter was a gun.

Anyway…I digress.

Okay, Pee Wee…Just rent the fucking movie at home. It will allow for the piss-pause and save you a misdemeanor for public exposure.



5). Tower…aka…Lots of Young, Dead Longhorns

So, this is a cool movie that is shot using archived video of the actual shooting at the University of Texas at Austin Tower Shooting (1966) integrated with rotoscopic animation.

It’s a little off-putting in the beginning, but if you really watch how they integrate the animation with film footage, it’s fucking awesome.

There’s nothing funny about Charles Whitman, the ex-marine that killed 17 people including his mom, wife and an unborn baby. The baby’s mom is in the film.

The movie will be streamed for free until March 1st by PBS Independent Lens.

So, you cheap bastards may wanna go ahead and watch this fucker.

And that’s as close to a straight movie review as you’ll ever get on this website. I only used ‘fuck’ twice. And ‘bastards’ only once.



6). Zero Days…aka…The Most Important Film of 2016

When you are laughing at the people who are stocking their basements with crackers, water, condensed milk, spam and AK-47s, just remember that Old Dan Cedar warned you.

This movie has a lot of interviews with CIA types that talk about developing the StuxNet virus (along with the Mossad) to infiltrate the uranium enriching plants that Iran was using to develop nuclear weapons.

The problem, it turns out, is now a bunch of assholes all over the world have access to this virus or some variation.

And one day, mark my goddamned words…this will reign terror on the American people of which we haven’t seen the likes.

The end of days is nigh!!

Repent you mother fuckers!!

Good Night and Good Luck...Old Dan Cedar

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