By Ian Specter - Posted on 14 November 2010

(Washington, D.C.) President Barack Obama returned to the White House today after completing his trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. He spoke to a throng of giddy pool reporters in the rose garden and expressed his dismay from his seemingly successful trip from some of the most dangerous places in the world.

Not wearing his American Flag lapel pin, and in his halted, stilted manner of speaking, the president said, “Quite frankly…I am fortunate to be alive. I have come to the conclusion -- that putting myself in harm’s way, in some of the most violent third-world countries of the world – at great expense to my adopted country while over-extending the ability of the Secret Service to protect my life – has turned out – unpredictably well.”

“I had every expectation of coming back to the White House in a body bag. I fully expected today - to be lying in state in the Capitol rotunda, having mournful Americans file past my lifeless, flag-draped corpse while news anchors across the world waxed poetically about what might have been - had I lived. I also fully expected to be in the presence of 72 virgins having given my life for Allah.”

“That being said, I still have hope. All is not lost, my fellow African-Americans. There is still a chance for the Democratic party to win the elections of 2012.”

“As you all know – I am a great fan of President Kennedy. And in his honor – I am announcing today – a trip to Dallas which is set to coincide with President Kennedy’s assassination on November 22, 1963.”

“I have instructed The Dallas Morning News, as they did with President Kennedy – some forty-seven years ago – to publish the route my motorcade will travel. Air Force One will land at 9:03a.m (Central Standard Time) at Love Field, in Dallas.”

“I want to re-assure any would be assassins that I have ordered the Secret Service to stand down. I will be traveling in a 1963 replica open-roofed convertible – rain or shine. We will follow the exact, same route that President Kennedy traveled on that ill-fated day which led to our distorted view that JFK was anything more than a philandering, risk-taking, rich, lucky white boy.”

“I would also like to encourage any dress-making, foreigners with high definition cameras to assemble near the triple underpass. Please feel free to contact Oliver Stone anytime after 3pm pacific time on November 22nd. He has a staff of revisionist historians standing by – at his disposal.”

“Dead men tell no tales – so - May Allah bless and any, and all, sharp-shooting, despondent Marxists that may have an open window from which to train their sights on me.”

“Good luck to President Biden and the future American Cosmonauts.”

“Just remember, who’s your daddy.”

With that the president smiled, winked and waved and said, “Allāhu Akbar!!”

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