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By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 21 July 2013

Hey y’all…between my numerous, unsuccessful attempts at suicide by cops and the ample amount of time I spent hand crocheting my ailing, Catholic mother a Shroud of Turin quilt, time got away from my commitment to my true calling…separating the shit from pure grade apple butter that Hollywood perennially churns out these days. But, just so you don’t have to just go off what King Hippo has been clickety-clacking away on his typewriter, I do feel it my solemn duty to keep my faithful flock from wasting their free bit torrent downloads on movies that you can count on…so, you don’t have to waste your money, time or terabyte space on nothing but the best.

You may now proceed to read the channeled voices of my TV father growing up, the great Andy Griffith, who we lost this past year, and my current TV kindred spirit, Kentucky lawman Raylan Givens, played by the great Timothy Olyphant.

Enough of my yammering…start that familiar whistling in your empty head and let Sheriff Taylor and Deputy Givens give us their over-cussing takes on the best and worst picture shows of 2012.


1. Zero Dark Thirty – Well, contrary to what King Hippo would have you think, it is not my undeniable neediness to stick it to Jessica Chastain in any and every orifice where the sun don’t shine. This is a purely, tense, action movie that kept Old Dan’s bowels aquiver for its entirety. You won’t hear any more clever use of metaphor-isms than that from Mr. Smarty Pants, Seth Macfarlane hosting the Academy Awards later on today. Hire Old Dan, then you’ll be a damn deal funnier, Mr. Family Guy, and won’t be out on your ass like that little smart ass James Franco, after he scoffed at my offer. Clocks ticking Seth, we’re about down to less than 12 hours and I gotta still iron my tux.

2. Lincoln – I don’t know who Daniel Day-Lewis had to bed on the casting couch to land this role, but I gotta tell you, I would have taken one in the caboose myself for this prime piece of meat. And if it meant getting to look at that prime piece of tail, Sally Field, for twelve hours a day…so much the better. Prime Meat and Prime Tail. Put some A1 sauce on it and you got yourself a bunch of them, there, gold statues. Pretty darn good President, Director, Story and Actors, don’t hurt much neither.

3. Argo – So, what you want is your tension and your comedy and then some history stuff about why we hate them Muslims, and then add in some stuff about them Canadians and how, even though some of them speak French, they’re still pretty, good folk. Yeah, you got some made up stuff that ain’t quite true. But you know what you also got, Barney? You got you a pretty, darn good picture show. And you know what that means? It means you can nuzzle right up to Thelma Lou, cause that, there Ben Affleck is still a pretty good lookin’ fella. Even if he’s covered up in that beard. And Thelma Lou can just close her eyes and pretend that she’s in the back of the movie balcony with Ben, instead of your scrawny, little self. And if, she asks any questions…just tell her that’s your gun pokin’ up against her. And you do have one bullet in there…if she needs a shot. Just hold your fire. So, it don’t go off accidentally.

4. Bernie – Look, we all know it’s a crap shoot with a Jack Black movie. Always funny, but not always a good movie picker. This one here is underrated and you probably went and saw some shitty action movie and bought some Oxy to impress a date instead of walking into some artsy theater to get some true joy that doesn’t include a handy in the back row. And if you’re from Texas, you will see a bunch of real familiar folks in this movie. Some that probably live right down the street from you. I felt a kindred spirit in Bernie, who just so happens to be an assistant funeral director in Carthage, TX. Spoiler Alert: Young Dan Cedar used to be Assistant to the Assistant Manager at the Burger King on Coit Road, right there in beautiful, downtown Richardson, TX. And yep, Old Dan ‘accidentally’ killed someone in the drive thru there, after one too many requests by some blue-haired old bag to ‘have it her way’. For about a week thereafter, many a Whopper was made Old Dan’s way. No extra charge.

5. Nothin’ – Yep you read that right. Nothin’. Unlike the Academy, Old Dan ain’t gotta sell tickets. So, you’ll only be getting the best of the best. I guess Hunger Games was pretty good and so was the Life of that Pi fella with the funny accent. And there may be one that I see later, that I ain’t got around to yet. But, if you think I am gonna trust my 1963 Ford Galaxie squad car trust that half retard Marine, Gomer, who went up and married himself a fella this year just to drive to the city…then you must think I’m a half retard, too. Hell, I’d rather trust Ernest T. Bass.

5a.) Redux…Hit and Run – Okay…Hit and Run didn’t make it into my top 5 movies of the year (2012) because I hadn’t, yet, seen it. Hit and Run is in the Old Dan Cedar, filthy mouthed, cleverly pulled off, in 100 minutes guidelines – easily under the 2 hour barrier that every big-budget, Hollywood piece of shit, justifies putting into theatres every fucking weekend. Just a head’s up…The ONLY movie award that Hit and Run actually won, was something called The Golden Fleece Award. What the fuck is the Golden Fleece Award? It’s some made up, bullshit award…kind of like King Hippo and Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies Of The Year. It is given out to the movie where the trailer of the movie was judged better than the sum of the movie. Hit and Run is a movie that I caught on Netflix, some months after the Academy Awards. This movie is fucking hilarious. A road movie, where myriad of vehicles are driven around by Dax and his real life girlfriend, Kristen Bell, as he tries to help her out because he deeply loves her. But, in helping her out, and Old Dan would do the same, believe you, me, to hold on to that fine piece of pie, Dax has to reveal that he is in the witness protection program and explain why a U.S. Marshall, Tom Arnold, is trying to protect him, and why his old bank robbing buddies are trying to kill him. Let me make this clear: Old Dan is not a “car guy”. It now takes Levitra to get my Old Dan dick hard, and not the revving of car engines. Hit and Run overcomes this with clever dialogue and surprises at every embankment. Tom Arnold, doing a great, over-cussing Barney Fife homage, is brilliant. The relationship between Dax and his girlfriend reminds me of the relationship of Bruce Willis and his girlfriend in Pulp Fiction. And the dialogue is nearly as clever. But, sorry stoners, you aren’t going to get it if you’re three hits into the bong. Go watch Pineapple Express…fucking idiots. When you snap out of it and regain those long, lost, brain cells, then sit down with the family and enjoy the rollicking, road movie,that is an homage that Bob Hope and Bing Crosby could never have imagined in the 1940 classic, Road to Singapore. But, brilliant, none the less…


Lord, I do declare, between the marrying of the men and that there fella occupying the White House for another four years, and the death of one of the greatest fellas to occupy the television airwaves, this past year just ain’t one to remember too fondly. But, I tell you what it did make for. It made for an easy pickin’ list of the worst picture shows of any year in my memory.

1. The Master – No, I ain’t even seen this movie, but once I saw that King Hippo had it at the top of his leader board, I had no doubt that this fish pole had no bait on the line. Besides that, Boogie Nights has been Paul Thomas Anderson’s only good film and that was fifteen years ago. I will take it that this here is a movie that probably meanders, gets caught up in its own artsiness and when it finally ends, you will overhear in the lobby, the folks that have Master’s Degrees in Movies trying to explain to the rest of us dullards what the meaning of the film was and why we don’t get it. Probably doesn’t have a real ending. As with most of King Hippo’s top movies of all time (e.g. No Country For Old Men).

2. Rock of Ages – Yep, your humble reviewer, Dan Cedar, did see this steaming pile of shit on a stick. Glowing with the greatest music from the greatest musical decade of all time, you’d think, ‘fellas, I think we got us a winner, here’. But the Scientologists must have gotten hold of all of the actors and writers, and not just Tom Cruise, this time. Kind of reminded me of a 2007 movie, Across The Universe. Where they just put a bunch of Beatles’ songs together and tried to weave them into a story. Life Lesson…Don’t expect the greatest music of all time to carry a story. You’ll get much better results by getting some Nazi’s chasing a family of over-singing Aryans on an Austrian hill while belting out Rogers and Hammerstein ditties. Now, that’s entertainment!!

3. Looper – If you hadn’t figured out that LSD has made a full blown comeback in Hollywood, then,remember there are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third. Oh, yeah, now I remember…we’ve seen this movie before and it was actually good. Synopsis…Time Travel. Kill bad guys. Change the future.

Now, Terminate this idea once and for all…and lay off the acid. Now that’s a better future that we can all look forward to.

4. Dark Shadows – Another in a long line of Tim Burton’s endless trilogies about being weird and how that makes a good story. But my favorite Burton quote of all time is, “I wouldn't know a good script if it bit me in the face.”

Which is exactly what happened when Danny DeVito
(as The Penguin), did to the makeover artist ‘Josh’ in 1992’s
Batman Returns, “Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.”

Again that was 20 years ago. Hell, King Hippo, will come up with a good review if you give him 20 years.

Even, Aunt Bea would tell you that if you can’t make a good movie with Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Chloë Grace Moretz, then you might want to let Goober take a look at it before you go puttin’ it on the big screen.

I guess you still get extra points for being a weirdo in Hollywood.

5. The Dictator – The great Larry Charles, of Seinfeld fame, couldn’t save this script about an impotent dictator that dips, ducks and dives to get us to a sappy, happy ending. Political correctness abounds with the two jews making the movie, trying to make sure that they don’t step on Allah’s fragile toes, lest the Muslims start blowing shit up. Again.

Honorable Mention: Lawless – This one is for King Hippo. Nice little premise here. Set in Raylan Givens stomping grounds in the prohibition era, a great cast including Tom Hardy, Guy Pearce, Gary Oldman and even a topless Jessica Chastain can’t save this movie without a story arc.

If you want to truly enjoy a fine show, just realize it doesn’t have to come from the big screen. Old Dan Cedar, who as a fledgling enjoyed the great Andy Griffith Show, now finds a kindred soul in U.S. Deputy Marshal, Raylan Givens of Justified. I too, agree that Lynyrd Skynyrd is overrated. Move into this here century and check out Uncle Lucius. Or as I call them…the Best Band on the Planet.

On second hand, check out Lawless. But, just for the titties. And use some Kleenex, so the wife don’t start asking questions.

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