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PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - AKA...Paranausea Activity


By King Hippo - Posted on 07 December 2009

Ok, If I unwittingly sit down to watch another movie with the GODDAMN "LET'S MAKE THIS MOVIE MORE BELIEVABLE AND EDGY BY FILMING IT IN 'BLAIR WITCH PROJECT VISION'," I SWEAR THAT I WILL GO POSTAL!

WTF?!?!?!?

And let me assure you The King NEVER over-embellishes.

Another supposed "true story" to entice you idiots and ME - The Great King Hippo to spend our hard-earned, or in the case of our presently-revered welfare class, hard-scammed, money.

This is another "haunted house" story with the twist of having no story; just some douche bag’s shack-up boyfriend who is going to "crack the case" by setting up video cameras, using a Ouija board, and verbally challenging the spirits to come out so he can kick their asses.

*Eyes Rolling*

Doesn't everyone know a jackass like this?

Don't Answer. It's a rhetorical question, Asshole!!

A smart-assed, know-it-all tool who's delving in things he knows NOTHING about and thinks that he's just the badass who's going to solve something that trained experts, university professors, and people with decades of experience can't figure out.

Oh, shit, I just described President “No, let’s do the fucking surge, again. Yes the one that I thought was a shitty idea last year” Obama.

My bad!!

Anyway, a young couple set up quarters in San Diego, and as time drags on, and I do mean drags…weird phenomena start to occur in their small two story house.

No biggie, just some random creaks and farts to start.

Things start to progress however, and the couple contacts a university professor for some answers. Unfortunately for the couple, the professor is just a "medium". He doesn't have the knowledge or experience to get rid of the entity.

He also feels like it is an evil entity and quickly leaves the house with his tail between his legs - ala Dan Cedar when his wife cracks the whip.

We come to find out that the house is NOT haunted but the girlfriend IS haunted.

Not hard to believe for any guy that has ever been in a relationship outside of three weeks. I once went 19 Days...Close, but no cigar. Sucker!!

In fact she and her sister both experienced paranormal phenomena when they were children living in another town.

Note to future fiancées: Ask these important questions BEFORE handing over the ring –
1) Is your ex-boyfriend a psychotic lieutenant for the MS-13?
2) Have you ever had a previous boyfriend die of "mysterious" circumstances?
3) Have you ever "caught" an STD from a tractor seat?
4) Are you possessed by an evil spirit?

That about covers it – at least for the last four back-stabbing whores whose current occupation consists of fertilizing my “organic” garden out back of the trailer homestead.

But I digress. The milksop professor recommends his colleague who is more versed in the "getting rid of" department.

Of course, the couple decides against this – being that nothing has progressed to "concerning."

Whoops - big mistake.

Of course, things do start to escalate and by the time the couple tries to contact the colleague friend, they find out he's on an overseas sabbatical but, shucks, “you just missed him by a day”.

Your bad.

Even though the "phenomena" get progressively more violent, eerie, and numerous, I had a hard time focusing. I must have shifted my ass and legs in every possibly way across the breadth of three theater seats.

I only found a comfort zone when I was able to park my right leg over a comely lass's lap and her head in my crotch. And NO, I didn’t get her name, phone number or birth date.

The last 10 minutes of the movie is the money shot - figuratively and literally for one King Hippo.

If you rent this flick, feel free to come and go as you do the laundry, wash the dog, feed the kids, mow the lawn, or smoke some reefer in the back yard.

Assuming you don't know how to work the fast-forward on your DVD player - just get your ass back in for the last part. You'll get enough of the previous yawn and nausea-inducing camerawork and story to know what the hell is going on.
And…Listen, YOU Morley-Safer-Loving-Fuck.

Regardless of how much of the first 60 minutes of this movie you see - the end will scare the fuck out of you...and probably turn Dan Cedar into a woman looking for a place to lay his head.

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