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PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 - Aka...How NOT To Shoot A Porno


By King Hippo - Posted on 29 November 2011


*GROAN*

What possesses King Hippo to continue seeing these nausea fests? Is it his penchant for self-inflicted S&M? Or is it a substitute for high colonics and anorexia? Has he found the magic bullet for his chronic insomnia? Why is The King referring to himself in the third person? Could it be that he is possessed by an evil entity?

The answer to all of these questions could be related to the fact that Dan Cedar keeps me in a drug induced stupor chained to a manual Smith Corona Skyriter circa 1962 model typewriter to churn out banality and delusions of grandeur under the guise of "academic theatrical film review” with the ever-present promise that he will annually compensate me by renewing my subscription to Scouting magazine with the allure that I - King Hippo - could - one day - become an Eagle Scout if I could just successfully complete my Youth Protection Training that I have been dutifully attending and failing for the past nineteen summers at Penn State.

A one-sentence paragraph!! Take that Dan Cedar!!

So now we get the "rest of the story." This is the prequel to the previous two Paranormal Activit(ies.)

The story takes place in the late 80's - well past the dawn of Betamax, but before the advent of consumer digital recorders. Hence, we get the full force "jigglefest" camera work by Dennis, the girls' mother's shack up boyfriend, who makes a living in the "video tape industry."

Dennis, who is living his life much the way Bob Crane did after Hogan’s Heroes was canceled, convinces Julie to tape a porno one night.

King Hippo, with an equally excited Paul Reubens in tow, was on the edge of his chewing gum/artificial butter flavored popcorn ‘butter’ encrusted theater seat with anticipation at the lost art of the "big screen" porno until a poorly timed earthquake occurs, puts the kibosh on the amateur skin flick.

WTF?!?!?!?

This is the only reason I went to see this dry heave festival!

As the movie progresses, things start to get more creepy, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. We find out Julie's mom is a witch, that Julie can levitate in midair and that Dennis is the American hippy version of those female Chinese contortionists who can twist their bodies into impossible human pretzels.

THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!!!

AND THESE PREQUELS ARE STARTING TO GET MONOTONOUS!!!

What's next? Granddad filming snuff films at coven gatherings with his Kodak super 8 film camera and pausing the blood-letting every two and a half minutes so that he can reload a new film cartridge into the camera?

Oh shit, I just described Dan Cedar's gay S&M stag parties held every Halloween at The Castro Theatre in San Francisco. And surprisingly close to my Eagle Scout Youth Protection Training with the Nittany Lions, sans the film.

I gotta make a change…Hey Now!!

Bob Crane - you are a fucking genius!!

Note to self: Borrow Dan Cedar’s new waterproof Sony HD Camcorder (and tripod) prior to leaving for Pennsylvania next summer. They don't have earthquakes there, do they? Me thinks that King Hippo has only one more unrestricted prostate exam to give for my country’s greatest scouting honor.

My scout leader says that my asshole looks like a vagina!!

King Hippo will take that as a compliment. Along with my merit badge.


Three naybobs
King Hippo – Future Eagle Scout

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