By Ian Specter - Posted on 19 February 2011

The Catcher in the Rye” author J.D. Salinger blogged from his grave early this morning that he was “distinctly upset” that Holden Caulfield, 1950’s era ultra-hip colloquialisms, and his often blamed classic work of literature were not getting enough credit for the mass shooting in Arizona.

Salinger, reportedly writing with a 4G Sprint Evo smart phone scribed, “Mark David Chapman wasn’t a visionary, but at least he wasn’t yellow and he had a plan. And I am not going to clarify John Hinckley or Lee Harvey Oswald.

But this bullshit in Arizona???

How much fucking effort does it take to jot down a note and put a paperback in your pocket before you go out and rip off 15-20 Glock shots at a bunch of innocents?

All these handsome guys are the same. This jackass that shot Congresswoman Gabby Gifford looked crazy, sure, but you’re gonna blame Sarah Fucking Palin. MILFs are all slightly insane, but there is no indication that they cause people to go insane. You can burn a book, but unlike a book - if you burn a swell gal – she’d better be from Salem.

I’ll bet Jesus wouldn’t burn a witch, but I will sure as hell do it. I swear to God I will.

I mean, who the fuck is gonna be stupid enough to believe that shit with the ‘inflammatory rhetoric’? And enough with ‘target cross hairs’!!!

The most IMPORTANT things this great country was built on – were ‘inflammatory rhetoric’, ‘target cross hairs’ and, if you were lucky, maybe a few of your most prized possessions.

But that’s the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you starting shaking hands at Love Field or the Safeway, or trying to sneak into The Dakota after a late night dinner - when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.

Happily, some of these shooters, and stern-jawed, condescending television pundits kept records of their troubles. You could learn from them — if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

If we can’t learn from our historical poetry – then we are doomed to repeat it. Probably three times a day on MSNBC - unless there is some REAL news.”

You illiterate rubes wouldn’t know it, but most of this rant was lifted, wholly or in part, from the second greatest book in American literature. You should also know by now that Holden Caulfield, Mark David Chapman and I are standing by this cliff just beyond the rye - trying to catch all of you crazy kids from falling off.

‘Is HE crazy’, you ask?

HE sounded kind of crazy…for eight goddamn years.

All morons hate it when you call them a moron.

But enough is enough.

Enjoy your time off, Keith Olbermann.

Imagine no possessions – YOU PHONY PIMP!!

Oh, yeah….Thanks for the autograph and Fuck you!”

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.