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ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME TO OPEN NEW WING


By Ian Specter - Posted on 18 March 2014

(Cleveland, OH) - Today, a spokesperson for The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inc.announced that they will open a new arm to the museum in 2015 to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the museum. The newest wing will be dedicated to the proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases by members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Spokesperson Rod Thorn explained that “the new extension of the museum is a mix of The Holocaust Museum and Disneyworld’s Space Mountain. We want this exhibit to scare people straight about the consequences of treating their bodies like an amusement park, but to also have a carefree time with the family. We will also be handing out free condoms and allowing visitors to sign up for a free needle program. We are able to do this through the sponsorship of each section by corporations dedicated to educating fans of rock and roll.”

The thrill-ride roller coaster will begin at the top of ‘Sex Mountain’. It’s a slow ride to the pits of hell into the indiscriminate sexual forays of various inductees of the Hall.

Thorn continued, “The ‘Members Only’ sponsored section of the ‘STP STD Monsters of Rock Mountain’ unit will focus on the hard rock pioneers. We have already received promissory notes from Mr. Gene Simmons and Mr. Saul Hudson, aka Slash, to have their genitalia removed and donated to the museum upon their passing. And ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you from hand first knowledge that these gents are truly a spectacle to behold. Warts and all. And luckily for us, arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of Rock music, one Mr. Jimi Hendrix, had the forethought to have his purple headed soldier cryogenically frozen to preserve for one and all to experience post-mortem, as they did while he lived. We consider Mr. Hendrix’ yogurt slinger to be the crown jewel of our collection.”

The ride will then take patrons down to the ‘Nasty Nappy Vulva Valley’ at 69 miles per hour to gander that the female whores of Rock. And just as through the rest of the ride, the horrified riders will be bombarded with graphic images of sexual cancers, lesions and yes, even HIV and AIDS. Although Madonna and Stevie Nicks have volunteered to have their nether regions removed and displayed prior to their deaths, the museum has declined, saying that they “don’t want to be party of any claims of promoting female circumcision.” Thorn explained, “This particular exhibit, in the hands of those two media skank whores, would do nothing but invite protests and allow the Occupy Wall Street crowd another venue for their political posturing.”

“We’re here to only display mutilated Rock and Roll genitalia of either sex, regardless of orientation. Which brings me to the PETAA (Penises for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Anuses) subdivision which will plunge 40 feet into an underground tunnel and will focus on the Gay Animal Lover inductees of the Hall of Fame. Although details have not been given about specific stars, one can only hope that the anal impalers of Sir Elton John and Freddy Mercury will be part of this disco balls of horrors, where Ms. Donna Summers will be continuously belting out ‘Hot Stuff’.”

Finally, the train ride will end with one final dive into the basement of the Mountain. The Harriet B. Tubman - Train in Vain division, sponsored by ‘Donkey Kong’, will focus on Syphilis and a massive amount (said to be estimated at over 40,000) of unused condoms donated by Keith ‘Keef’ Richards. Thorn said, “The pile of unused condoms will make our guests gasp. We fully expect it to rival the amount of shoes taken by Nazis at concentration camps which are now on display at the Holocaust Museum. That, followed by the Run D-M-C, Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys sexually scarred automatons, will have many of our passengers reaching for their individual barf bags, provided so as to minimize coaster clean up.”

Thorn concluded by encouraging parents to bring their children and remind them that it’s about Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. “You can’t just cherry pick your way through your musical or sexual choices.”

Al Sharpton, when asked for comment, said that “this a racially insensitive ride. At the very least, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame should dedicate a ride to the Tuskegee Airmen that were euthanized by the U.S government with syphilis.”

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