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KKK Disturbed by Fans Mocking Tiger at Masters

By Ian Specter - Posted on 11 April 2010

(Augusta, GA) The Ku Klux Klan’s Grand Imperial Wizard, Mike Ward, stood dejectedly outside of the Master’s Invitational Golf Tournament as the tournament wound down today.

Ward explained, “I am highly disappointed in the jeers that Tiger Woods had to endure during the past week. I mean, it started on the first day of the tournament with the banner behind the Cessna that read, ‘Tiger, Did You Mean Bootyism?’.

And then for the next four days Tiger was stalked by a wide array of half-soused rabble yelling, ‘Get in the hole, Tiger!!’, followed quickly by guffaws and high-fives amongst inebriated friends gathered ‘round.”

Ward said, “I mean, is that supposed to be clever or mean-spirited?”

“What has this great state come to??!!”

“You have a bunch of quasi-belligerent Guys…”

“First it’s – ‘Get in the Hole’, Guy??!!”

“Then it’s – ‘You’re the Man-whore’, Guy??!!”

“And then I heard the – ‘You’ve got some ‘Splainin’ To Do’, Guy??!!”

“Another Guy's plane banner said, ‘Sex Addict? Yeah. Right. Sure. Me Too!’”

“NOT ONE racial epithet in the group!!”

Ironically,watching the tournament on a 13 inch portable black and white television and speaking from a 12 X 12 cage nearly 3 miles from the golf course where all protesters are relegated by Augusta National chairman Hootie Johnson - the seven Klansmen held their collective heads in shame.

Ward explained, “We are in Fucking Georgia – for Christ’s sake!!"

"If we can’t burn an effigy of Tiger – then, you had all better be able to face the future. Facts is Facts and pretty soon we're gonna have one of them here, a woman, getting in the club, teeing off and making us all play a 6 hour round of golf. Just ask Tiger - You lay with a good for nothing slut, and eventually, you're gonna have to fuck!!"

"And it’s not just Tiger. Have you seen them other golfers out there?"

"We've got blacks, yellows and reds. This should be as easy as shooting a coon from my back porch. But between PETA and the Tea Party - We're dying here!!”

“And - look over there,” Ward said, pointing to another cage of protesters.

“There are more PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) demonstrators than Klansmen. Apparently, THEY are afraid somebody is gonna lynch and castrate a REAL fucking tiger down in Amen Corner.

What are we, Animals?”

“There are NO Confederate flags! NO burning crosses!

You have to be kidding me!!”

“The name of the tournament is The Masters, for Christ’s sake!!”

“THE MASTERS!! Get it??!!”

Ward ended his rant with “Thanks to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ for allowing a white man, Lefty Mickelson, to win this thing or this would have been a COMPLETE waste of time!”

Woods has also been dogged by jeers about his newest Nike ad featuring the voice of his long-dead father.

An unusually light-hearted Woods joked about the ad and even filmed a commercial hawking his new line of golf clubs.

In the ad, Woods, wearing a headset, says, “I am in it to win it and I want to bag as many of you as I can, TODAY!!

Get your own set of my personally designed ShamWoods.”

Tiger then demonstrated his club length while ripping off a 300 yard drive. Then grinning that overly-toothy, fake smile, winked and said, “You’re gonna love my shaft AND my driver.

And if YOU call in the next 20 minutes – I will give you my putter for free.

But I CAN’T do this all day!!”

“Be like Tiger. Hit it Long. Hit it Hard.”

“Get YOUR ShamWoods, Today!!”

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