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UP IN THE AIR - Aka…Up In My Rectum


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 15 December 2009

So, you are ready to take the family out to see a holiday movie to celebrate family, tradition, and the greater sense of community that is felt by mankind in this most holy of times?

Or maybe you just want 114 minutes of peaceful bliss until – you-know-who interrupts your quiet solitude and begins, once again, barking orders from her honey-do spreadsheet that your life has been built around since a week before Thanksgiving.

How many times can I say, “I am working on the website.
I promise I will get to it tomorrow.”?

You know it’s bad when you finally break down and say, “Yes, honey. We can go watch George Clooney glibly smile, furrow his brow, and say anything charmingly smarmy.”

Just let me exist in my peaceful bliss while I watch a fun, holiday JOYFEST!!

Well, maybe my expectations are a bit lofty.
It can’t be that bad...

Lots of Oscar talk.
4 stars here.
4 stars there.
Thumbs-up everywhere.

It’s from the guy that made Juno and Thank You For Smoking.It doesn’t have Reece Witherspoon, Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, Drew Barrymore or Sandra Bullock…hmmmm….this looks ok.

Well here’s a SURPRISE for you EINSTEIN...
Sometimes E doesn’t equal MC Squared!!

The Relationship Basics
Boy Meets Girl.
Boy Chases.
Girl Recoils.
Boy Recoils.
Girl Gets Boy.
They Fuck.
And Fuck.
And Fuck.
Girl Recoils, again.
Boy Chases Girl.
Awkward Moment.
Boy and Girl resign to their separate fate.

It’s A Wonderful Life – this is not!

This George shows up with $50K of new veneers.
Where did the Baked Bean teeth go?
So, instead of that smarmy, toothless grin – He can actually smile.
Thank God.
Looks Good, Georgie Boy.

Anyway, the devil is in the details. I have to focus!

Vera Farmiga and George Clooney are the girl and the boy. It’s cute for a while. I keep noticing the veneers. How much money??? Then it bugged me that Clooney was always in a suit and tie. And then I became what I hate when watching a movie. Self Aware.

I am a guy in a movie theater watching a story about a couple that has incredibly witty banter.

Then I start thinking about WHEN George got his teeth fixed. How much did they REALLY cost? Should I get MY teeth fixed? Could my boss hook me up with somebody that could get me a discount on getting my teeth fixed?

Needless to say - I wasn’t absorbed in this movie.

As with all things Clooney – there is a political undertone - and it can only be great when he doesn’t try to hide it – e.g. Good Night and Good Luck.

Oh, and here is another little nugget - This movie is terminally aware of its place in history and is made as a celluloid time capsule of how history will remember the first decade of this millenium.

The Work Basics
Clooney works for a company that is hired to fire people and travels the land doing so. It’s heartbreaking at times, but it also feels forced at other times. Clooney is acting like he really hates firing people. And acting like he really doesn’t know himself and what he has become.

More self-awareness.

I start thinking – “What is the message that the movie makers are trying to get across to me? If I get my teeth fixed – could I be as charming as Clooney?

And then – I become Glenn Beck watching a movie.
Insane and Paranoid about the message of what I am watching.
I start drawing on an imaginary chalkboard and talking into a camera that doesn’t exist.

A great movie just happens to the audience…
Every time a bell rings another angel gets its wings.

Yeah, that’s right, Zu Zu!

Now – if Clooney can just refer that smarmy, raging, anti-dentite Johnny Depp to the same Tooth Fairy – I can have something to think about during Pirates of the Caribbean IV !

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