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THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – Aka…Grease Is The Word


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 16 July 2012

Differences between this movie and the “original” with Tobey Whatzhisface from 2002 are fairly elusive. Kind of like the differences between Grease and Grease II.

Grease and Grease II differences: Grease was a hit. Grease II was a flop. The similarities ended with the fact that both movies starred fine pieces of tail in Olivia Newton-John and Michelle Pfeiffer – fitting the FPOT roles. The differences were that ONJ could sing (and the movie had a great score) and MP was the bad girl side and the sexiest gum smacker known to Old Dan Cedar.

I recall some male stars in each movie, but I don’t recall them adding up to much of anything afterwards. Although, I think Ms. Newton-John’s co-star did go on to some under-appreciated classic films like Wild Hogs, Face/Off, Look Who’s Talking and Look Who’s Talking Too.

Don’t recall his name, but I believe he is a good man that tithes regularly to his church.

Now the fella that played opposite the gum smacker in Grease II has had a bit of a rough time of it over the last 30 years or so. Blessed with a great deal of talent, but not as well connected within the Church of Scientology. Maxwell Caulfield, although seemingly blackballed for his religious beliefs, does have a surprising connection to Spider-Man. Seems that Mr. Caulfield, provided the voice of Alistair Smythe…aka Spider-Slayer in 18 episodes of The Animated Series Spider-Man (1995-98): Smythe is a comic book super villain and part of the Marvel Universe. He is a key adversary of Spider-Man. But not in this movie.

The Amazing Spider-Man movie follows is mish-mash of stories from the original comic books; while keeping the original Peter Parker Prequel girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, and her father, the NY Police Captain, it ignores the original villains – The Green Goblin and Doc Octopus because…you know…they were used up in the first two movies. There is a new villain. The Green Snail or somesuch.

I don’t hold all of these problems against the movie. As anyone who has read any comic book knows…Continuity is going to be a problem with comic books, comic movies…and in fact, any movies.

How did Grease explain the Australian accent of its newest high school campus hottie? Uhhh, her family vacationed in the United States and liked it so much…they moved there.

How did Grease 2 explain Maxwell Caulfield’s English accent? Exchange student.

Wish I could explain my multiple failed marriages and jobs that easily.

Grease 1 – The girl is the innocent. The boy is the aggressor. Grease 2 – They switch roles. Same movie. Except the second one sucks.

In The Amazing Spider-Man – we get a different “Boy” Star, Andrew Garfield. The problem isn’t that he is 29 playing a 17 year old. The problem isn’t that it’s present day and he is using an old fashioned Yashika Electric 35mm film camera that hasn’t been manufactured since 1977. The problem IS that Andy Garfield sees himself as the next coming of Al Pacino and the overacting has begun in earnest. Hey Junior, This ain’t The Godfather or The Godfather II or Scarface. I half expected Spider-Man to pop off with, "I don't want anything to happen to him while my mother's alive."

Luckily his mom got killed in the first 10 minutes of the movie.

Emma Stone is the new gash on the block playing the love interest. I don’t claim to know who is in the closet here, but there is NO chemistry with these two. And Emma, you don’t have to go to the tanning bed, but get some orange spray-on to color up those legs. Maybe it was the 3D glasses, but you practically seared my retina every time those pale white gams refracted from the big screen.

What makes the two Spidey movies different, besides the current’s better special effects and marginal 3D benefits is that, in the end, Spider-Man 2002 was a great love story…with chemistry between Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Whatzhisface.

An unrequited love story. The best kind of love story.

Because, as we all know…there is no happily ever after.

Once you’ve slurped her sacred nectar, and she yours, to paraphrase Stephen King, “It’s nag, nag, nag.”

I would just like SOMETHING that is not a decade old re-hashing of Spider excrement for my $14.

And with this god damn electronic banking…my wife was already nagging me about wasting money before I get through the 26 minutes of previews.

I wish I could get bit by a tarantula or somesuch.

2 Naybobs

Dan Cedar

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