You are herePast Movie Reviews / ANVIL, THE STORY OF ANVIL - Aka…What the hell you doing with your pathetic life?

ANVIL, THE STORY OF ANVIL - Aka…What the hell you doing with your pathetic life?


By Abzug - Posted on 07 July 2009

You grind at your job everyday…yes sir, no sir — or even worse…”yes ma’am, no ma’am”. You follow all the rules, making “the man” happy and hoping to get that .0000004% raise, so you can churn out a kid just like yourself and maintain the status quo. You work long hours to keep up with those goddamn Joneses, Jenkins’ or whoever the hell lives next door.

If you buy that trendy euro-trash sedan — you feel successful. But the only thing you are successful at is mimicking the herd’s definition of what you should have and what you should do. Yeah, your bullshit self esteem is based on a hood ornament and the fact that you think that U2 is really a great band.

I make a lot of correct assumptions, considering we haven’t met, right?

Come on, really?

Every dream that you had in the early days of your life is beaten back into your subdivisioned skull. Those dreams included making that amateur porno, riding shotgun with a cop, being a DJ at a totally nude club, and possibly being a roadie for your favorite “guaranteed to fail” garage band down the street - merely because they do a great cover of the Judas Priest song “Living after Midnight”.

You can also forget your ridiculous ambition to write sarcastic movie reviews for some fly by night, soon to fail website - where you can also soon sign up for email notification of the latest reviews. Thanks for being a valued reader and fellow meth addict and now back to the review…

I give you Steve “Lips” Kudlow and Robb Reiner and their film…Anvil, The Story of Anvil. This film is fantastic and these guys are my heroes. They are doing what they love to do and will not give into any edict from society — unlike you and — especially me.

This “Rockumentary” follows the history of a band known by few and not actually liked by anyone. The film not only tells the band’s history, but also of their comeback in 2007.

Comeback???

Comeback from what????,
Not selling music????,
Churning out more anal regurgitation known as Heavy Metal??.

Hey Fellas, if I want to worship a heavy metal band — you’d better believe that it will start with a guy in leather — leading a gay pride parade.

I bought albums when I was a kid — based solely on the fact that I knew it was metal and the album art kicked ass — with one or more tits in play, some fire and possibly a reference to Satan.

One historic purchase of mine was the Anvil album “Hard and Heavy”.
I had no clue that Anvil was still living the dream.

These guys met in high school biology class and the formation of a garage band was soon to follow. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll (SDRR) would not be just a phase — like it is for most, but a life long continuous Jonesing.

Seriously, does it get any better than this combination?

Lips and Robb started playing at a very early age. They love the music and vow to do this until death. They have evolved into two repulsive as hell 50 year old guys who just won’t let it go. And have no plans to do so. They have regular BS jobs during the day, but take off time to play and go on tour.

This is truly Spinal Tap minus the fiction plus an actual trip to Stonehenge.

Lips describes the creation of their first songs called “Thumb Hang” which came from one of their history books. Does anyone ever actually listen to metal lyrics?
Hey fellas — this may part of the problem.

Just keep it simple — 2 chords — monotonously repeating over and over.
Lyrics — SDRR. Again, repetition is the key.

Any questions — You just call Abzug!!

The film follows the pathetic (but lovable) band members to the Rockfestival.

All the famous rockers avoid them like the plague since no on has ever heard of them, and — OH, Yeah — Anvil really kinda sucked, so I can’t blame anyone for not digging them.

There is also a tour to Belgium and Transylvania. These places love their metal, but are hesitant about actually buying a ticket to listen live to a band that sucks.

Interviews with their family members are funny as shit. The only thing that Lips’ mom really wanted was for him to earn more money. Shut up bitch! Your kid is doing something he loves!! How many parents can say this? Keep pushing the dinero and he will have a shotgun to his head.

I know what you’re thinking — Abuzug, there are a bunch of musicians that followed their musically-fated hearts, only to end up dead. Maybe, Cobain, Joplin, Presley, Hendrix, Coltrane, Holliday, Mama Cass, M. Jackson, Morrison, Bon Scott, Moon, etc…Maybe, if their moms were a little more involved and a little less enabling — all of those guys would still be alive. Hey Cockwad — If you want Barbara Billingsley as your fucking mother, that is fine by me. Just tell her to keep her fucking Beaver out of my business. But this isn’t all about me, so…

Lips tries a job at selling fake sunglasses over the phone. His boss (and huge Anvil fan) says that if his sales do well — he will make a “shitwack” of money.
The “Foakley” gig lasts about 3 hours.

One bonus for Anvil. There is that there is no “Yoko” factor, just two skanky, fat, white chicks who married a person they loved and are willing to live in borderline, abject poverty to help him live the dream. The last time I got laid — I couldn’t even get that douche bag to shut her pie hole, so I could relax and watch Die Hard on TNT for the 14th time — to try and drown out those erstwhile semi-forgotten dreams.

But that was a while back, and I know what you’re thinking — Abuzug, you are a middled-aged, piece of shit middle-manager tucked safely within some corporate cradle of cubicles — just waiting out the five years you have until your Lurch-like son finally reaches 18 — so you can stop paying the $212 per month to help his hideous, chud-like mother, so she can kick his dumbass off to junior college — where he will drop out after 3 semesters — just like his old man.

Wow!! You make a lot of correct assumptions - considering we haven’t met.

But, again, this is about the movie…

What is really pathetic, is that these guys have busted their collective asses and sacrificed so much — while a dim-witted bitch like Britney Spears makes millions promoting sex and music to teenaged whores who would sell their soul or have sex with someone (such as myself) to have one ounce of success.

Show me some ID — Make me an offer — And I will make you famous!!

Lips and Robb love their music, each other and their families.

No matter how much success or failure comes their way, nothing will ever come before friends and family.

Lips, so eloquently conveys this with, “Family is important Shit man!!”.

Now what are your priorities again?

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