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December 2010


STONE - Aka...OMG Milla Jovovich's Nipples sticky icon

Sure. You can come in to King Hippo’s humble abode. Not that I am guilty of anything. I’m just going to need to see your search warrant first. And would mind asking the SWAT team to stand-down?

Why is it that good movies like Stone are relegated to "art houses" or "limited engagements" or "at select theaters?" And certified dog shit like The Expendables is crammed down the public's collective
throats on blue ray one week after it opens in theaters?

Why do I even have to ask this question? The answer is: clueless tools like Dan Cedar and Lady Spamalot sit like inbred Golden Retrievers with their paws in the air, tails wagging and spittle dripping off their distended tongues entranced with movies such as Knight and Day and Iron Man 2 AND give these strangulated hemorrhoids great reviews.

Good grief!


So, before I go any further, and am carted off for my arraignment - my FOURTH pick for best supporting actor of 2010 goes to Edward Norton for his sublime portrayal of Creeson
Stone, an incarcerated white trash hick who allowed his cousin to set fire to his grandparents’ house...with the grandparents still in it.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT - Aka...Hot Lesbian Sex!! sticky icon

Sometimes, in my hemp-hazed day dreams – this humble movie reviewer wonders if I have any ill-conceived off-spring played forth by my pre-cum - prior to ejaculating on your heart-shaped ass.

So, this movie imagines that you’re a teenager that has two moms and that you were conceived by a neo-hippie spunk donor because your mommies hate cock – yet they wanted the pain and aggravation that come with being married and raising a family.

There’s your movie premise.

Doesn’t sound like an Academy Award winner, huh?

It’s NOT the pitch – It’s the execution. Bitch!!

Do you know how much time, effort and masturbating energy that this reviewer, Dan Cedar, has invested in lesbian sex? Jenna Jameson, Ginger Lynn, Racquel Darrian.

Ooohhh!! Ooohhh!! Yes, Ma’am. You are welcome!!

Alas, The Kids Are All Right women are not those from my youthful misspent, porn-fueled, thong sporting, rug-munching imagery. These here are the forty-something Annette Bening and Julianne Moore. As Christopher Cross might say, “Somewhere between the moon and New York City”.

BLACK SWAN - Aka...Dream Fuck - Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis sticky icon

I must say that every brown-shirted neo-Nazi that I have run into in the greater Chicago metro - over the last month was fired-up to see to so-called “steaming lesbian scene” with the hottest Jews in Hollywood – Natalie Portman vs. Mila Kunis. Aaaaooowww!!

Hot Jews Gone Wild!

Not so fast – Colonel Klink. It’s about as exciting as watching a couple of scantily-clad hens dry-hump down at Heinrich Himmler’s chicken ranch. And no, not the one in Nevada. And go ahead and unpop your monocle – It ain’t The Auschwitz Ballet either, you sadistic, babbling idiot.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 - Aka...Aka King Hippo Projectile Vomits Again


No, not from the movie, from that incessant jiggly "home cam" filming.

I know what you’re saying, “Geez, King Hippo – If you don’t like having your octogeneric tummy upset by this “new age cinematography” then - WHY THE FUCK do you keep going to these jigglefest movies –time after time – instead of just nuzzling against your newly purchased AK-47 and 1948 DC Comic book that you picked you at last week’s Comic-Con?

Why don’t I JUST flip the damned channel on the circa 1967 black and white Zenith TV that my dad bought – sit at arm’s length and flip over to another Monk episode re-run?”

Let me see if I can explain this to you imbeciles reading this article – I DON’T PAY FOR TV - IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FREE. If the price of my solo trip to the theatre means I have to pull a pharmacy heist to get some phenergan suppositories – SO BE IT!

HEY MOM – CAN I GET SOME MEATLOAF???

THE EXPENDABLES - Aka...Middle Aged Flaccid Penises Unite! sticky icon

My name is Madame Ovary and I have been asked to give some insight into The Expendables, because as it so happens - I wasn’t offered my first, second or third choices.

That’s ok. I am sure that the 401k retirement plan with sarcasticmoviereviews.com will be worth a sufficient amount that I can soon quit my night job at The Bunny Ranch.

Think of me as the Mae West of movie reviewers.

It seems that I am on a roll. The day prior to viewing The Expendables - my stem cell transplant for my ALS was postponed in lieu of a more famous patient - one Michael J. Fox. When life gives you Lou Gehrig’s disease – make lemonade.

SKYLINE - Aka...Déjà Shit All Over Again

Haven't we seen this before? Wasn't it called Independence Day, District 9, Signs, War Of The Worlds, or some such? I thought that MAYBE this flick would have some unique twist, but, no, it's just another piece of shit comic book movie that relies on effects rather than story or storytelling.

Oh wait, it DOES have one piece of uniqueness to it - It has the most BLATANT "set up the sequel" ending that I have EVER seen in my life.

WTF!?!?! This is a MOVIE, not a TV series!!!!!!

FASTER - Aka...(I Wish This Movie Would Go) Faster

For Starters - you'll be seeing the word "once" and "brother" more than a few times in this review. I don't have a fucking thesaurus. Sue me!

When people finally meet me they say, “King Hippo” what turns you on? Once my inner monologue says, “I just met you and don’t know if you’re a cop – so I will skip the pre-pubescent fluff boy references”. When a non-offensive idea finally pops into my cerebellum - I say “a good movie.” Well, we already know that Hollywood ran out of original movie ideas back in the 70's. We also know that "good" actors have been replaced by "popular" actors who play the same character in every movie that they are in.

But for some reason the American lemmings embrace this. I, personally, would rather spend MY Saturday afternoons – alone – watching a movie, followed by a trip down to the gun show at the local redneck convention center. And, if TIME and MY GOD permit, try to sneak in a sci-fi convention and a reptile show.

ALL WE ARE SAYING – IS GIVE CYNICISM A CHANCE sticky icon

Today, on the 30th anniversary of John Lennon’s tragic death, the U.S. Senate voted to convict articles of impeachment on a federal judge - only the eighth federal judge to hold such a dishonor.Thomas Porteous was impeached by the House.

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In The News

PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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