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July 2011


RANGO - Aka... I Got a Blow Job In This Movie sticky icon

No, it’s not a metaphor. And yes it was on DVD.

This brings me to my first rant of this here review. A couple of decades back I was invited by this skirt that I worked with to have her “cook me a home-cooked meal”.

Her name was Lisa. She was ok looking. But this was before science folk had taught the village idiot of the damage that could be done to her skin by the man-made, daily-dissipitating ozone layer.

Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon after I fucked her – but it was not to be.

Old Dan has some standards. And one of those is – I DON’T FUCK RETARDS!!

HANGOVER II - Aka…Of Trannies’ Tallywackers and Other Kinky Fucks sticky icon

Jesus, I knew that I was expecting too much from a sequel that had no hope of topping the original. Where the original was fresh and unpredictable, the sequel is boring and tawdry - like Dan Cedar when he takes to a stripper's pole at Heartbreakers Gentlemen’s Club in Dickinson, TX. Or Lady Spamalot’s “confidential STD screening” for the boys on the Southeast Texas Mavericks of the NBA D League that she annually recertifies in the “semi-private” lavatory of Nutty Jerry's Entertainment Complex in Winnie, TX.

The usual gang of idiots are all here, reprising their respective roles as hapless jackasses. A fraternity to whom I will be eternally bonded. How any of us have managed to advance our careers to this point – is beyond me.

UNKNOWN - Aka...I Would Eat January Jones' Ass...Oh, Sorry. Was I Supposed To Be Paying Attention To The Plot? sticky icon

I guess Liam Neeson has taken the baton from Harrison Ford, who initially took the hand-off from Steve McQueen. I wonder who's anchoring this relay. It appears Neeson has comfortably eased himself into the entertaining, yet predictable, action hero mode, sans the Schwarzenegger/Stallone steroid physique...and the plastic surgery...and the ass ugly mistresses. But I digress...

Anyway, Neeson plays Dr. Martin Harris who is traveling with his wife Elizabeth(January Jones)to give a talk at a biotechnology summit in Berlin. After arriving at their hotel, he rushes back in the taxi to retrieve his briefcase which he forgot at the airport. On the way back, the taxi is involved in an accident in which Neeson's head is cracked open and he is thrown into a canal.

The female taxi driver bravely dives into the icy water to save the unconscious Dr. Harris. Don’t get that kind of service in the Cash Cab - especially if you’re an innocent, dim-witted pedestrian on the streets of Vancouver.

WIN WIN - Aka...Jeff Spicoli Joins The Wrestling Team sticky icon

Reciprocity is the key to any successful relationship. Just look at the symbol for Yin Yang. Looks like to me that they are two amoeba fellatiating each other. A Win Win situation.

Such is life.

That is the key message in this, here movie - Win Win.

We’re all looking out for number one, right? The only people that don’t know this are the communists, movie stars and graduate degree elitists. Oh, yeah, and that, there fellow currently occupying the White House and his cronies.

At least that is what they PREACH.

Unless THEY or their Storm Troopers at The Scooter Store WANT SOMETHING.

Like their guaranteed Medicare-approved (e.g. free) devices – “dedicated to helping you regain your mobility”.

What did you say? “NOTHING IS FREE!!”

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS - Aka...You Like Me...You Really Like Me!! sticky icon

Don’t hold me to my drug-addled mis-rememberings, but some of you old fucks may remember when Sally Field gave that speech at the Emmy’s after she beat out Susan Lucci for the ‘Best Actress’ award for her stellar portrayal of a nun that could fly. The show’s name escapes me for the moment…but that’s really not the point.

My point is that of course…Old Dan likes you Sally. You’re a cute Gidgetish, coquettish nun that can fucking fly while teasing the likes of a Young Dan Cedar. What is there not to like?

And better yet, she’s got a bad girl side. The kind of girl that a comedic genius on the order of Burt Reynolds could barely keep his KY-Jelled mitts off of Sally’s mystery hips while simultaneously dating the, Sexy Sultan of Hip 70’s Rock and Roll – The semi-anorexic, quasi-pock-faced Jan Smithers from WKRP in Cincinnati.

Then Ms. Field follows that up with the late-night Cinemax drenched, soft-core Cannon Balls 2. And that is when it got a little creepy for me. Or maybe my buzz just wore off.

ANGEL OF DEATH TO RETIRE IN 2012 sticky icon

(Death Valley, CA)

The Grim Reaper announced his pending retirement December 21, 2012 at a hastily convened news conference on the eve of the annual Death Valley Marathon. Asked why he picked this particular day and venue to make his announcement, Death replied, "It seemed like a good day - it's 113 degrees in the shade and I've got a few competitors on my list to reach out and touch before this event is over. So I figured I might kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."

Asked about the significance of the date of his retirement, Death said that he wanted something special to mark this historic occasion. "I figured that I would go out with a bang during the Mayan Long Count Calendar’s last day."

"I mean there are all kinds of kooks out there convinced that 12/21/12 will be their last day on earth. So what the hell, I might as well go out with a splash."

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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