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December 2011


RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – Aka…Get Your Hands Off Me…You Damned Dirty Liberals sticky icon

So, I guess one shouldn’t try to find a CGI driven movie starring two of the worst, over-actors to grace our planet of Neanderthals since the great Rod Serling co-penned the original PLANET OF THE APES and the great Mr. Fred Rogers’ first episode aired in February of 1968; John Lithgow and James Franco should be two glow-in-the dark, neon red flags, right?

The apes, after apparently having seen our military’s impotence in Afghanistan and Iraq, figure, what the hell are the fucking humans gonna do to stop them…as the goddamn apes converge on the city of San Francisco.

The apes are all smarter than the current occupant of the White House and every other human. But the King of Idiot Mountain is James 'Fucking' Franco who is fittingly cast as the MOST IDIOTIC SCIENTIST IN THE WORLD. He is willing to give up the finest, non-infected piece of ass in San Francisco, Freida Pinto, so he can let the earth be destroyed for his love of a dumb, fucking ape that is out-acting his ass in every fucking frame of film.

A DANGEROUS METHOD – Aka…Keira Knightley Gets Mind Fucked sticky icon

Okalie Dokalie…We’re getting towards the end of 2011 which means, of course, that we are getting to the best movies of the year!!!

Now, just what does A Dangerous Method offer to the paying movie goer?

Psycho, Sexual, Sadism…check…good topic

Early 1900s…check…not too current. And thank God…not in the future

No CGI….check…nothing is really gonna happen…So why the fuck would we need computers? Of course…that didn’t stop the CGI histrionics in those god forsaken Sherlock Holmes movies and Three Musketeers remake from earlier this year.

Viggo Mortensen….check…this guy can win a Golden Globe for standing on a turd.

Keira Knightley…check…she’s hot and all, but…in this here movie she is described as a psycho-sexual mental patient…hmmm…ok…a bit suspicious…she can’t really act…she thinks she can…and I am in no mood to get cock teased for 90 minutes so that this chick can win an Oscar. But…the new Sundance Theatre downtown serves drinks and is a rumored great place to find swingers.

HUGO IN 3D – Aka…Scorsese’s Terms Of Endearment sticky icon

You might think that a guy Martin Scorsese’s age (69) and his number of marriages (5) that he might harken back to the loves of his life that have guided him from the Mean Streets of New York to the past three dozen years or so, when his constantly thickening eye glasses and congruently budding ear hair have made it inevitable that just one woman wouldn’t be able to handle all of this tweezering on her own.

Every guy's 3D dream is different.

Old Dan Cedar harkens to the day of playing catch with his pre-dead daddy in the park.

Or paraphrasing favorite lines from Stripes’ Sergeant Hulka- out of context.

Or more likely, creating an early 80’s MTV Molotov Cocktail of VJ Martha Quinn interspliced in 3D queef-humping with the slightly tore-up Axe Goddess Lita Ford.

THE HELP - Aka...And You Thought Nell Carter Was Fat sticky icon

It’s hard to believe that during the burgeoning civil rights movement…Gene Roddenberry was hurling the likes of James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock through the galaxy at warp speed on a space ship that was being serviced by an inter-galactic switchboard operator…the lovely Lietenant Uhura. This eventually led to the, now historical, first interracial kiss on American television between Kirk and Uhura.

This is where my space/time continuum begins to blur…let’s do the Time Warp, Again.

In The Help, we are transported back to the waning days of Jim Crow in segregated Mississippi where wealthy white folk treated blacks like complete shit with barely more than a whimper of bitching and complaining.

So, the crux of this here movie is how one of these debutante’s decides that her feminist, rebellious inclinations can be best utilized by gathering stories from the local, Fat-ASS maids that wait on every beckon call of their employers. Cooking their fried chicken, raising their babies and polishing their brass.

THE DEBT – Aka…Jessica Chastain Makes Wood sticky icon

It’s always sexual with you, huh? That’s what my wife, Bibs Detroit, says every time she reads my reviews.

Yah, mostly…but sometimes it’s about Jews or Nazis. Huh, maybe that’s because that accounts for 69 out of every 100 movies made in Hollywood.

69…That sounds like a good number when I am thinking of ways to work Jessica Chastain into a review. Like…I would eat her 69 ways to Sunday. I would cunningly spell out the alphabet with my tongue…however many times it takes to get to 69.

If I remember my geometry correctly…the answer is pi.

Anyway…The Debt is about Jews and Nazis.

Go figure...

Not my fucking fault, HONEY!!

TREE OF LIFE - Aka...Daddy's Wet Dream sticky icon

Considering the Aka (above), and wondering how King Hippo would go about summarizing this movie…I am sure 'The King' would try to make some tie-in to this movie and what he considers the greatest rock and roll band of all-time…Black Oak Arkansas.

Where a normal person might see The Tree of Rock and Roll spreading its roots from the beginnings of Gospel and Blues, Elvis and The Beatles…King Hippo’s source that he relates everything relevant - comes back to, what else, the God forsaken 1970s and BOA led by the raspy voice and on-stage histrionics of vocalist Jim ‘Dandy’ Mangrum.

Luckily for you…Old Dan Cedar saw this movie and is reviewing this film. Specifically, because Tree Of Life DOESN’T include any reference material to early 20th century comic books, banal ‘action’, Stax Records and/or 1970s Southern Rock…it slipped under the King Hippo Radar.

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