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January 2012

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - Aka ..The Sound of Music II sticky icon

Ever wonder what happened to the von Trapp clan after they fled Austria and the Nazis? Apparently, they ended up in Sweden and not Switzerland after the war. And a more dysfunctional family they could not be... As the story reveals, a couple of the kids became Nazis, others businessmen, others lushes, and as the sordid story unfolds, a couple became sociopaths.

Which I find quite intoxicating for the male, but, oh, so shameful for the fairer sex.

The first of a trilogy by Swedish novelist Stieg Larsson originally titled Men Who Hate Women. Ironically enough, a close title of Dan Cedar's autobiography, Pussy Whipped Asshole Who Can't Live Without Women. And, to save the aforementioned Editor time and brain cells, King Hippo's autobiography, Men Who Hate Women, Men, AND Children – except for Helen Keller.

THE GUARD - Aka...Why We Watch sticky icon

YOU remember IT don’t you? Or maybe it was several ITS.

That moment or moments that made you realize that YOU were different. YOU weren’t the same as the rest of the dullards and dimwits that just didn’t get IT.

For your humble reviewer Old Dan Cedar there were several transformational moments. The first was January 6, 1947, while distracted from a meandering speech by Harry S. Truman blaring over my father’s Zenith 8H034 radio in my hometown of Mianus, Connecticut…I reached down and happily Christopher Columbused my little pecker…dreaming of my future as a Thomas Dewey Republican.

For King Hippo, my lifelong nemesis and future writing collaborator…it was June 2, 1982 when he realized that his chud-like facial appearance could be easily overcome with a $5 bill clumsily thrust in the spooge encrusted thong of a topless “dancer” wearing copious amounts of Chanel No.5, named “Star”, at Heartbreaker’s Gentlemen’s Club in Dickinson, Texas. With no extra charge for the cottage cheese mud flaps. And The King dreamt of a life-long romance.


(New York City) - In a stunning reversal of its decades long policy of publishing liberal propaganda, the New York Times announced to a hushed crowd of tens of people that it will begin to actually publish factual information in its hallowed columns, said long time publisher Arthur Ochs "Pinch" Sulzberger.

Queried as to the radical change in philosophy, Sulzberger muttered some incoherent shit about the Times' declining sales and readership and thus, needing to rethink its survival "the good old fashioned way," - with Tam O' Shanter capped ragamuffins patrolling every street corner screaming at the top of their lungs, "Extry! Extry! Read all about it!"

At this writing, Sulzberger was also mulling over an idea to send reporters out into the community "Jimmy Olsen" style to actually fete out news stories instead of kicking back in a high rise cubicle with their eyes glued to a computer screen scanning TMZ, YouTube, MSNBC, The Daily Kos, and NAMBLA affiliated porn sites for their up-to-the-minute headlines.

Sulzberger went on, "this is a conscious effort to return The Times to its conservative, Republican roots of its founders, Henry Jarvis Raymond and George Jones. In fact, The Times is ready to endorse Donald Trump if he re-enters the presidential race as a Whig."

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY - Aka…Cine de Walmart sticky icon

This particular AMC 30 that had I vowed to never attend again - got my business because I was hamstrung by my limited choices for Tinker. Even tho there seemed a dearth of republicans in the vast gigaplex - I was able to find a white flight suburb within the walls of this, here british import-redux of John le Carré’s 1974 cold war, spy novel.

And I, for the first time since sitting through 2010’s The King’s Speech, felt like a mere pup amongst my fellow interested patrons…most born prior to Winston Churchill.

But let me tell you…the walk in from the parking lot was an adventure. While confidently packing my newly purchased 9mm Glock…I was only slightly fazed by the multiple offers to sell me crack cocaine, tamales and the monetary solicitations from the homeless loitering en masse in front of the AMC.

As I entered the AMC Cine de Walmart Treinta-Plex, my nasal passages were infiltrated with the aroma of cornbread and collard green farts wafting in the air.

MONEYBALL – Aka…Frank Costanza’s Stop-Short Move sticky icon

So, there’s this little trick that the Impossible Moviewriter’s Federation (IMF) doesn’t think we, the Impossible Moviewatcher’s Federation (IMF), are aware of…

The Mission IS NOT Impossible…it would NOT make for a good ending.

THEY just think that WE are Little Johnny Fuckfaces that don’t know any better.

So…Uncle Old Dan Cedar is going to give you a little IMF learning…just sit down on my new leather couch…be careful not to shard yourself. Didn't Scotch Guard her yet.

When watching a movie…the audience hopes the mission LOOKS impossible…but is actually only implausible. That would be the case in the case of a movie or series like, say…Mission Impossible.


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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.