You are hereMonthly archive / May 2012

May 2012


Pikeville, KY - On the heels of his toy Pomeranian being thrown into his neighbor's wood chipper, Anderson Hatfield IV exclaimed, "IT IS SO…ON!" Speaking publicly since the grisly occurrence, Hatfield pointed across the fence to his longtime neighbor, Randolph McCoy IV, who was diligently weeding his prized rose flowerbed, and muttered several obscenities in his direction. "I've had it up to here!" said Hatfield.

Spanx To Market New Product This Fall sticky icon

Atlanta GA - On the heels of the recent Time Magazine 100 Most Influential People Awards Dinner, Spanx founder Sara Blakely held a press conference to announce the addition of a new and innovative compression garment to complement her renown blockbusters Spanx and more recently, Assets. Her products have been seen on the Oprah Winfrey show and her story is a modern day American rags to riches saga, drawing raves from women and fat transvestites alike. Blakely stated that until the fateful meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the awards dinner, she had no idea such a product was economically feasible. But after a discrete physical exam of the former first lady in one of the private unisex disabled persons bathrooms, Blakely has announced the forthcoming release of Spanxles.


College Station, TX - Grand Saline resident Otis Terhune was dragged from his truck and savagely beaten by an unruly mob of Aggie students following an extra inning baseball game loss to lowly division III whipping boy LeTourneau University. Apparently, Terhune was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had just returned to his pick up as the hooligans exited the baseball stadium. Upon seeing the 'Commerce' sticker on his rear window, someone yelled out, "Get that fuckin' wannabe!" After the mob's bloodthirst was sated, they then proceeded to upend his truck and set it afire.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS - Aka...The Evil Dead III ( This is after the Evil Dead 2 but before Army Of Darkness...kinda like the meal between breakfast and brunch) sticky icon

The only reason I went to see this movie was all of the positive "buzz" I was hearing in the media, and not just from the "critics" but also from Joe Lunchpail. I also read where this movie is the redefining of the horror genre. REALLY? All this "movie" is is a conglomeration of every horror archetype ever created. There is NOTHING original or clever about this movie. It just happens to move seamlessly from the Evil Dead to Resident Evil to Halloween to Thir13en Ghosts. It can't even escape the Scream movies by involving people other than college teenagers. There's the jock, there's the stoner, there's the virgin, there's the slut, and there's the tortured soul.

Oooooh, so original! I had even money on The Breakfast Club breaking out.

THE HUNGER GAMES - Aka...Obama's America sticky icon

I had my doubts after the first 15 minutes of this flick...I let out a mental groan as I girded myself for another Running Man or Death Race 2000...or Death Race...or Death Race 2. Whatever the sequel may be, I was ready to let out a King Hippo roar if Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or David Carradine entered stage right. Thankfully, the theater crowd got a reprieve and was deprived of a pissed off King Hippo grunt and subsequent grass brick turd launch. On the minus side, I still had to put up with uber-lib Donald Sutherland as the president of Panem, the post-apocalyptic world that used to be the United States.

A Historical First: Someone Is Told To Push Head Into Ass sticky icon

WASHINGTON - On Tuesday, behind closed doors, President Barack Obama, in so many words, told Vice President Biden to kindly insert his head back into his own rectum, bringing to an end the centuries long, unbroken record string of the phrase "pull your head out of your ass" that began when Gandalf the White castigated Lord Denethor, the last steward of Gondor, about taking action to stem the rising threat of Mordor and its allies.

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.