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July 2012


DARK KNIGHT RISES – Aka…Gimp Goes Gotham sticky icon

Ya know, with all of the crap that has been spewed out by Hollywood and its plethora of Boy-Toy, Com-Con, infatuated, Superheroes. It is not merely having felt conned with the snake oil that has been peddled by the movie industry for the past dozen years. 3D effects, 3 hour “films”, or just bad actors.

Shitty actors escape you? Shitty movies escape you?

Here ya go: Ben Affleck in Daredevil, Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider, Halle Berry in Catwoman, Jennifer Garner in Elektra, Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four, Eric Bana in Hulk. Mind you, all of these movies have rectumfied this nation in the dozen years since this millennium began. Ugghh!!

Now, I could go on, but as Shakespeare said, Brevity is the soul of wit”, and although I never thought Will was all that witty, or for that matter brief, I will get on with it.

BARNEY FRANK TO CUT HONEYMOON SHORT - VOWS TO IMPLEMENT ALTERNATIVE TO BOY SCOUTS sticky icon

Cape Cod, MA - Longtime Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank pulled the plug on husband Jim Ready during their honeymoon this past week upon hearing that the Boy Scouts of America's board of directors reaffirmed that the private organization will continue to ban gays, atheists and agnostics from its ranks. Frank flew into a hissy fit as he and Ready lounged at the ritzy Wequassett Resort pool, hungrily eyeing the under aged cabana boys carrying trays of food that wafted past his ample nose.

"This is an outwage!" exclaimed blushing bride Frank. "I will not west until this matter has been wectified! This countwy has come much too faw to tolewate these widicuwous, awchaic, and wepwessive views of the homosexual community!" Frank continued,"As soon as me and my husband get back to D.C., I will be chaiwing a committee that will submit wequisitions fwom the TAWP fund to subsidize a nationwide homosexual boys weadewship twaining gwoup, simiwah to the Boy Scouts of Amewica, AKA the Bwown Shiwts of Amewica."

ROMNEY WAKES UP sticky icon

(Bowling Green – Ohio) Today, in a stunning political pivot, Mitt Romney made the political calculation that boring the American public into a coma prior to the upcoming presidential election was not a winning formula. Romney, sporting a Kenny Chesney-inspired sleeveless shirt and white Cowboy hat, not only appeared different, but had some polar-opposite ideas than he had previously shared.

Backed by a new campaign theme song, Subdivisions, by Canadian prog-rock icons, Rush, Romney appeared to be infused with a personality, leading the crowd in a ‘Yes We Canada’, ‘Yes We Canada’ chant. The puzzled, but malleable crowd slowly picked up the chant for the next 18 minutes with Romney waving his arms like a conductor.

Finally, when the crowd had been worked into a cult-like frenzy, Romney took off his Stetson and quieted the throngs as the volume of 'Subdivisions' was brought down. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee began his remarks. “Some people say that we are a closed-minded people. Some people would be wrong.”

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – Aka…Grease Is The Word sticky icon

Differences between this movie and the “original” with Tobey Whatzhisface from 2002 are fairly elusive. Kind of like the differences between Grease and Grease II.

Grease and Grease II differences: Grease was a hit. Grease II was a flop. The similarities ended with the fact that both movies starred fine pieces of tail in Olivia Newton-John and Michelle Pfeiffer – fitting the FPOT roles. The differences were that ONJ could sing (and the movie had a great score) and MP was the bad girl side and the sexiest gum smacker known to Old Dan Cedar.

I recall some male stars in each movie, but I don’t recall them adding up to much of anything afterwards. Although, I think Ms. Newton-John’s co-star did go on to some under-appreciated classic films like Wild Hogs, Face/Off, Look Who’s Talking and Look Who’s Talking Too.

Don’t recall his name, but I believe he is a good man that tithes regularly to his church.

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In The News

PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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