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August 2012


SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS PLEAD WITH OBAMA CAMPAIGN sticky icon

(Akron, OH) Longtime deli owner, Debbie Doody, of Knishes & Kneidls implored President Obama not to campaign on her doorstep during the highly contested election of 2012. "I can't afford to go out of business with three daughters currently in college," said a nervous Doody.

When asked to elaborate, she continued, "My friend, Dick Lanky, of Toledo, went out of business within days of President Obama using his restaurant, H & L Brock, as a stump stop. No offense to President Obama, but look what happened to Olympia Cafe in Lorain after he made a campaign stop there during the 2008 primary. That place went out of business within months of his appearance. No more cheeseburgers for this Doody.

AMERICAN OLYMPIANS STRIPPED OF MEDALS UPON RETURN TO U.S. sticky icon

(Baltimore MD) Chaos and mayhem ensued as the American medal winners of the 2012 games started trickling back into the United States on Monday. Across the country, at every major airport, throngs of Occupy Wall Street lunatics met Olympic medalists at arrival gates, assaulting them, and making off with their gold, silver and bronze medals. Chants of "you didn't earn this!" punctuated the ramparts as stunned air travelers looked on in horror.

At Thurgood Marshall International (TMI) in Baltimore, TSA spokesman Dick Scrote was asked why security wasn't imposed and the local police called. "Well," replied Scrote, "I was about to jump into the fray when President Obama emerged from the crowd with Michael Phelps in a headlock!" Scrote continued, "as I tried to separate the mob, Obama told me to 'stand down…CRACKER', in that stilted, halting speech of his, which is impossible not to recognize. And, where I come from, when The President of the United States tells you to 'stand down,' by god...you 'stand down!'"

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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