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October 2012


SINISTER....Aka - Now I Remember Why I Love 8mm Snuff Films sticky icon

Well, I have to admit that the previews were ten times scarier than the actual movie. However, that doesn't completely void the movie's appeal. Instead of being a complete horror fest, the movie takes a more subtle path, albeit with mass family murders as the backdrop. So even though it was filled with the usual clichés, there were enough unexpected twists to keep it interesting. Especially the "Lawn Work '86" reel.

Damn cheap ass mower blades! I have to re-sharpen them every time I hit a bump in the lawn!

Ethan Hawke plays "Daddy"- a true-crime novelist whose last big hit was years ago. Trying to rekindle the magic of his previous best seller, Hawke moves his family into a house where he plans to write his next novel. What he doesn't tell the family is that he moved them into a house in which the previous family was hung from a tree in the backyard, except that one of the children went missing afterwards. All of this to inspire his writing to greatness! Kind of like when Dan Cedar spends two weeks in gay bathhouses under the guise of "research."

ARGO – Aka…So, Apparently Bryan Cranston Didn’t Have Cancer And Wasn’t Selling Meth sticky icon

First of all, I would like to apologize for my lack of reviews over the past couple of months. Your good friend, Old Dan Cedar, has been under intense radiation and chemotherapy to treat what was once thought of as a benign, irrelevant anal polyp and had turned into to a malignant pain in my ass. I strongly considered following the Breaking Bad formula for success, but dismissed it…considering that I am basically a pussy and don’t care if I die.

Luckily, I was able to hire a Shapiro to have this Kardashian-obsessed polyp extricated from my anal cavity.

MOONRISE KINGDOM - Aka...Romeo and Juliet Meets Lake Wobegon sticky icon

Knowing that this was a Wes Anderson flick, I was prepared for the quirky, the funny, and mundane. I was not disappointed. An ensemble cast resembling that perfect MLB playoff team of rookies, stars and seasoned veterans. All we are missing were the hot scantily clad cheerleaders on the sidelines...what's that? There are no cheerleaders in professional baseball? Well, fuck! When did they get rid of them?!?! Maybe, I should spend more time listening to Garrison Keillor gloriously recite Shakespeare.

Oh well, teen-aged actress Kara Hayward more than makes up for that. Her perfect mix of angst, rebellion, and sensuality reminds me of Dan Cedar's junior high days. When, after attending the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, he started each new school year in full makeup and female drag, only to gimp home after the first day with a black eye, bloody lip, torn dress, and sideways wig, carrying his patent leather pumps with the heels broken off; muttering, "How did they know?" Could it be that when each teacher took roll and called out "Dan Cedar," the ugliest 'girl' in the class raised her hand and that deep masculine voice, said, "Here!"

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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