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December 2012

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON - Aka...Woody Woodpecker Meets Porky Pig sticky icon

"Charming!" "Radiant!" "Delightful!" "Splendid!" I can hear the comments from the genteel among you. In fact, this movie is nothing more than a sordid expose of the shameless philandering of none other than the second favorite Democrat among the lib lapdogs in America - Franklin Delano ‘Woody’ Roosevelt.

The movie is basically a slice in time during the weekend in 1939 that King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth ‘The Queen Mother’, journeyed to America to ask for help with the impending invasion by Nazi Germany. Yes, this movie is the perfect interlude between 2010's The King's Speech and 2011's W.E. All three portray ‘Bertie’ (George VI) at different stages in his life. Yeah, I know, EVERYBODY has a fucking nickname. It’s like a fucking baseball team…this fucking movie.

Here’s a cheat sheet:

George VI – ‘Bertie’ (Not to be confused with Edward VII (his father, who was also called Bertie). Also, called 'Porky' (Due to his meandering, stammering attempts to conquer even the most modest sentence.)

Elizabeth – ‘The Queen Mum’ (Not to be confused with her daughter Elizabeth II).

FDR – ‘Woody’ (Not to be confused with an erect, post-polio penis or son of a hit man actor or the screwball, pestering, Woodpecker 'laugh' which FDR has acquired while incessantly trying to ignore the dust bowl, the great depression and the impending World War).

Eleanor Roosevelt – ‘First Lesbo’ - First Lesbian First Lady and cousin to FDR – (Not to be confused with Hilary ‘Lesbo’ Rodham). The ‘Second Lesbo’ First Lady.

Margaret Stuckley – ‘Daisy’ – FDR’s mistress that this movie is based upon who was also a cousin of FDR. Not to be confused with another of FDR’s mistresses… Lucy, ‘FDR’s Secretary’ Mercer. Lucy was apparently the only ‘non-cousin’ that FDR banged behind the First Lesbo’s back.

THE HOBBIT - Aka…We Don't Need No Steenking Guns To Kill Orcs And Goblins sticky icon

Gollum's Daily Dork Riddle: Who does Dan Cedar most resemble?

A) An Orc B) A Goblin C) A Troll D) A Dwarf

So, a slimmed down Peter Jackson decided to take on the Herculean task of a new Middle Earth trilogy...mmm Hobbit stew.

I have to admit, King Hippo being the closet nerd and all that entails, that he was/is, excited to hear that there would be a new series of Hobbit movies, being that the original trilogy is the best film making in history...and also being that this the only type of movie Jackson is good at...mmm dangling prepositions.

I wasn't holding my breath, however, being that I didn't see how he was going to stretch the original Hobbit novel into nine hours of edge-of-the-seat drama. And a royal "Fuck You, Motherfucker" to any of you douchebags that fell asleep during any of the previous three movies. Of course, this would entail much artistic license with respect to the original story. But Jackson being of the jackalope ingesting aboriginal sort, was definitely up to the job.

LOOPER – Aka…Why Rotten Tomatoes, CNN and Hollywood ALL Suck sticky icon

Here’s the way that the majority of Looper movie reviews go on Rotten Tomatoes…ambitious film thriller takes us into a whole new dimension of time travel from third time director Rian Johnson…blah, blah, blah…Richard Roeper says and I fucking quote…

“Writer-director Rian Johnson establishes himself as an original talent who clearly believes storytelling must prevail”...check it out if you doubt Old Dan Cedar’s veracity.


The Rotten Tomatoes critic’s ranking is 94% with constant comparisons to the smart dialogue and clever storytelling of TheTerminator.

The miniscule naysayers say that it is just a rip-off of TheTerminator.

Hey kids, before we go giving James Cameron another blowjob for how great he is, let’s remember that Cameron had to secretly pay off Harlan Ellison, a sci-fi writing dwarf, that has managed to get himself married five times… who published a story called, “Soldier from Tomorrow” in the late 50s. And afterwards, Ellison’s name was miraculously added to the credits of TheTerminator.…in the “Thanks…Acknowledgement to the works of”…Category. Check it out on IMDb. You will find him just below “Extras Wrangler”.

CNN’s review headline… and I fucking quote,”'Looper': A smart but confusing thriller”


How is a movie ‘smart’, but confusing???

I will tell you how…either the reviewer is admitting that he was too stupid to ‘get it’ or he is smart, but somebody had to explain it to him afterwards. Which would make the movie…Anyone? Anyone?

CONFUSING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(Washington D.C.) On the same day that President Obama was named Time Magazine’s ‘2012 Human Person of the Year’, the president clearly had his mind on back to back wins for the upcoming year. The president took a bold new step at a news conference by calling on congress to act on new laws to curb gun violence and save innocent lives. The president, fresh from an Emmy winning performance at dabbing away ‘tears’ while reading the names of the innocent children massacred at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut only a few days earlier, said this “type of massacre will not happen again. Not on my watch.”

When asked for comment, Roger Hooverlimb, MD, said,“I don’t understand what is wrong with the media in this country. All of attention paid to this unquestionable act of violence on little children. Everyone knows the killer’s name, but I am ignored.” Dr. Hooverlimb runs an abortion clinic less than ten miles from Sandy Hook Elementary where the massacre took place. “Nobody knows my name. I mean, c’mon, twenty kids. That’s a half of a day’s work for me. By 1130am, I am scrubbed up, and headed out to do some last minute Christmas shopping over my lunch break.”


San Francisco, CA - The San Francisco Police Department and city paramedics were dispatched after a 911 call from the National Organization of Women headquarters on Friday during a normally quiet time of the year. Three arrests were made and one person was transported to San Francisco General Hospital. Three people were treated and released by paramedics for minor injuries. Early indications show that the melee broke out during the traditional white elephant gift exchange. Apparently, this year's theme was "Dildos".

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.