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January 2013


PRESIDENT OBAMA TREATED FOR MINOR INJURIES DURING BASKETBALL GAME sticky icon

Washington, DC - White house staff physician assistant Alicia Sphincton treated President Obama for facial abrasions and a split lip after his daily game of pick-up basketball held on the white house lawn court on Friday. Reports are that Sphincton dressed some minor scrapes on the president's forehead and bridge of nose as well as suturing his lower lip with two stitches. The medical treatment was done on site and no further procedures are expected. Sphincton was unavailable for comment, but White House Spokesanus Jay Carney fielded questions about the incident.

ZERO DARK THIRTY – Aka…Bigelow Busts Inaugural Balls sticky icon

For those faithful lambs that follow Old Dan Cedar like King Hippo shadows an Ice Cream Truck…slowly and deliberately through the suburban towns of America in a white Pedo van, you are probably already aware that your humble reviewer has previously declared Stevie Spielberg’s Lincoln as the Best Moving Picture of 2012.

Looks like, I’m gonna have to pull Keith Jackson out of retirement and give y’all a big, “Whoa, Nellie!!”

Don’t get me wrong…Stevie and his little homage to the greatest president of all time WILL come away with the golden statuettes in late February, but as Ed Murphy said, “There’s a new sheriff in town”.

It just ain’t Reggie Hammond.

This new Sheriff is one Jessica Chastain. She plays a CIA operative (Maya) that is obsessed with tracking down a 6’4” singular hunk of shit. One Osama Bin Laden. She’s a woman with a badge and she’s every swinging dick’s worst nightmare. As a bonus, she makes Old Dan Cedar’s teeny weanie hard when the wind blows. And I’ve NEVER been to prison.

CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT RETIRES GERMAN SHEPHERDS sticky icon

Chicago, IL - During a fun filled CPD (Chicago Police Department) annual employees’ picnic, sponsored by Shipley’s, police Chief Clancy Wiggum Jr. announced that the entire squad of canine patrol dogs will be retired. The officers assigned to canine patrol will have first dibs on their individual dogs and if any go unclaimed, the remainder will be retrained as service animals for the deaf, dumb, and/or blind.

THIRD IMMIGRANT KILLED AFTER BEING PUSHED IN FRONT OF ONCOMING SUBWAY TRAIN sticky icon

Gotham City - Fresh on the heels of the death of an Indian immigrant at the 40th Street subway station, Scottish immigrant Hamish MacNoonan died after sustaining injuries from being pushed off the 63rd Street subway platform into the path of an oncoming commuter train.

United States senator Robert "Bob" Menendez has been detained for questioning. Menendez has also been alleged to have stiffed prostitutes while vacationing in the Dominican Republic, agreeing to pay $500 for services rendered, then ultimately paying them only $100. Prior to the allegations, Menendez had been in line to take over as CIA director before President Obama's trip to Colombia in April of 2012.

Although not proven, Bob Menendez could possibly be a distant cousin of Lyle and Erik Menendez, infamous for the murders of their parents in 1987 and currently serving life sentences in prison.

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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