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July 2013


20 FEET FROM STARDOM – Aka…The Help 2 sticky icon

Given the fact that your humble reviewer, Old Dan Cedar, loves Rock and Roll, Gospel, Rhythm and Blues, but mostly 80's British fag synth pop…and is always ready for a well done story that explores something that I find magical - In this case, the greatness of background singers in The Rock and Roll Music - Old Dan always, well, almost always, loves The Documentary Movie Style. The problem is…where ‘Seinfeld’ was ‘a story about nothing’ that worked. ‘20 Feet From Stardom’ has all of the ingredients to make a ‘story about something’ work.

It, instead, becomes a story about too much shit…that doesn’t work.

The Rock and Roll Music is one of the three things in this world that keeps Old Dan from ‘borrowing’ one of King Hippo’s massive arsenal of handguns and setting Hippo up as the fall guy…with Hippo citing my over-editing of his ‘works of art’ movie reviews. Thus relieving the world of any chance that Hippo will continue writing Sarcastic Movie Reviews after I am gone, and hopefully putting him in Shawshank for the rest of his glum life. This would also lift your humble reviewer to the status of The Edgar Allan Poe. What with, the dying somewhat young and depressed.

World War Z - Aka….Ok, Just So We're Clear... Some United Nations Moron Saves The World? AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! sticky icon

Now that I've got THAT out of my system, on to the movie. Spoiler Alert – As is de rigueur, the review of this movie, basically, amounts to any synopsis that you can find on IMDB, with three or four smart-ass comments. This is why I am King Hippo…King of the half-ass reviews.

OLD DAN CEDAR’S BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF 2012 sticky icon

Hey y’all…between my numerous, unsuccessful attempts at suicide by cops and the ample amount of time I spent hand crocheting my ailing, Catholic mother a Shroud of Turin quilt, time got away from my commitment to my true calling…separating the shit from pure grade apple butter that Hollywood perennially churns out these days. But, just so you don’t have to just go off what King Hippo has been clickety-clacking away on his typewriter, I do feel it my solemn duty to keep my faithful flock from wasting their free bit torrent downloads on movies that you can count on…so, you don’t have to waste your money, time or terabyte space on nothing but the best.

You may now proceed to read the channeled voices of my TV father growing up, the great Andy Griffith, who we lost this past year, and my current TV kindred spirit, Kentucky lawman Raylan Givens, played by the great Timothy Olyphant.

Enough of my yammering…start that familiar whistling in your empty head and let Sheriff Taylor and Deputy Givens give us their over-cussing takes on the best and worst picture shows of 2012.

OLD DAN CEDAR’S BEST MOVIES OF 2012

1. Zero Dark Thirty – Well, contrary to what King Hippo would have you think, it is not my undeniable neediness to stick it to Jessica Chastain in any and every orifice where the sun don’t shine. This is a purely, tense, action movie that kept Old Dan’s bowels aquiver for its entirety. You won’t hear any more clever use of metaphor-isms than that from Mr. Smarty Pants, Seth Macfarlane hosting the Academy Awards later on today. Hire Old Dan, then you’ll be a damn deal funnier, Mr. Family Guy, and won’t be out on your ass like that little smart ass James Franco, after he scoffed at my offer. Clocks ticking Seth, we’re about down to less than 12 hours and I gotta still iron my tux.

2. Lincoln – I don’t know who Daniel Day-Lewis had to bed on the casting couch to land this role, but I gotta tell you, I would have taken one in the caboose myself for this prime piece of meat. And if it meant getting to look at that prime piece of tail, Sally Field, for twelve hours a day…so much the better. Prime Meat and Prime Tail. Put some A1 sauce on it and you got yourself a bunch of them, there, gold statues. Pretty darn good President, Director, Story and Actors, don’t hurt much neither.

THE PURGE - Aka...The Urge sticky icon

So the King has decided to boycott sequels from now on. Therefore, you will no longer find reviews dealing with "paranormal activities," "star treks," "hangovers," or other such vile dreck anymore. With rare exception, there has never been a sequel that even matched the original, and I have now come to the realization that sequels are purely attempts to milk a successful movie until it is a dead horse. Being the animal lover that I am, I will no longer condone the meaningless deaths of innocent equines. Remember…Hippos are not the quickest witted creatures on earth, and I just read on Wikipedia that “Hippo” is ancient Greek for “horse”. To paraphrase the great Willie Nelson, I dedicate this review to all of the whores I’ve loved.

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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