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September 2013


Princeton, NJ - The finger pointing has already started as parent company Church & Dwight initiated the largest product recall in company history. Trojan brand president Jonathan Holmes Jr. stood red faced as he chaired a press conference on Monday. "We are extremely embarrassed by the recent turn of events regarding our new line of Bare Skin condoms which was launched in March with a full marketing blitz. We are apologizing to all consumers who bought and used our new product and take full medical responsibility for injuries which may have occurred. Furthermore, we will refund the purchase price of all the recalled product and will include a voucher for any of our, or similar competitor's product."

The chaos began when Bruce "Twink" Camelback arrived at San Francisco General Hospital with what appeared to be a bleeding anus. Completely ignoring HIPAA regulations, attending E.R. MD Jack Mehoff smirked that Camelback is a "frequent flyer", but it usually entails removed large inanimate objects from his rectum, not bleeding or tearing of the anus. "I once removed a Colt .44 can from the man’s ass with my fist, so there's no way in hell he's going to bleed unless an abrasive object was inserted into his anus. Ain’t the fella’s first rodeo…”

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.