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March 2014


ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME TO OPEN NEW WING sticky icon

(Cleveland, OH) - Today, a spokesperson for The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inc.announced that they will open a new arm to the museum in 2015 to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the museum. The newest wing will be dedicated to the proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases by members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Spokesperson Rod Thorn explained that “the new extension of the museum is a mix of The Holocaust Museum and Disneyworld’s Space Mountain. We want this exhibit to scare people straight about the consequences of treating their bodies like an amusement park, but to also have a carefree time with the family. We will also be handing out free condoms and allowing visitors to sign up for a free needle program. We are able to do this through the sponsorship of each section by corporations dedicated to educating fans of rock and roll.”

The thrill-ride roller coaster will begin at the top of ‘Sex Mountain’. It’s a slow ride to the pits of hell into the indiscriminate sexual forays of various inductees of the Hall.

Thorn continued, “The ‘Members Only’ sponsored section of the ‘STP STD Monsters of Rock Mountain’ unit will focus on the hard rock pioneers. We have already received promissory notes from Mr. Gene Simmons and Mr. Saul Hudson, aka Slash, to have their genitalia removed and donated to the museum upon their passing. And ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you from hand first knowledge that these gents are truly a spectacle to behold. Warts and all. And luckily for us, arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of Rock music, one Mr. Jimi Hendrix, had the forethought to have his purple headed soldier cryogenically frozen to preserve for one and all to experience post-mortem, as they did while he lived. We consider Mr. Hendrix’ yogurt slinger to be the crown jewel of our collection.”

OLD DAN CEDAR’S WORST AND BEST MOVIES OF 2013 sticky icon

All right...enough of my hemming and hawing. The Oscars are this weekend and it’s time to rectumfy the wheat from the chaff. I don’t want to get on a rant, but this was the year we lost the great King Hippo…and well, you know the way you latter day hippies feel about losing Philip Seymour Hoffman, well that’s the way I feel about losing the great King Hippo…and he wasn’t even a junkie! Of course…he dabbled.

2013 brought us some really great movies; some were rightly pointed out by the Academy Awards voters and some were overlooked. There might be a good reason for this, here “coincidental”. Most of the really good movies were released in the last tres leches of the year. I don’t know what the reasoning is, but it’s probably a damned conspiracy that will one day be examined with the vigor that we now try to assuage our anger with the over-redundant JFK assassination redux.

Not that I really mind that, I enjoy a plethora of nutbars trying to figure out the unfigurable.

Which brings me to Old Dan Cedar’s Worst Movies of 2013

It was a really good year for movies for the most part. But…when they were bad, they sucked giant horse cock. And not in a good way…like that Traci Lords did back in the 1980s.

1) Gravity – The worst movie of the year!! How this lighter than air, hunk of horse shit didn’t get released straight to DVD and actually got nominated for an Academy Fucking Award, is beyond the miniscule synapses firing off in Old Dan Cedar’s tiny little brain. I will only reel off a few of the problems with the movie.

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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