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AVATAR - Aka…. Tranquility Base, Here. The Hippies Have Landed!!

By King Hippo - Posted on 29 December 2009

As I watched and read recent articles interviewing James Cameron on his latest and greatest – Avatar, I couldn't help but admire this Canadian born, Cal State Fullerton dropout and megalomaniac director as he reminisced about his decades old, dream world of Pandora - and tireless effort bringing it to fruition as an adult - as the technology became available to put this epic to film.

He spoke of inventing the entire world and the twelve years he took to make the movie. Inventing it’s unique language and culture in his mind. The entire world was borne out of his love of sci-fi and his vivid, LSD-fueled imagination. I was in awe as I read the article explaining how his singular $300 million brainchild was finally brought to the big screen.

And to think in 2005 when the most expensive (1 million dollars) porno ever produced was released – Pirates XXX – it was almost completely ignored by CNN. The truth was only made clear during March sweeps when Larry King was fearless enough to air his week-long special interviewing the female “actresses”.

Give me a break!! James Cameron shits a million dollars after a four-course meal.

And where is Larry King now? Replaced by a brain-dead TMZ reporter – only saved from walking the streets of Hollywood by a chance-encounter with her producer’s designer sofa.

Why should the headless skirt interviewing Cameron check the credibility of ANYTHING he says? She was probably so excited to get this gig; she had smegma running down her leg from her mange encrusted snatch.

Let's get something straight here. Cameron DID NOT invent MOBY DICK - in this movie, contrary to what his blowhole is spouting.

But let's get more specific.

1. The story: Humans invade an alien planet looking to plunder its vast stores of Unobtanium buried in various parts of the planet/moon Pandora. Of course, the mining is being funded by a corporation whose only goal is GREED. (Hmm, sounds like Halliburton) The only problem is that the indigenous people - the Na’vi - stand in the corporation's way.

So, the paramilitary outfit that accompanied the corporation decides to open up a can of whoop ass and force the issue. (Hmm, sounds like Blackwater)

As is de rigueur for liberal propaganda, all corporations are money hungry, heartless, faceless entities whose only goal is to rape the natural resources available to it and, once exhausted, move on to the next pillaging project.

The military is populated by a bunch of mindless, soulless demons hell-bent on destruction and mayhem.


I guess no one has noticed how the US military has been castrated since Vietnam. Ahhh, and the Na’vi, the natives, pure as the wind driven snow. Unable to commit ANY crime against nature. (Hmm, sounds like fill-in-the-blank-of-your- favorite-North-American-Indian-Tribe). Yeah, I guess the big hearted libs never heard of the Mayans, or the Aborigines of New Guinea, or any current indigenous genocidal maniacs running most of Africa.

Oh, and you've always gotta have the team of "scientists" on hand with any exploration to a new frontier. And, how apt that the head scientist is none other than that ugly lib, Yale graduate skank Sigourney Weaver.

Of course, as you all know, '"scientists" are the most humble, intelligent, empathetic and caring humans ever known to man. They are completely apolitical and objective. Isn't it funny when a "scientist" breaks into a sealed tomb to pilage its contents, he/she's hailed for the education and knowledge it brings, but if anyone else does it, he's a scumbag grave robber or a ghoul?

Or in Dan Cedar's case, a necropheliac with a fetish for Extreme MILF Mummy Corpses, starring Marilyn Chambers.

But I digress. As we all know, it's the "scientists" who always throw a spanner into the gears of progress and "save the day."

Kevin Costner ALREADY BEAT YOU TO THIS IDEA - IT'S CALLED Dances with Wolves!! NOT Dances with ET !!!

2. The movie's design - I can reference every single flora, fauna, and topography to either various artists, designers, or to nature itself. THERE IS NOTHING ORIGINAL TO THE VISUALS OF THIS MOVIE.

Has anyone ever heard of Roger Dean? J. Allen St. John? Frank Frazetta? Alan Aldridge? Edgar Rice Burroughs? Al Williamson? William Stout? Alphonse Mucha?

How about the flora of Pandora? You could transfer soft corals, feather dusters, and anemones from the ocean, make them bigger and transplant them to land. Voila!! Instant "unique" terrestrial foliage. How about the Na’vi themselves? EVER HEARD OF SEA MONKEYS?

No, not brine shrimp, Opie.

Those stupid comic book ads from the 60's and 70's which convinced every nitwit kid that for $1.99 you could get a family of bipedal, web footed, smiling humanoid sea creatures delivered straight to your mailbox.

Just substitute smooth blue skin for the scales and long black hair for the dorsal fins and there you have it - instant Na’vi. Just add water, a packet of "secret" powder, and feed frequently with baker's yeast...If we could just get Butters to dump a load in the aquarium, we could really up the IQ level, too. And if you don’t get the South Park reference, I am afraid that we can’t be best-friends, Cletus!!

3. The Na’vi’s unique language – OK…YOU can give Cameron credit here.

But it sure as hell sounds like Navajo or Hopi to ME.

Now, with this diatribe behind us, you're going to ask how this reactionary, de-evolutionary douche bucket reviewer can give this movie 5 NayBobs?!

Answer: Because I am King Hippo and you are not! If I spent a dozen years writing each review – maybe I could make a masterpiece, too.

Maybe not!

Some of you Pudwhackers might say, "This movie collapses in the last 45 minutes under the weight of its overwrought CGI, mind-numbing visuals and protracted flying and battle scenes."

But that would be Old Dan Cedar - whose definition of protracted equates to the wasted time spent ensuring that his sexual partner for the day also has an orgasm.

As for King Hippo - Your asexual host: Politics aside, I loved this movie.

I'm just not going to allow you jerk offs to think that James Cameron is some kind of Renaissance Man. A Renaissance Hack maybe...A kindred spirit to one, King Hippo.

I am King Hippo of the World!!!

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