By Ian Specter - Posted on 29 July 2012

Cape Cod, MA - Longtime Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank pulled the plug on husband Jim Ready during their honeymoon this past week upon hearing that the Boy Scouts of America's board of directors reaffirmed that the private organization will continue to ban gays, atheists and agnostics from its ranks. Frank flew into a hissy fit as he and Ready lounged at the ritzy Wequassett Resort pool, hungrily eyeing the under aged cabana boys carrying trays of food that wafted past his ample nose.

"This is an outwage!" exclaimed blushing bride Frank. "I will not west until this matter has been wectified! This countwy has come much too faw to tolewate these widicuwous, awchaic, and wepwessive views of the homosexual community!" Frank continued,"As soon as me and my husband get back to D.C., I will be chaiwing a committee that will submit wequisitions fwom the TAWP fund to subsidize a nationwide homosexual boys weadewship twaining gwoup, simiwah to the Boy Scouts of Amewica, AKA the Bwown Shiwts of Amewica."

Frank was asked if he had a name that would accurately describe the new organization. "I've given that a lot of thought. So faw, I've been muwwing over sevewal potentials. 'The Wump Wangers of Amewica' is a contender, as is 'The Hewshey Highway Patwol.' I've also considewed 'The Toy Scouts of Amewica' but I've been infowmed by NAMBLA that they have twademawked that title alweady. I've eliminated 'The Cowon Cowboys of Amewica' because it sounds a little too wegional. I must give my husband, Jim, cwedit for his suggestion, 'The Bwown Eye Bwigade.'" Frank went on, "We musn’t digwess, the title is iwwewevant. This countwy needs an owganization that will nuture the welationship between young homosexual boys and adult male homosexual weaders and not be excwusionawy like those homophobes in the Boy Scouts!"

Frank was asked if his idea wasn't tantamount to laying a loaded crack pipe in front of a recovering addict and telling him to guard it while you do some errands. "What is with you people?" Frank snarled, "just because you awe a homosexual does not automatically make you a pedophiwah".

The interview was interrupted when Frank tossed a 20 dollar tip at the feet of one of the cabana boys while his husband Jim clicked some snapshots on his iPhone as the boy bent over to pick it up. In pure Dickensian fashion, Frank queried, “Now, boy! Do you know that Chicken pwace down the road?”

“Si”, the boy responded.

“And what day is it?” It’s Saturday still, Not Sunday?”

“Si, Senor Frank.”

Frank said, “Exewent. What a fabuwous cabana boy. I will give you another 20 dowars, if you will bwing me back six fwied chicken sandwiches, four pounds of nuggets and twelve extwa big orders of waffle fwies. And anothew 20 dowars if you bring it all back in 5 minutes.”

Five minutes later, the two blushing brides were chowing down on a king-sized meal made for two queens.

After binging himself for 90 minutes and handfeeding at least 40 nuggets to his blushing bride, Frank said, “I’m wefweshed and weady to take on the wight-winged, gun-toting, tea party wadicals that do nothing, but hold gwudges and keep mentawy torturwing young men with the antiquitated ideas of what is normal. We must stand by ouw pwinciples, even if it fails to satisfy our own desiwes.”

“But fiwst things fiwst. Cue the D.J.”

With that, a group of cabana boys wearing neon yellow midriffs with plunging necklines, and sporting purple, low-rise spandex hot pants conducted a perfectly choreographed dance to It’s Raining Men.

In a related story, Warner Brothers Studios has decided to ramp up its cartoon department once again with retro-style 40's animation and more adult humor. Frank ended the night by claiming to anyone within earshot that he will ask the American public to boycott the studio if he is not offered the voice-over job for the character Elmer Fudd.

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