NEW YORK TIMES TO START PUBLISHING REAL NEWS INSTEAD OF LEFTIST HORSESHIT

(New York City) - In a stunning reversal of its decades long policy of publishing liberal propaganda, the New York Times announced to a hushed crowd of tens of people that it will begin to actually publish factual information in its hallowed columns, said long time publisher Arthur Ochs "Pinch" Sulzberger.

Queried as to the radical change in philosophy, Sulzberger muttered some incoherent shit about the Times' declining sales and readership and thus, needing to rethink its survival "the good old fashioned way," - with Tam O' Shanter capped ragamuffins patrolling every street corner screaming at the top of their lungs, "Extry! Extry! Read all about it!"


At this writing, Sulzberger was also mulling over an idea to send reporters out into the community "Jimmy Olsen" style to actually fete out news stories instead of kicking back in a high rise cubicle with their eyes glued to a computer screen scanning TMZ, YouTube, MSNBC, The Daily Kos, and NAMBLA affiliated porn sites for their up-to-the-minute headlines.


Sulzberger went on, "this is a conscious effort to return The Times to its conservative, Republican roots of its founders, Henry Jarvis Raymond and George Jones. In fact, The Times is ready to endorse Donald Trump if he re-enters the presidential race as a Whig."


Currently, "All the News That's Fit to Print" is organized into sections: News (one page), Business (two pages), Sports (four pages), Arts (four pages), Style (three pages), Home (one page), Features (two pages), Business (four pages), Science (two pages), and Opinions (ninety eight pages).


"Obviously, there would be a restructure of the current layout of the paper, meaning that the Opinions section would be cut down to 4 pages."

Sulzberger was asked if that would mean that many of its Opinion columnists would have to find new jobs? "Well, that's a given - but I hear that the Flat Earth Society newsletter is interested in hiring Paul Krugman and Thomas Friedman once the ax hits the chopping block." "I also hear that Louis Farrakhan's Nation Of Islam newsletter is interested in Leonard Pitts and The National Women's Liberation website may be a perfect fit for Maureen Dowd."


New York Post publisher Rupert Murdoch was asked if this change in editorial policy would steal advertising dollars spent in The Post. "I'm not too worried about that - I mean, if Macy's or Bloomingdale's wants to waste its advertising budget juxtaposing their ads with ads hawking pointed tinfoil hats, 911 conspiracy books, and Sasquatch bear traps, then go ahead and make a mockery of your legitimate businesses!
The Post will take the high road and continue to wiretap phones, and accept ad copy for gentlemen's clubs, outcall escort services and quasi-legal Asian massage parlors."


Sarcastic Movie Reviews editor, Ian Specter, weighed in with, “Our website has committed itself to serving the highest American values of decency and hyperbole. And if given half a chance, we would happily give Maureen Dowd an egghead facial. And pause for her witty retort.”