THE PURGE - Aka...The Urge

So the King has decided to boycott sequels from now on. Therefore, you will no longer find reviews dealing with "paranormal activities," "star treks," "hangovers," or other such vile dreck anymore. With rare exception, there has never been a sequel that even matched the original, and I have now come to the realization that sequels are purely attempts to milk a successful movie until it is a dead horse. Being the animal lover that I am, I will no longer condone the meaningless deaths of innocent equines. Remember…Hippos are not the quickest witted creatures on earth, and I just read on Wikipedia that “Hippo” is ancient Greek for “horse”. To paraphrase the great Willie Nelson, I dedicate this review to all of the whores I’ve loved.

I wasn't as enthralled with this movie, as most of the "critics” proclaimed it such an "intelligent thriller." Is this because the antagonist is "polite”? Is it because the movie is based in a suburban neighborhood and not the inner city? No. It is because a cracker family gives sanctuary to a "brother" and isn't trying to lynch him - unlike the rest of the neighborhood. So the era of the politically correct horror movie begins...

The year is 2022, no doubt Barack Obama's fourth term, after he overturned - by executive decree - the term limits statutes for presidents à la his crippled Mentoring Marxist president for life, Franklin Delano. And, as is par for quasi communist/socialist governments, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and the middle class joins the ranks of the poor. And, as a result, crime increases and tensions rise. And, a bright idea is born - why not designate one 12 hour period – once a year - when all crime is legal, except, of course, for the ruling elite, who are always exempt from all laws and rules passed by them? So, let the proletariat get rid of their pent up aggression, cull the weak and stupid, and decrease the human over-population.

Enter Ethan Hawke, father of the typical upper middle class American nuclear family. Here’s a clue…it ain’t Ozzie and Harriet.

The catch is that he's made his upper middle class living off of selling other similar families' "lock down" security systems for their homes used mainly for this one day of the year. And neighbors, being the non-grudge holding, accommodating, and helpful folk they are, take notice when Hawke adds a huge addition to his house - from bonus money made selling security systems in his neighborhood. Fucking salesmen, always provoking others to "keep up with the Joneses." Or, in this case, the "Sandins."- Or, in my case, the "Cedars."

Anyway, on the fateful night, the Sandin residence is breached by nothing more than a group of teenage preppies, a redneck pickup and a quarter inch chain. Wow. King Hippo’s third cousin, Ariel Castro, of Cleveland, OH, fortified his house better than that with nothing more than half inch Home Depot plywood and flea market bookcases. Jeez, I'd be asking for a refund after THAT cluster fuck. I have fifth hand knowledge that Wal-Mart, indeed, did not even ATTEMPT to post bail for Ariel. And believe it or not, I would help, Cousin Ariel…but The King is a little short this month.

Anyway, King Hippo has just finished soundproofing and fortifying his SIX chamber basement at great expense. Thank you Lowe’s for my zero percent for 24 months, line of credit.

AND, THE KING…has TWO, LOVING offspring on the way.

Thanks to the nubile, twenty-somethings of chambers 2 and 5.

Top that, Cedar, you yuppie pussy.

See you in 2022!!

I would suggest buying your guns NOW…

Three Naybobs

King Hippo