20 FEET FROM STARDOM – Aka…The Help 2

Given the fact that your humble reviewer, Old Dan Cedar, loves Rock and Roll, Gospel, Rhythm and Blues, but mostly 80's British fag synth pop…and is always ready for a well done story that explores something that I find magical - In this case, the greatness of background singers in The Rock and Roll Music - Old Dan always, well, almost always, loves The Documentary Movie Style. The problem is…where ‘Seinfeld’ was ‘a story about nothing’ that worked. ‘20 Feet From Stardom’ has all of the ingredients to make a ‘story about something’ work.

It, instead, becomes a story about too much shit…that doesn’t work.

The Rock and Roll Music is one of the three things in this world that keeps Old Dan from ‘borrowing’ one of King Hippo’s massive arsenal of handguns and setting Hippo up as the fall guy…with Hippo citing my over-editing of his ‘works of art’ movie reviews. Thus relieving the world of any chance that Hippo will continue writing Sarcastic Movie Reviews after I am gone, and hopefully putting him in Shawshank for the rest of his glum life. This would also lift your humble reviewer to the status of The Edgar Allan Poe. What with, the dying somewhat young and depressed.

Well, there is a damned good reason that Old Dan is depressed. It’s this godforsaken slapped together piece of shit of a movie. Now, when ’20 Feet From Stardom’ wins The Best Documentary Oscar next February, I don’t want to hear any of the ‘Dan Cedar doesn’t know what he is talking about’, nonsense. In fact, I predict it will win. Once again, Old Dan, is a 1 Per center. Rotten Tomatoes has this movie as 99 per cent loved by critics.

Now, why in the fuck would that be?

Sit down. Shut up. Quit talking to the computer screen and I will tell you why.

People love this movie, especially reviewers, because they know what all of us that are over 30 have, long ago, figured out. Today’s music sucks and this is a subtle way to tell this new generation of knuckleheads that just because some movie is in black and white or some music was made before they were born, doesn’t make it shitty. The problem with my generation is that they are well into ‘The Good Old Days’ mindset.

20 Feet From Stardom is only 90 minutes long. Good, right? Yeah, good if there is a point or two that we are getting from it. But, No!! Seventy minutes into the movie…I am squirming in my seat. Checking my phone for sports updates. Thinking of asking my date for a blow job. But, I can tell she is really enjoying the movie. If it wasn’t for the lack of on-screen scenery, Old Dan would have let Little Dan out of his cage and pulled off a happy ending. But Tina Turner is not on screen, shaking that fine piece of tail, long enough to give me a chance.

One minute this movie wants to be about black people not getting credit for starting rock and roll, then it wants to tell some stories about some backup singers and how they never got their due, then we have a bunch of white rock and rollers talking about how they couldn't have done it with all the backup singers. Then the backup singers lament about how they could have been, should have been, stars.

The music is wonderful…the great Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are here. I told you the music is great, but this, here, is supposed to be a fucking movie. It’s called a story arc.

Apparently all backup singers are black. But we see one, yes one, that is white and she gets an interview that is, ummm, I don’t know, about 14 seconds.

The rest are black. And you can ban Old Dan from any future jury pool, but they all pretty much look the same. No offense. And there are so many of them, that I can’t follow one coherent story.

Take that back.

The chick who sings back up for The Rolling Stones sticks out. And then, there is a kind of hot new chick, that looks like a black Asian or something… that is whining about how she isn’t a star. I say ‘she’…kind of has a tranny look to her. He/she is hot. But unless there is a new TV show called ‘Tranny’s Got Talent’, my guess is you never hear from her again. That is, if he/she doesn't pass my private talent interview. In that case, he/she will still have a backup job as my personal assistant - if you get my drift.

The movie has one thing absolutely right…any music made after 1989 absolutely sucks. That's right, groups like Soft Cell, ABC, Culture Club, Wham, Tears For Fears, Madness, A Flock Of Seagulls, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Erasure, Rick Astley, Duran Duran, ATF, Men At Work, Human League, Falco, Dexys Midnight Runners and The Fixx were the bomb. In fact, your humble reviewer just exploded in his trousers thinking about George Michael in his five o'clock shadow and tight Jordache jeans.

They attribute this to home studios and not using backup singers. I attribute it to not being able to play, write or sing music.

Oh, and The Rap Music, which has become all the rage. No mention of that in this, here, movie. Why? Because it’s NOT FUCKING MUSIC. It’s fucking talking, stealing other people’s rifts and has ZERO...anyone..anyone? ZERO Fucking Melody. Which, by definition means, it’s not fucking music.

But, what the fuck do I know…the audience that I watched this movie with burst out into applause as the credits and my eyes rolled.

Simpletons. Like the rest of you.

1 Naybob

Somewhat Young and Restless and Depressed
Dan Cedar