In The News


In a move in which his admirers are calling "gutsy" and his detractors "homophobic," decades long Marvel Comics’ patriarch Stan Lee announced the unveiling of the first gay-bashing super villain ever to appear in comics. Lee decided that counter measures were needed to take the steam out of DC Comics' decision to introduce the first gay superhero in comics history.

It was a calculated move meant to shift the focus from DC to Marvel. The gamesmanship was at a fever pitch as DC publisher Dan Didio and publisher emeritus Lee privately traded barbs in a heated phone conversation. Anonymous sources reported hearing phrases such as "queer lover" and "pig fucker" during the back and forth. One thing is clear, Adolph Horowitz Hitler aka The Heckler will hit the newsstands in early fall.

A more composed Lee stated at a press conference that the decision opened many new avenues in the Marvel Universe. He even hinted at a Marvel - DC crossover which has been done in the past to great financial success. "Can you imagine the possibilities? Say the Green Lantern is in his civilian Ru Paul outfit marching in a gay rights parade. All of a sudden, he's being mocked by The Heckler. Does his anger cause him to attack him on the spot? Or does he hold his tongue, and after the parade, change into his Green Lantern outfit and track down this piece of work to give him a country ass whipping? Think of the Possibilities!"

Asked about the super villian promoting homophobia and causing more gay bashers in society to "come out of the closet?" Lee retorted with, "Have you seen the average fan-boy? I mean, who reads comics? Basically guys like those tools on The Big Bang Theory. Now do you think The Heckler will cause these no-life dorks to start roaming the streets cursing and pointing at homosexuals? Most of these nimrods have never seen the world outside of their parents' basements."

Queried about the wisdom of his decision, Lee snapped "is this an interview or a kangaroo court?!" "Listen up bitch - I SINGLEHANDEDLY brought Marvel comics back to relevancy back in the mid '60s. Prior to that, the Marvel Golden Age ended after World War II. I was the one to give comic characters lives resembling those of the everyman John Q. Public. I'm doing the same thing here - are you a "DENIER" who lives under a rock and doesn't believe gay bashers exist?!"

"Let me tell you something, Hugh Hefner beat me to the punch by a matter of months. Prior to my decision to work in the comics’ field, I had already created a mockup of what I thought was to be the first nationally distributed men's magazine. Just think, six months is the difference between being asked inane questions by leotard wearing doughboys at comic conventions, and living at the Playboy mansion, tapping any scatterbrained bleached blond bimbo I desired, drunken orgies with celebrities, and walking around in a drug induced daze wearing nothing more than a velveteen smoking coat and house slippers."


Pikeville, KY - On the heels of his toy Pomeranian being thrown into his neighbor's wood chipper, Anderson Hatfield IV exclaimed, "IT IS SO…ON!" Speaking publicly since the grisly occurrence, Hatfield pointed across the fence to his longtime neighbor, Randolph McCoy IV, who was diligently weeding his prized rose flowerbed, and muttered several obscenities in his direction. "I've had it up to here!" said Hatfield. "I've held my tongue for decades but ever since Randolph's son, Tolbert, hit a baseball through my picture window and wouldn't 'fess up to it, it seems that every time I turn around, some McCoy is causing me grief!"

When approached to get his side of the story, McCoy had quite a different picture. "You know, all I've ever been is a good neighbor. I'm not sayin' I'm perfect, but I've taken responsibility for any accidents which have occurred between our families. Now, I'm sure he (Hatfield) didn't tell you about the time his son Johnson did a doughnut in my front yard right after it rained. It took a dump truck load of topsoil to fill in the ditches that he created. When I went to Hatfield to present the bill to be paid, he laughed in my face and said 'boys will be boys!' "I don't 'spose 'Devil Anse' told you about the time he poisoned my Great Dane with anti-freeze, did he?"

Hatfield was given the chance to respond and to wit said, "Hell! I HAD to kill that damn miniature horse! That mange ridden cur tried to mount my Best In Show Pomeranian! The filthy beast literally tore the poor girl a new asshole! She had to be put down after that - cost me $4000.00 in vet bills by the time it was all said and done! I breed show dogs - I can't be frettin' every hour of the day wonderin' if some domesticated moose next door is loose and horny!"

When queried about the veracity of Hatfield's wood chipper story, Randolph replied, "Look, IF it DID happen… it was just an unfortunate mistake. I can't be responsible for other people letting their hairy rats run wild in the neighborhood. He must have gotten tangled up in the brush when I was loading it into the chipper. I didn't realize what had happened until the dog's blood dirtied up my chip container. I mean, if I was that bad of a person, I wouldn't have dumped the bloody mass on Hatfield's front porch with a miniature cross inscribed with ‘RIP’? Would I? As God is my witness, if that Appalachian trash next door wants a war. He's got a war!"

When James Hetfield of the rock band Metallica was called on for his opinion on the History Channel miniseries; he declared a blood feud between himself and Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy of Star Trek fame. Hetfield, who was clearly intoxicated, said that he would not rest until 'Bones McCoy' was swinging from the nearest hanging tree. When told that Dr. McCoy is a fictional character, Hetfield flew into a rage screaming, "You dumb motherfucker! Are you telling me that my entire childhood was spent imagining 'Bones McCoy' while watching Star Trek in my parents' basement?"

It was also pointed out to the has-been guitarist/vocalist that there is actually a difference between the names Hatfield and Hetfield and that Deforrest Kelley, the actor who portrayed 'Bones McCoy' on the Star Trek TV show and in over two dozen movies has, in fact, been dead since 1999. A slurring Hetfield queried, "Oh, so I've already killed that bastard? WELL, HIS WIFE AND HIS DOG ARE NEXT!!."

And in one, apparently final, bizarre attempt to land a reality TV show, Hetfield tried to tie in the first season of Justified to the current Hatfields and McCoys miniseries, a slurring Hetfield said, “But I digress, now, if you’ll excuse me, Raylan, I must tend to the needs of the flesh.” Hetfield then shot 40cc’s of meth into his veins. With eyes rolling in his head, and in a statement clearly aimed at this reporter said, “I hate every one of these toothless, banjo-strumming, redneck Napster loving pricks.”

A Historical First: Someone Is Told To Push Head Into Ass

WASHINGTON - On Tuesday, behind closed doors, President Barack Obama, in so many words, told Vice President Biden to kindly insert his head back into his own rectum, bringing to an end the centuries long, unbroken record string of the phrase "pull your head out of your ass" that began when Gandalf the White castigated Lord Denethor, the last steward of Gondor, about taking action to stem the rising threat of Mordor and its allies.

Although the details are sketchy, Obama intimated that he's had enough of Biden's verbal gaffs and usurpation of Obama's authority. Besides the one-upmanship Biden has continually exhibited, most recently beating Obama to the punch with his acceptance of gay marriage, Obama has quietly confided in his advisory team that this "dildo with hair plugs" needs to keep his mouth shut with the upcoming presidential election a few months away.

Biden's most recent head scratcher came when addressing a group of liberal mind-numbed lemmings, that his parents always thought that he could be vice president one day. This seems to be the equivalent of aspiring to be the backup quarterback on a Superbowl winning team...or to be the sixth man on an NBA championship team...or to be Tiger Woods' caddie.

The following is a refresher course of random Biden's one liners in case you've lived under a rock for the last decade.

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent...I'm not joking!"

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'"

"Look, John's last minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

"If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong."

"His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And although, she's - wait - your mom's still, - your mom's still alive? Your dad passed. God bless her soul."

"I promise you, the president has a big stick, I promise you."

And last, but not least, speaking publicly to wheelchair-bound
Missouri state senator Chuck Graham, "Stand up Chuck, Let 'em see ya!"

And yet, we are lead to believe from all corners of this once great country that Sarah Palin was a doof.

Oh, well, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is a few clicks away from proclaiming himself smarter than all of us, even after his last place celebrity Jeopardy performance.

Put your ass hat back on. The election is right around the corner.


(Baltimore MD) Chaos and mayhem ensued as the American medal winners of the 2012 games started trickling back into the United States on Monday. Across the country, at every major airport, throngs of Occupy Wall Street lunatics met Olympic medalists at arrival gates, assaulting them, and making off with their gold, silver and bronze medals. Chants of "you didn't earn this!" punctuated the ramparts as stunned air travelers looked on in horror.

At Thurgood Marshall International (TMI) in Baltimore, TSA spokesman Dick Scrote was asked why security wasn't imposed and the local police called. "Well," replied Scrote, "I was about to jump into the fray when President Obama emerged from the crowd with Michael Phelps in a headlock!" Scrote continued, "as I tried to separate the mob, Obama told me to 'stand down…CRACKER', in that stilted, halting speech of his, which is impossible not to recognize. And, where I come from, when The President of the United States tells you to 'stand down,' by 'stand down!'"

At a hastily convened press conference, White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, did his best to put out the fires, stating that this was a "spontaneous" occurrence and that “those people have the right to free speech and assemblage without interference from the government.” When asked how a "spontaneous" occurrence included The President of the United States, Carney mumbled that the president was miffed that he wasn't selected as the starting point guard for the US basketball Dream Team. House minority speaker Nancy Pelosi piped in with, “Now you know how the ninety-nine percent of us feel...the ninety-nine percent of us who have never won a medal in the Olympics!"

When asked where the medals will end up, Carney was evasive, but did say that many of them will end up being displayed in the main offices of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters union halls. Also, the black, hispanic and gay athletes will be able to keep their medals. Furthermore, if they only won a silver or bronze, they will be able to exchange them for gold medals, "which is only fair, due to the decades of oppression that they have endured at the hands of white males."

Would this standard apply to the Asian-American athletes as well?

At a later event in the White House Rose Garden, an open mic captured President Obama, telling Teamsters president, Jimmy Hoffa VIII, “I don't think so...I mean, how many Chinks have you seen begging for money on street corners? I may have more flexibility to do that after the election in November."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed was asked if he agreed with the President on this issue. "Did the swimmers build the pools? Did the sprinters build the tracks that they trained on? Did the gymnasts build the balance beam, the uneven bars, the floor mats? Did the equestrians sire the horses they rode on? Did the male divers make themselves gay?"

Two baffled, ne’er-do-well bloggers, King Hippo and Dan Cedar, spontaneously urinated on the befuddled, babbling corpse of the Majority Leader.


(Death Valley, CA)

The Grim Reaper announced his pending retirement December 21, 2012 at a hastily convened news conference on the eve of the annual Death Valley Marathon. Asked why he picked this particular day and venue to make his announcement, Death replied, "It seemed like a good day - it's 113 degrees in the shade and I've got a few competitors on my list to reach out and touch before this event is over. So I figured I might kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."

Asked about the significance of the date of his retirement, Death said that he wanted something special to mark this historic occasion. "I figured that I would go out with a bang during the Mayan Long Count Calendar’s last day."

"I mean there are all kinds of kooks out there convinced that 12/21/12 will be their last day on earth. So what the hell, I might as well go out with a splash."

When prodded by the semi-retired, Centuries old, former Washington D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas, to reveal any information about that date that the rest of mankind was not privy to. Death replied, "Hey, I can't tell you guys EVERYTHING. You're just going to have to stick around and find out for yourself. But look on the bright side; on your deathbed you will have total consciousness." Death then chuckled, “And from the looks of it…huh…huh.”

Queried as to why he finally decided to retire after a job in which he has held since time immemorial, Death shot back with "I've developed some lower back pain, is that ok with you?!" "Jesus Christ! I'm on call 24/7, have to travel the galaxy on short notice, and am ridiculed with unflattering caricatures and you ask ME why I want to retire?!" "Not to mention all the false alarms I've had to endure!" "What the fuck good are airline miles when you don't have time to use them?!"

After gaining his composure, Death was asked what he planned to do in his retirement. "I'm thinking of taking up golf - it seems like a relaxing game." I also plan on attending some Halloween parties for fun, now that I don't have to actually work them."

What would become of his iconic black hooded monk's robe and scythe once Death retired? "I've already spoken to the Smithsonian who seems very eager to display this stuff in a prominent place in one of their museums.

Plus, I would rather the new guy develop his own shtick, you know?" "In fact, I've already got the rookie in training and he seems to be doing pretty well using a bat and a ball to do the deed."

"You may be familiar with him - ever heard of Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers?"


(CUPERTINO, CA) The day after the disappointing release of the iPancreas 4S – Apple’s egomaniacal founder and CEO, Steve Jobs, succumbed to pancreatic cancer after a long, brave struggle.

The much ballyhooed iPancreas 5 was set to be released to try and save Jobs’ life via the wi-fi enabled device which was promised to cure cancer through iTunes.

Problems arose in the production of the iPancreas 5 when a large number of eight year-old children went on strike at the Apple sweatshop in the Shenzhen province of China where the product was being made. Jobs’ reportedly took a hard line approach in negotiations when he reportedly would not meet the kids’ demands for a 15 minute lunch break in their 12-hour day. Jobs reportedly said, “Let them eat yellow cake.”

But Charlie has apparently had the last laugh. The iPancreas5 will not be available until mid-2012.

The newly released iPancreas 4S does have a voice enabled function that allows the owner to ask, “Will my pancreatic cancer kill me today?” But the iPancreas 4S serves as little more than a high tech version of a Mattel’s Magic 8 Ball.

It has only three possible answers; “Signs point to yes”, “Better not tell you now”, and “Outlook not so good”.

The mood at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California was, surprisingly, one of elation. Donald Dean, spokesperson for Apple said, “Mr. Jobs will be missed as was Thomas Edison and Henry Ford upon their passing. But luckily nobody will have to worry about hopping on an elevator with Mr. Jobs, anymore, and end up being fired by the time they reach their floor.”

“And even luckier still is the fact that we live in a great nation. The United States of America. Where there are thousands of greedy, workaholic assholes will undoubtedly line up to take Mr. Jobs’ place as a beatified Millionaire of American business.”

“The trick, as always,” continued Mr. Dean, “is to convince each subsequent generation of tree-hugging neo-hippies, that they should spend $500 every six months for some incremental improvement in whatever new hipster device Apple produces while discarding their old device in the nearest dumpster and proudly displaying their “Save the Earth” bumper sticker on their Hybrid of the Month as they drive away from said dumpster.”

Mr. Dean ended the hastily called press conference with, “I have to motor folks. Now, I must take my leave. The white smoke is about to be released from the Unitarian Church of Cupertino. WE HAVE A NEW CEO!!”

Directly after the press conference, displaying a self-deprecating humor not seen during his time on this earth, Mr. Jobs texted from his prototype iPhone 5, with his rigor mortised right index digit, “The reports of my life have been greatly exaggerated.”


Cape Cod, MA - Longtime Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank pulled the plug on husband Jim Ready during their honeymoon this past week upon hearing that the Boy Scouts of America's board of directors reaffirmed that the private organization will continue to ban gays, atheists and agnostics from its ranks. Frank flew into a hissy fit as he and Ready lounged at the ritzy Wequassett Resort pool, hungrily eyeing the under aged cabana boys carrying trays of food that wafted past his ample nose.

"This is an outwage!" exclaimed blushing bride Frank. "I will not west until this matter has been wectified! This countwy has come much too faw to tolewate these widicuwous, awchaic, and wepwessive views of the homosexual community!" Frank continued,"As soon as me and my husband get back to D.C., I will be chaiwing a committee that will submit wequisitions fwom the TAWP fund to subsidize a nationwide homosexual boys weadewship twaining gwoup, simiwah to the Boy Scouts of Amewica, AKA the Bwown Shiwts of Amewica."

Frank was asked if he had a name that would accurately describe the new organization. "I've given that a lot of thought. So faw, I've been muwwing over sevewal potentials. 'The Wump Wangers of Amewica' is a contender, as is 'The Hewshey Highway Patwol.' I've also considewed 'The Toy Scouts of Amewica' but I've been infowmed by NAMBLA that they have twademawked that title alweady. I've eliminated 'The Cowon Cowboys of Amewica' because it sounds a little too wegional. I must give my husband, Jim, cwedit for his suggestion, 'The Bwown Eye Bwigade.'" Frank went on, "We musn’t digwess, the title is iwwewevant. This countwy needs an owganization that will nuture the welationship between young homosexual boys and adult male homosexual weaders and not be excwusionawy like those homophobes in the Boy Scouts!"

Frank was asked if his idea wasn't tantamount to laying a loaded crack pipe in front of a recovering addict and telling him to guard it while you do some errands. "What is with you people?" Frank snarled, "just because you awe a homosexual does not automatically make you a pedophiwah".

The interview was interrupted when Frank tossed a 20 dollar tip at the feet of one of the cabana boys while his husband Jim clicked some snapshots on his iPhone as the boy bent over to pick it up. In pure Dickensian fashion, Frank queried, “Now, boy! Do you know that Chicken pwace down the road?”

“Si”, the boy responded.

“And what day is it?” It’s Saturday still, Not Sunday?”

“Si, Senor Frank.”

Frank said, “Exewent. What a fabuwous cabana boy. I will give you another 20 dowars, if you will bwing me back six fwied chicken sandwiches, four pounds of nuggets and twelve extwa big orders of waffle fwies. And anothew 20 dowars if you bring it all back in 5 minutes.”

Five minutes later, the two blushing brides were chowing down on a king-sized meal made for two queens.

After binging himself for 90 minutes and handfeeding at least 40 nuggets to his blushing bride, Frank said, “I’m wefweshed and weady to take on the wight-winged, gun-toting, tea party wadicals that do nothing, but hold gwudges and keep mentawy torturwing young men with the antiquitated ideas of what is normal. We must stand by ouw pwinciples, even if it fails to satisfy our own desiwes.”

“But fiwst things fiwst. Cue the D.J.”

With that, a group of cabana boys wearing neon yellow midriffs with plunging necklines, and sporting purple, low-rise spandex hot pants conducted a perfectly choreographed dance to It’s Raining Men.

In a related story, Warner Brothers Studios has decided to ramp up its cartoon department once again with retro-style 40's animation and more adult humor. Frank ended the night by claiming to anyone within earshot that he will ask the American public to boycott the studio if he is not offered the voice-over job for the character Elmer Fudd.


San Francisco, CA - The San Francisco Police Department and city paramedics were dispatched after a 911 call from the National Organization of Women headquarters on Friday during a normally quiet time of the year. Three arrests were made and one person was transported to San Francisco General Hospital. Three people were treated and released by paramedics for minor injuries. Early indications show that the melee broke out during the traditional white elephant gift exchange. Apparently, this year's theme was "Dildos".

A flustered CEO, Bertha Bolles, was asked about the commotion. "Well, I thought that everything was going pretty well until I heard someone in the crowd scream, 'you fucking whore! You know that I wanted that one!' At that point, the name calling escalated and hair was being pulled and nails were being ripped across flesh! The next thing I knew, a neon pink 'Billy Club' dong was slammed against my forehead! I was knocked clean out and when I came to, the police had already arrived!"

Chantilly DeGeneres was asked for her side of the story before being carted away to the SFPD station. "You damn right I took that lily white bitch Sondra out - I was the only African American at the party and she
still stole the 'Mandingo' dong from me! Take two steps back, look at my nether regions and you be the judge. Who, but ME, could handle the 'Mandingo?' Ummm hmmm, yeah you got that right. And it's me that they're arresting. Don't that sound like racism to you? I don’t wanna get political on y’all, but we got one more glass ceiling to break through, and it’s just REAL damned hard to do it with whatever the hell material, Teflon, or some shit, these damn dildos are made out of."

Melissa O'Donell was applying an ice pack to her forehead as she recounted the events of the evening. "I guess things got a little out of hand. At previous get togethers, you could always tell when someone was miffed about getting their gift taken from them but no one ever made a big deal out of it. On
This occasion, however, the third time the 'John Holmes' exchanged hands, all hell broke loose!"

A battered Rosie Etheridge piped in with, "You lying cunt! If you hadn't squirted me in the eye from across the room with the 'Peter North,' none of this would have happened!"

Queried as to how this fiasco jibes with NOW's slogan of
Equality, Opportunity, Justice, Respect, Empowerment and Freedom, harried spokeswoman Ellen Lynch replied with, "That’s a real hard question for a man to understand, so let me give you boys a woman’s perspective on this. Have you ever had a Ron Jeremy 'Hedgehog' dildo shoved down your throat while you're being held down by two diesel dykes, goading you with epithets like, 'Ellen's HETEROSEXUAL, Ellen's HETEROSEXUAL!' At that point you don't think about slogans, all you think about is payback, and how you're going to cram a 'Dig Dug' double dildo up these bitches asses and snatches at the same time!! And frankly, I am highly offended that you would ask such an inappropriate question.”


Chicago, IL - During a fun filled CPD (Chicago Police Department) annual employees’ picnic, sponsored by Shipley’s, police Chief Clancy Wiggum Jr. announced that the entire squad of canine patrol dogs will be retired. The officers assigned to canine patrol will have first dibs on their individual dogs and if any go unclaimed, the remainder will be retrained as service animals for the deaf, dumb, and/or blind.

"These German Shepherds have a long and storied history with the Chicago PD," Clancy orated, "What began in the '30's as strictly war criminal trackers, has evolved to serving as drug sniffers, missing person’s assistance, guards, and suspect equalizers. I know that the officers whose dogs are assigned to them will be sad to see them go, but such is the current status of Chicago PD's overall budget and crime strategy."

The festivities included a Frisbee catching contest, an obstacle course, and a surprising throwback to yesteryear, a dog race with spider monkeys saddled on the dogs' backs like little jockeys. As usual, PETA protested the gala citing animal cruelty. The outspoken picketers were quickly dispersed after Chief Wiggum gave the order to "release the hounds."

Queried as to what will take the place of the canine patrol in the department, Clancy was quick to correct. "You misunderstood me. The canine patrol is not being disbanded - we're just getting rid of the German Shepherds. The shepherds will be replaced by Coonhounds." A puzzled look on this reporter's face prodded Wiggum to elaborate. "Our statistics have shown that very little of the criminal activity in the city is being committed by Germans."


(Washington, D.C.) President Barack Obama returned to the White House today after completing his trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. He spoke to a throng of giddy pool reporters in the rose garden and expressed his dismay from his seemingly successful trip from some of the most dangerous places in the world.

Not wearing his American Flag lapel pin, and in his halted, stilted manner of speaking, the president said, “Quite frankly…I am fortunate to be alive. I have come to the conclusion -- that putting myself in harm’s way, in some of the most violent third-world countries of the world – at great expense to my adopted country while over-extending the ability of the Secret Service to protect my life – has turned out – unpredictably well.”

“I had every expectation of coming back to the White House in a body bag. I fully expected today - to be lying in state in the Capitol rotunda, having mournful Americans file past my lifeless, flag-draped corpse while news anchors across the world waxed poetically about what might have been - had I lived. I also fully expected to be in the presence of 72 virgins having given my life for Allah.”

“That being said, I still have hope. All is not lost, my fellow African-Americans. There is still a chance for the Democratic party to win the elections of 2012.”

“As you all know – I am a great fan of President Kennedy. And in his honor – I am announcing today – a trip to Dallas which is set to coincide with President Kennedy’s assassination on November 22, 1963.”

“I have instructed The Dallas Morning News, as they did with President Kennedy – some forty-seven years ago – to publish the route my motorcade will travel. Air Force One will land at 9:03a.m (Central Standard Time) at Love Field, in Dallas.”

“I want to re-assure any would be assassins that I have ordered the Secret Service to stand down. I will be traveling in a 1963 replica open-roofed convertible – rain or shine. We will follow the exact, same route that President Kennedy traveled on that ill-fated day which led to our distorted view that JFK was anything more than a philandering, risk-taking, rich, lucky white boy.”

“I would also like to encourage any dress-making, foreigners with high definition cameras to assemble near the triple underpass. Please feel free to contact Oliver Stone anytime after 3pm pacific time on November 22nd. He has a staff of revisionist historians standing by – at his disposal.”

“Dead men tell no tales – so - May Allah bless and any, and all, sharp-shooting, despondent Marxists that may have an open window from which to train their sights on me.”

“Good luck to President Biden and the future American Cosmonauts.”

“Just remember, who’s your daddy.”

With that the president smiled, winked and waved and said, “Allāhu Akbar!!”


Following, what, by all indications was a reverential Christmas Eve Fox News Exclusive interview with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Glenn Beck attempted to end the interview with The Messiah by wishing him a traditional Fox News, “Merry Christmas, Lord!”

The Messiah retorted with, “Happy Holidays to you and your family, Glenn!”

The ill-tempered interviewer snorted and gave a sarcastic chuckle, followed by, “Yeah right!”

The King of Kings shot back, “Excuse me, my son?”

Beck, whose sanity has been questioned, said, “Jesus, it’s the Holy Season.”

The Bread of Life reassured - in his most strident George Costanza voice, “I’m Aware!” while gesturing to the stigmata on his head and hands.

The author of Arguing with Idiots queried, “Where did you fall on health care reform?” Followed closely by, “What pork did heaven receive for your support?

A visibly shaken Jesus muttered, “I…I’m kosher”.

GB: "“What country are you from?”

JC: “What? What? W…”

GB: “What ain’t NO COUNTRY I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in ‘What’?

JC: “What?”

GB: “English, mother fucker, do you speak it?”

JC: “Yes! Yes!”

GB: “Then you know what I’m sayin’?”

JC: “Yes!”

GB: “Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!”

JC: “What?”

GB: “Say ‘What’ again. Say ‘What’ again. I dare you. I double dare you motherfucker. Say ‘What’ one more Goddamn time! Do you read the bible?”

JC: “Is that a trick question?”

Beck pulled out a massive .45 caliber handgun, then stood up and said, “There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the RIGHTEOUS MAN is beset on all sides by the inequities of THE SELFISH and THE TYRRANY OF EVIL MEN. BLESSED IS HE, who, IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL, SHEPHERDS THE WEAK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE DARKNESS.


Jesus cowered and fell to his knees.

Beck started chuckling and said, “JESUS!! YOU fell for that?”
“Get up! I’m just jackin’ with you. I just love that fuckin’ movie.”

“Happy Holidays.”

*Portions of this article are quotations from Pulp Fiction - no shit, sherlock!

Local Garage Owner in Hot Water Over Billing Discrepancies

(San Leon, TX) - Kuntry Kar Kare owner Cletus Mulroney came under fire over the weekend as several irate customers filed complaints at the sheriff's office claiming that they were overcharged on their repair bills by the eighth generation mechanic whose family has become a county fixture since the early 1860's at the intersection of Duke Street and Byrd Avenue.

The first complainant to come forward was in June of 2011. Mr. Rufus “Dizzy” Gillespie of La Marque said that he was overcharged by 10.00 for a routine tire rotation. "You know, I thought something was funny when he (Mulroney) handed me the bill.The total was 29.99 but as I pointed out to him, right there under the 'Spooks Cleared - Inquire Within' sign, that he should have charged me 19.99. He claimed that extra parts were needed which caused the bill to increase, but for the life of me, I can't understand what extra parts he would need to do a simple tire rotation."

Cedric Washington also had a problem with his bill in early August. "Yeah, I got a bill for 200.00 just for changing out an alternator! I asked him to break it down for me, and the part was only 50.00, which meant that he charged me 150.00 for labor. He said it took two hours at 75.00 an hour. Well, I just happened to walk out back to check his boneyard for a part I needed for my '86 Monte Carlo, and right there in black and white, right below the 'No Spearchucking' sign, was a posted rate of 60.00 an hour for labor! When I confronted him about this, he replied that it were an 'old' sign and that he hasn't had the time to post the new rates. Sounds mighty fishy if you ask me!"

Further inquiries revealed that Jamal Jackson, of Hearne, has a beef with Mulroney as well. "Hell yeah, I think he overcharged me! He didn't itemize anything on the bill, He just handed me the total. When I pointed out that the oil change was on special this month for 19.99, clear as day, right under the 'Jungle Bunnies For Sale - Show and Pet Quality Available' sign, he said that it didn't include 4X4's! This guy is a bait and switch artist!"

LaToya Stallworth of Kendelton regrets that she didn't scrutinize her bill until she looked at it when she got home. "As soon as I saw how much he charged me to resurface my brake rotors, I drove right back to complain. All he did was point to a sign in microscopic print, right below the 'Yard Ape Sale - Third Sunday of Every Month ' sign, that said all disputes must be taken care of before you leave the premises. That man is a crook!"

The official statement out of Sheriff Eustace Coltrane's office is that the matter is currently being looked into, and that Cletus Mulroney is cooperating fully with the investigation. When approached for comment, Coltrane minimized the complaints against Mulroney, stating that "Cletus is gettin' 'long in the tooth' and might be suffering from early dementia. Look, if you don't believe me, just go into Cletus' office and what do you see on the coffee table? That's right, a stuffed 'coon! Now, who in their right mind would pay a dime to have a thieving, lazy, no good, worthless 'coon mounted? But…his business is well respected and has been a member of the BBB since Jefferson Davis was president. So, maybe the community shouldn’t overreact. Maybe it’s the blazin’ heat. Maybe it’s that ole saddle bag wife of his. But all I know is that misery loves company, but this ‘Change’ movement is disrupting my innards."



(Anchorage, AK) I know what you’re thinking. The Guy in the Dos Equis commercials sure as hell looked older than 50. True Dat. Only, HE isn’t actually the most interesting man in the world.

The man that the world knew as King Hippo, the man who brazenly claimed to have genetic roots to all 7 continents of the world, has passed away.

Ding, Dong, The King is Dead.

Only two celebrities were scheduled to attend the memorial, Sir Elton John and Ron Burgundy.

Sir Elton John flew into Anchorage, Alaska this morning, where King Hippo’s body will lie in frozen state at The Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport. Sir Elton was scheduled to attend the Nelson Mandela Memorial, but changed his plans at the last minute because the Mandela organizers wanted to have a fake deaf interpreter, in lieu of allowing Elton to re-arrange, yes, once again, his ‘Candle in the Wind’ shtick that he has been rolling out for the last forty years.

John’s writing partner for the two previous versions, Bernie Taupin, flatly refused to participate in writing the tribute to King Hippo, claiming that “King Hippo was nothing more than an insolent, obese, Eskimo homophobe. Oh, and Elton doing the lyrics…that should be a rollick. That guy couldn’t spell C-O-C-K if you spotted him the C-O-K.”

Sir Elton curtly responded to Taupin’s lambasting, saying “Now is not the time for sword fighting. Now is the time to honor one of the greatest sarcastic movie review writers of the past four years. A man of all continents. A man of all Seven Seas. A man that yes, was, part-mad, but whose insights into Paranormal 3-D’, were droll beyond imagination.

Let’s not forget that King Hippo was never a man satiated. He always stayed thirsty.

And as for human rights…King Hippo had fought the good fight every moment of his life against the racist hatred of the inbred Inuit people of the world. Did he Triumph?

Only history will tell, but THAT Man, That King of a Man, told me that he had written one letter a day for something like, 63 days in a row…a few years back. He didn’t know who actually owned Eskimo Pie Company, or whatever it’s called, but the point is…he wrote.

King Hippo, that hapless little Inuit, was pissed off and he wrote. If that doesn’t sum up the man’s life, then you’ll have to listen to my musical tribute. I will be paying homage, tonight, in Anchorage. But, I have to go now. My husband and I are finishing up the lyrics this afternoon over a couple of Apple-tinis.”

King Hippo had disappeared from the internet and to all of his known three friends. He had reportedly left a note on his front door that he was headed down to New Zealand and Antarctica before foraging the Amazon River on a never ending quest for Krill, his most favorite snack. He finally hit the mother lode when he got to Alaska.

The Alaskan Daily News had written several articles about a madman calling himself, ‘Gippopotam’, Russian for Hippo, that was buying up all of the Krill in Alaska and hording it for his own consumption. Much the way Colonel Kurtz did in Apocalypse Now. Hippo apparently gained over 500lbs in the final months of his life. His lifeless, nude body, was found lying in the semi-frozen tundra, which had been REALLY frozen prior to man-made global warming. But still, it was cold…The King was also surrounded by several bottles of narcotics. He had apparently tried to auto-erotically bring himself to orgasm by tying his genitals to a nearby tree limb.

The only other items found near him were his loyal, one-eyed bulldog…”Dog” and an incessantly meowing cat….”Taco” whom The King had bequeathed Dan Cedar some years back. The thankless Cedar dropped Taco on King Hippo’s doorstep three years later, saying that he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Taco had a note attached to her collar that said, “You’re an errand cat, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill”. ‘Dog’ was found licking The King’s testicles clean of peanut butter.

Mr. Burgundy arrived minutes after Sir Elton. KTUU Channel 2 Reporter, Dan Fiorucci, did a short interview with the Legendary TV Anchorman. Burgundy stated, “I heard that King Hipster was in a bad way. I had hoped to get here in time. I had a little covenant set up with Sarah Palin and her daughter to double team the King, and bring him out of his six month pansy funk. But, alas, my arrival was too late. BUT ALL IS NOT LOST ANCHORAGE. After a very short, cordial meeting with her husband, MRS. PALIN AND HER DAUGHTER WILL BE CASHING THAT CHECK AFTER ALL!!”

“So, I must go now, but I will be back for tonight to do a short jazz flute duet with GREATEST PIANO MASTER OF ALL TIME…SIR ELTON JOHN.”

“Remember…Anchor Man 2 opens on Wednesday…I have a massive erection.”

“And…Go Fuck Yourself Anchorage.”

Below are the lyrics to the song written by Sir Elton and his hubby. Elton sang this to a packed Anchorage Airport, where the crowds were estimated near triple digits. The huddled mass of King Hippo worshipers waved Bic Lighters and flip phones in unison. The song was one for the ages, simply entitled, 'Goodbye Inuit.'

“Goodbye Seven Seas

Though I never knew you at all

You had the face - to scare the bravest kid - while those around him ran.

While you watched bad movies

You didn’t really care at all

As long it had ginchy chicks – kind of flashing you

And when you wrote movie reviews

The press kept hounding you

Because all you had to say was you hated Jews


It seems to me that you lived your life

Like a Candle Inuit

Never knowing you were ranting

Some insane bullshit

I would have liked to have known you when you were just a kid

Restraining orders kept me away - from the school you had to attend.

Hermitting was tough

King Hippo was the toughest role you played

Sarcastic Movie Reviews created a superstar

And pain was the price you paid

Even when you died

Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say

Was that King Hippo was found - tied up - jizzing nude.

And it seems to me that you lived your life

Like a candle Inuit

Never knowing - what to protest

But writing funny shit

And if it wasn’t for Dan Cedar’s over editing

It would be funnier than shit…in fact, more funnier than infinity legendary shit

You were just more than our King Hippo

Your inbred candle - burned out long before

Your legend ever did.

Sir Elton and Mr. Burgundy ended the show by playing a piano/jazz flute duo cover of ‘Freebird’


The houselights dimmed to end the song and when the lights emerged, there was not a dry eye in the Anchorage Airport. Although a smattering of drunken “Fuck You, Ron Burgundy!!” chants and throwing of fruit at the stage, was only stopped by the appearance of Sarah Palin and her daughter. Whatever her name is….

Mr. Burgundy appeared to have been over served by the barkeep, and was screaming…”SOME MEN ASK WHY,






Burgundy was escorted to his plane screaming, “My new movie opens Wednesday and don’t you forget that…You Cocksuckers in the 22nd row!!!




(New York City) - In a stunning reversal of its decades long policy of publishing liberal propaganda, the New York Times announced to a hushed crowd of tens of people that it will begin to actually publish factual information in its hallowed columns, said long time publisher Arthur Ochs "Pinch" Sulzberger.

Queried as to the radical change in philosophy, Sulzberger muttered some incoherent shit about the Times' declining sales and readership and thus, needing to rethink its survival "the good old fashioned way," - with Tam O' Shanter capped ragamuffins patrolling every street corner screaming at the top of their lungs, "Extry! Extry! Read all about it!"

At this writing, Sulzberger was also mulling over an idea to send reporters out into the community "Jimmy Olsen" style to actually fete out news stories instead of kicking back in a high rise cubicle with their eyes glued to a computer screen scanning TMZ, YouTube, MSNBC, The Daily Kos, and NAMBLA affiliated porn sites for their up-to-the-minute headlines.

Sulzberger went on, "this is a conscious effort to return The Times to its conservative, Republican roots of its founders, Henry Jarvis Raymond and George Jones. In fact, The Times is ready to endorse Donald Trump if he re-enters the presidential race as a Whig."

Currently, "All the News That's Fit to Print" is organized into sections: News (one page), Business (two pages), Sports (four pages), Arts (four pages), Style (three pages), Home (one page), Features (two pages), Business (four pages), Science (two pages), and Opinions (ninety eight pages).

"Obviously, there would be a restructure of the current layout of the paper, meaning that the Opinions section would be cut down to 4 pages."

Sulzberger was asked if that would mean that many of its Opinion columnists would have to find new jobs? "Well, that's a given - but I hear that the Flat Earth Society newsletter is interested in hiring Paul Krugman and Thomas Friedman once the ax hits the chopping block." "I also hear that Louis Farrakhan's Nation Of Islam newsletter is interested in Leonard Pitts and The National Women's Liberation website may be a perfect fit for Maureen Dowd."

New York Post publisher Rupert Murdoch was asked if this change in editorial policy would steal advertising dollars spent in The Post. "I'm not too worried about that - I mean, if Macy's or Bloomingdale's wants to waste its advertising budget juxtaposing their ads with ads hawking pointed tinfoil hats, 911 conspiracy books, and Sasquatch bear traps, then go ahead and make a mockery of your legitimate businesses!
The Post will take the high road and continue to wiretap phones, and accept ad copy for gentlemen's clubs, outcall escort services and quasi-legal Asian massage parlors."

Sarcastic Movie Reviews editor, Ian Specter, weighed in with, “Our website has committed itself to serving the highest American values of decency and hyperbole. And if given half a chance, we would happily give Maureen Dowd an egghead facial. And pause for her witty retort.”


The Catcher in the Rye” author J.D. Salinger blogged from his grave early this morning that he was “distinctly upset” that Holden Caulfield, 1950’s era ultra-hip colloquialisms, and his often blamed classic work of literature were not getting enough credit for the mass shooting in Arizona.

Salinger, reportedly writing with a 4G Sprint Evo smart phone scribed, “Mark David Chapman wasn’t a visionary, but at least he wasn’t yellow and he had a plan. And I am not going to clarify John Hinckley or Lee Harvey Oswald.

But this bullshit in Arizona???

How much fucking effort does it take to jot down a note and put a paperback in your pocket before you go out and rip off 15-20 Glock shots at a bunch of innocents?

All these handsome guys are the same. This jackass that shot Congresswoman Gabby Gifford looked crazy, sure, but you’re gonna blame Sarah Fucking Palin. MILFs are all slightly insane, but there is no indication that they cause people to go insane. You can burn a book, but unlike a book - if you burn a swell gal – she’d better be from Salem.

I’ll bet Jesus wouldn’t burn a witch, but I will sure as hell do it. I swear to God I will.

I mean, who the fuck is gonna be stupid enough to believe that shit with the ‘inflammatory rhetoric’? And enough with ‘target cross hairs’!!!

The most IMPORTANT things this great country was built on – were ‘inflammatory rhetoric’, ‘target cross hairs’ and, if you were lucky, maybe a few of your most prized possessions.

But that’s the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you starting shaking hands at Love Field or the Safeway, or trying to sneak into The Dakota after a late night dinner - when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.

Happily, some of these shooters, and stern-jawed, condescending television pundits kept records of their troubles. You could learn from them — if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

If we can’t learn from our historical poetry – then we are doomed to repeat it. Probably three times a day on MSNBC - unless there is some REAL news.”

You illiterate rubes wouldn’t know it, but most of this rant was lifted, wholly or in part, from the second greatest book in American literature. You should also know by now that Holden Caulfield, Mark David Chapman and I are standing by this cliff just beyond the rye - trying to catch all of you crazy kids from falling off.

‘Is HE crazy’, you ask?

HE sounded kind of crazy…for eight goddamn years.

All morons hate it when you call them a moron.

But enough is enough.

Enjoy your time off, Keith Olbermann.

Imagine no possessions – YOU PHONY PIMP!!

Oh, yeah….Thanks for the autograph and Fuck you!”


Washington, DC - White house staff physician assistant Alicia Sphincton treated President Obama for facial abrasions and a split lip after his daily game of pick-up basketball held on the white house lawn court on Friday. Reports are that Sphincton dressed some minor scrapes on the president's forehead and bridge of nose as well as suturing his lower lip with two stitches. The medical treatment was done on site and no further procedures are expected. Sphincton was unavailable for comment, but White House Spokesanus Jay Carney fielded questions about the incident.

"This is nothing new for President Obama," Carney said, "He's got a little street ball in him and occasionally he'll sustain a minor injury depending on who he's playing and how heated the game becomes." Asked who the president was playing when the incident occurred, Carney was elusive but finally admitted that, in fact, the dust up occurred while the president was playing half court with vice president Joe Biden. "This was purely a stress reliever after several hectic days of Biden's committee on gun violence. The president invited Joe to 'take a load off' and hang with him for a game of B-Ball and a five course dinner served on gold plates."

A confused Mitt Romney tried to hone in on the action, but was dissuaded when informed the game would involve no revelations from a Salamander.

Carney was asked if this is the 'usual' outcome of one of President Obama's impromptu basketball games. "Actually, this is the first instance in four years in which the president has incurred injuries this serious." Carney was then asked if maybe the president shouldn't be involved in school yard horseplay like this, which seems unbecoming a presidential figure.

"Look," Carney countered, "the game was going fine until the trash talking started. The president was good naturedly ribbing the vice president by asking him if his hair plugs were harvested from his ass. I guess Joe took a little offense at this and quipped back at Barack about 'if Michelle's making roasted or poached leg of dog tonight with collard greens from the white house garden?’”

Queried as to when the president sustained the split lower lip, Carney finally came clean and stated that Biden gave the president a left elbow to the mouth as he was going up for a reverse layup. "I guess Joe had had enough when the president smack talked about how the exhumed corpse of Joe's late wife tasted like 'Honey Nut maggots.'"

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was the first to break the news that the last time something like this had happened was on August 28, 1963, at the Kennedy Compound at Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, when vice president Lyndon Baines Johnson volunteered to join in a game of ‘touch’ football in the backyard with the president and some Kennedy family and friends.

Maddow quoted unnamed sources as having seen Johnson (playing defensive right end to the president’s blind side) perform the first known ‘swim move’ on JFK’s pint sized left tackle, Robert Kennedy which led to a devastating sack and blow to the president’s head, forcing it back and to the left.”

In recently declassified taped phone conversations, LBJ chastised his left defensive end and JFK confidant, Rosey Grier, for the final shot to the head. Grier chimed back that had he actually been taught the ‘swim move’ by Johnson earlier in his career, "I could’ve stayed in the NFL five more years!”

Maddow then ominously warned President Obama to keep his “head on a swivel on the basketball court. You never know what these VPs are really up to. A stark reminder to you thirty-something neophytes that President Kennedy was dead within ninety days.Coincidence? Maybe. But, I’m not willing to take that chance Mr. President. And neither should you.”


(Washington D.C.) On the same day that President Obama was named Time Magazine’s ‘2012 Human Person of the Year’, the president clearly had his mind on back to back wins for the upcoming year. The president took a bold new step at a news conference by calling on congress to act on new laws to curb gun violence and save innocent lives. The president, fresh from an Emmy winning performance at dabbing away ‘tears’ while reading the names of the innocent children massacred at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut only a few days earlier, said this “type of massacre will not happen again. Not on my watch.”

When asked for comment, Roger Hooverlimb, MD, said,“I don’t understand what is wrong with the media in this country. All of attention paid to this unquestionable act of violence on little children. Everyone knows the killer’s name, but I am ignored.” Dr. Hooverlimb runs an abortion clinic less than ten miles from Sandy Hook Elementary where the massacre took place. “Nobody knows my name. I mean, c’mon, twenty kids. That’s a half of a day’s work for me. By 1130am, I am scrubbed up, and headed out to do some last minute Christmas shopping over my lunch break.”

Later in the day, the president, in a scene very reminiscent of the Solyndra debacle, was standing in front of a new facility that he has proposed will curb carbon emissions.

Semi-invoking the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., the president said, “I have a dream that we as a great nation can develop cleaner emission ways of aborting unwanted fetuses, which this country desperately needs.” President Obama continued, in his halting, stilted manner of speaking, “Now I don’t want this to sound like a War On Women, but we, as Americans, can do better…and we will… with your support. We have a lot of unwanted refuse being disposed of from the fine women of Connecticut and we can become a more compassionate country by using subsidized solar energy to conduct these procedures…And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black humans and white humans, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, or something in between, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

In fact, we must get there, for the future of ALL of our children and the future of our beloved planet.”

“But to get to that point, we will need to curb gun violence, cut carbon emissions, and get the economy stimulated back up and running. And the gun proposal that I made today to congress, and our proposed new stimulus bill will help with the construction of this new state of the art, solar abortion mill, which will bring new healthcare and construction jobs to our economy that was decimated by George W. Bush.”

Pausing for a moment, the president grinned and looked at the CEO of the company and added, “Since I’m paying for this this building, do I get a vote on the name?” The CEO nodded.

The president then grinned and said, “I’ve always been a fan of the Blaxploitation films of the 1970s. How does ‘SolSucka’ sound to you fellas? The crowd stood up and gave a standing ovation.

And somewhere, nearly forgotten, the members of the rock band Living Colour, smiled.


(New Brunswick, New Jersey) At a press conference called today, Middlesex County First Assistant Prosecutor Julia McClure, who led the courtroom prosecution of Dharun Ravi, has taken the unprecedented step of prosecuting herself, the interrogating police officer, and the entire jury of a hate crime. Mr. Ravi now faces up to ten years in prison and possible deportation for his actions in the death of his gay roommate Tyler Clementi.

Ms. McClure was candid in her comments a week after the guilty ‘hate
crime’ verdict against Mr. Ravi for teasing online comments that he made about a homosexual encounter that Tyler Clementi had had in the dorm room they shared. Clementi then ‘showed-everyone’ by doing a swan dive off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River.”

Ms. McClure stated, “After a week of soul searching – I came to the conclusion that the policeman that grilled the defendant, the jury, and myself are all guilty of a hate crime. The New Jersey statute specifically states that a hate crime can be based on race, color, religion, gender, handicap, sexual orientation or ethnicity. And Mr. Ravi, who emigrated from India at the age of six, is obviously colored, of an impure race and religion, and was unduly prosecuted by Middlesex *giggle* County. I wouldn’t call him gay or handicapped, but, with that haircut, and that lazy eye…I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Needless to say, we didn’t buy the Defense’s argument that Mr. Clementi was doing a Greg Louganis tribute to The Father of our Country when he committed suicide. But, I can’t tell a lie…Mr. Ravi did not chop down that fairy tree, alone.”

“It’s obvious to me that the police officer that interrogated him for fifty minutes was badgering him for one, if not more of the reasons stated in the ordinance, and was "mean-spirited, malicious and criminal."

“I would like to verbally chastise the entire law and order system of our county. But I don’t want to be too mean spirited, because I don’t want any of these pussies to sneak out to their mom’s garage and run a carbon monoxide laden hose from the back of their 1997 Honda Civic to the front window that will barely roll down. Then haughtily jaunt off to meet Jesus - while leaving me holding the body bag.”

“Also, it turns out that Tyler Clementi was having deeper issues than we first realized. Today we understand that he was taking anti-depressants (which have been linked to suicidal thoughts), listening to a lot of Metallica lyrics during the preceding 13 days prior to his death, dropping acid multiple times daily, and drowning in guilt for volunteering for Barack Obama’s phone call bank just prior to the 2008 election and Mr. Obama’s subsequent, failed presidency. So, there are dozens of others we will, undoubtedly, be able to prosecute in the subsequent months.”

“In my humble opinion,” continued Ms. McClure, “both Mr. Clementi
and Mr. Ravi ought to be able to take a little good-natured ribbing and get over it. But, the law is the law…and the Thought Police are here
to stand, judge and execute.”

“We will let God sort them out.”

“And by them…I mean us, too.”

President To Sacrifice Youngest Daughter

Washington D. C. – Today, President Barack Obama emerged from a fortnight spent seeking counsel and receiving sitar lessons from legendary Hindi musician and vegetarian Ravi Shankar. Validating fears of Fox news and many conservative Americans with Judeo-Christian values, the president confirmed that he will sacrifice his virgin daughter, Sasha, to the Indian pagan god Vishnu.

President Obama, in a live press conference from the White House Rose Garden said, “It is my hope that this ritual will clench the fists of all 100 hands of Vishnu – so that she may fight the oppression of the Freemason and Jews.”

The president reportedly came to this decision after reviewing a copy of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion which had been left in the White House by former President Woodrow Wilson. The president’s epiphany came to him in a peyote-induced delusion that he shared with Shankar.

CNN Reporter Soledad O’Brien reported the upcoming sacrifice “may well be the most blatant harbinger of the Post-Racial, Post-Gender and Post-Coital World to occur in the history of mankind. I mean – can you imagine George W. Bush having the courage to smoke peyote with an Indian – not an American Indian. That is truly out-of-the-box thinking”.

While Rush Limbaugh understatedly claimed this as “one of the seven signs of the apocalypse" and that the current president "is indeed, The Anti-Christ.”

President Obama said in a White House Rose Garden press conference, “I stand with a former great American, Henry Ford and the Inventor of the radio, Guglielmo Marconi – who, let me be clear on this point - never even heard a mamba – much less played it. And with this truth exposed – I hope to defeat what is clearly and completely a conspiracy between the Freemasons and Jews forged together by the Illuminati.”

“This, of course, led ultimately to the Orwellian de-evolution of Jefferson Airplane into Jefferson Starship in 1984, which allowed them to ‘build that godforsaken city on Rock and Roll’. And that song – my fellow Americans – may be the greatest Rock and Roll travesty of all time.”

“Again, the sacrifice of my daughter is nothing personal and I will genuinely miss her innate ability to deflect media criticism from my own ineptitude as the president of this once great country. But it is, quite truthfully, the only way I can see to end this thing – that was put into motion – by Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas in 1984.”

The president then smiled broadly, waved his hand, winked and said, “And let me be clear in asserting my unwavering Christianity and the right of a free and independent Jerusalem, but I do want to leave you with a quote from the great George Harrison, ‘My Sweet Lord – I really want to be with you, Hare’ Krishna, Hare’ Hare’.”

The president then concluded, “Lord Vishnu - please accept the sacrifice of my daughter and please reincarnate her in a timely fashion as George Harrison –

The Greatest Musician Of All Time!!”

With that – the president and first lady took a brief photo op to introduce the country to their new pet sacred-cow, Kenny, whom the soon-to-be ex-first-daughter, was allowed to name.


(Cleveland, OH) - Today, a spokesperson for The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inc.announced that they will open a new arm to the museum in 2015 to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the museum. The newest wing will be dedicated to the proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases by members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Spokesperson Rod Thorn explained that “the new extension of the museum is a mix of The Holocaust Museum and Disneyworld’s Space Mountain. We want this exhibit to scare people straight about the consequences of treating their bodies like an amusement park, but to also have a carefree time with the family. We will also be handing out free condoms and allowing visitors to sign up for a free needle program. We are able to do this through the sponsorship of each section by corporations dedicated to educating fans of rock and roll.”

The thrill-ride roller coaster will begin at the top of ‘Sex Mountain’. It’s a slow ride to the pits of hell into the indiscriminate sexual forays of various inductees of the Hall.

Thorn continued, “The ‘Members Only’ sponsored section of the ‘STP STD Monsters of Rock Mountain’ unit will focus on the hard rock pioneers. We have already received promissory notes from Mr. Gene Simmons and Mr. Saul Hudson, aka Slash, to have their genitalia removed and donated to the museum upon their passing. And ladies and gentlemen, I can assure you from hand first knowledge that these gents are truly a spectacle to behold. Warts and all. And luckily for us, arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of Rock music, one Mr. Jimi Hendrix, had the forethought to have his purple headed soldier cryogenically frozen to preserve for one and all to experience post-mortem, as they did while he lived. We consider Mr. Hendrix’ yogurt slinger to be the crown jewel of our collection.”

The ride will then take patrons down to the ‘Nasty Nappy Vulva Valley’ at 69 miles per hour to gander that the female whores of Rock. And just as through the rest of the ride, the horrified riders will be bombarded with graphic images of sexual cancers, lesions and yes, even HIV and AIDS. Although Madonna and Stevie Nicks have volunteered to have their nether regions removed and displayed prior to their deaths, the museum has declined, saying that they “don’t want to be party of any claims of promoting female circumcision.” Thorn explained, “This particular exhibit, in the hands of those two media skank whores, would do nothing but invite protests and allow the Occupy Wall Street crowd another venue for their political posturing.”

“We’re here to only display mutilated Rock and Roll genitalia of either sex, regardless of orientation. Which brings me to the PETAA (Penises for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Anuses) subdivision which will plunge 40 feet into an underground tunnel and will focus on the Gay Animal Lover inductees of the Hall of Fame. Although details have not been given about specific stars, one can only hope that the anal impalers of Sir Elton John and Freddy Mercury will be part of this disco balls of horrors, where Ms. Donna Summers will be continuously belting out ‘Hot Stuff’.”

Finally, the train ride will end with one final dive into the basement of the Mountain. The Harriet B. Tubman - Train in Vain division, sponsored by ‘Donkey Kong’, will focus on Syphilis and a massive amount (said to be estimated at over 40,000) of unused condoms donated by Keith ‘Keef’ Richards. Thorn said, “The pile of unused condoms will make our guests gasp. We fully expect it to rival the amount of shoes taken by Nazis at concentration camps which are now on display at the Holocaust Museum. That, followed by the Run D-M-C, Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys sexually scarred automatons, will have many of our passengers reaching for their individual barf bags, provided so as to minimize coaster clean up.”

Thorn concluded by encouraging parents to bring their children and remind them that it’s about Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. “You can’t just cherry pick your way through your musical or sexual choices.”

Al Sharpton, when asked for comment, said that “this a racially insensitive ride. At the very least, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame should dedicate a ride to the Tuskegee Airmen that were euthanized by the U.S government with syphilis.”


(Bowling Green – Ohio) Today, in a stunning political pivot, Mitt Romney made the political calculation that boring the American public into a coma prior to the upcoming presidential election was not a winning formula. Romney, sporting a Kenny Chesney-inspired sleeveless shirt and white Cowboy hat, not only appeared different, but had some polar-opposite ideas than he had previously shared.

Backed by a new campaign theme song, Subdivisions, by Canadian prog-rock icons, Rush, Romney appeared to be infused with a personality, leading the crowd in a ‘Yes We Canada’, ‘Yes We Canada’ chant. The puzzled, but malleable crowd slowly picked up the chant for the next 18 minutes with Romney waving his arms like a conductor.

Finally, when the crowd had been worked into a cult-like frenzy, Romney took off his Stetson and quieted the throngs as the volume of 'Subdivisions' was brought down. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee began his remarks. “Some people say that we are a closed-minded people. Some people would be wrong.”

“I come before you today to propose some big ideas. Some might say that capitalism is wrong. Some might say that the government can do more. To those people I say, ‘Yes We Canada’.”

“Today, my fellow North Americans, I propose that we look beyond ourselves, our communities and our countries. Anybody hot out there??”

“Yes”, cried the crowd.

Laughing, Romney said, “Well, I am too! I am hot as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore, Ohio!”

“If there is one thing this summer has proved to me. Global warming is destroying the United States of America.”

“When my great grandfather and his 12 wives got chased out of Iowa, did they quit? Heck no, they went to Utah. And when my grandfather and his four wives got run out of Utah, did they quit? Heck no, they went to Mexico. And when my Mexican daddy got run out of Mexico, did he quit? Heck no, he went to Michigan. And today, when we’re all sweating our balls off here in the good old USA and we can’t grow anything because global warming is melting the ice caps. Are we gonna quit?

“Heck no!!” Screamed the crowd.

Romney continued, “We’re going to Canada!!”

The crowd began surreally chanting, “Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da!!”

Romney yelled, “Heck yeah!”

Romney continued, “My fellow North Americans, when we ran out of room 200 years ago, we purchased Louisiana and ran the Injuns out and put them all together like they wanted. When we needed more room after that, we got all the way to California. Then Alaska. Then Hawaii.”

Romney then joked, “Anybody notice a pattern here?”

The crowd, again, began surreally chanting, “Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da!!”

“That’s right,” Romney crowed, “We’re coming. One way or another.”

“Some men say, ‘Why?’ I say, ‘Why not??!’

“I mean, if we can’t kick some Canuck ass, do we REALLY have a military industrial complex? Ha, Ha!! Wheee!!”

“And today, I propose that we solve the illegal immigrant problem. And we will not do that by building a wall. No, Sir. On my first day in office, I will create a government agency that will build a bridge from Mexico to Canada. This will take the migrants from Mexico up and over this once great country.”

“The Mexicans can build the bridge and when they get to the other side…that tundra should be pretty much gone, and that fertile ground is gonna need some tilling, and planting and picking, and I’M sure as hell not gonna do it. And if I know you, my fellow Americans, neither are you.”

Romney ended his speech with, “And don’t let it be said that I am going to choose some boring, middle-aged white Vice President. Today, I pledge to all of you, that THESE Olympics that start in less than two weeks will have consequences. Today, I pledge my full support for the person or persons that are U.S. Citizens, who come back with the most gold medals from the London 2012 Olympic Games. Be it a pothead, doper, or just a hard working winner.”

When asked for comment, Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid said, “Romney is just pandering to the large Canadian presence on Wall Street that controls big businesses like Bain Capital, J.P. Morgan and a bunch of other hedge funders that want to ship jobs overseas. And I consider it a slap in the face that Governor Romney will not choose a boring, middle-aged, white man for Vice President.”


(Akron, OH) Longtime deli owner, Debbie Doody, of Knishes & Kneidls implored President Obama not to campaign on her doorstep during the highly contested election of 2012. "I can't afford to go out of business with three daughters currently in college," said a nervous Doody.

When asked to elaborate, she continued, "My friend, Dick Lanky, of Toledo, went out of business within days of President Obama using his restaurant, H & L Brock, as a stump stop. No offense to President Obama, but look what happened to Olympia Cafe in Lorain after he made a campaign stop there during the 2008 primary. That place went out of business within months of his appearance. No more cheeseburgers for this Doody.

Also, look what happened to Barry White’s Big and Tall in Cleveland after Obama's visit - they filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. And heaven forbid, poor Mel, of Mel’s Char Palace just down the street, dropped dead a couple of days after Obama made a speech there." Doody added, "Even in Pennsylvania, look at Allentown Telepsychic – Lester Crackfield closed up his shop after Obama visited and then boasted about his economic plan in 2009."

"Hey, you guys aren't going to print this, are you? I mean, I'm a lifelong Democrat and I'm not looking for any trouble." After being assured that her identity would be kept confidential, Doody finished with "It's not just us small guys, Obama shows up for a press conference at places like Solyndra and Amonix after funding their green energy businesses with millions of tax payer dollars and they go belly up within months of his appearances. I can't take that chance!"

In related stories, the Festrunk Brothers had their ‘Two Wild and Crazy Mattresses and Flooring Sales’ of Portland sign replaced by a 'Goin Outta Business Sale’, less than a month after the Obama campaign leased upstairs office space for their headquarters.

And in Trenton, NJ, Chico Escuela, owner of Dognuts And More, announced that he is closing his doors after only 3 months in business. "This economy is horrible!” exclaimed the Puerto Rican immigrant, "I have not had ONE customer come through the door since I opened! This president has been very, very bad for me.”

When asked for comment, Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, seemed bemused, smiled and said, “I am happy to announce that the president will be guest hosting Saturday Night Live on November 3rd – three days prior to the election.”

Log Cabin Republican and anorexic Fox News Correspondent
Shepard Smith, then queried, “Shouldn’t the president be focusing on the economy and the election?” Gibbs quipped, “Even you Nazis at Fox have us up by 80 electoral votes with 80 days until the election. You will get President Obama playing ‘Dust in the Wind’ on his pan flute with the SNL band…and like it, Smails!!”


(Punxsutawney) The day after the debt ceiling debate put the kibosh on the good times on Wall Street - The New York Stock Exchange grabbed the national headlines with their “Crisis For The Day” when it went into a free-fall of more than 500 points amid fears that an antibiotic resistant strain of Salmonella may threaten the nation’s financial stability. The outbreak could threaten more than a dozen family Thanksgiving dinners - if it is not quickly contained.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has traced the problem to unsanitary conditions by a Jefferson County, Missouri turkey wrangler Ron Schump who claims that his common-law wife, Michelle Smith, had raised their turkey as her daughter.

The plague has already killed one person and made tens of people ill.

Mr. Schump claimed that he had repeatedly caught his wife filling her voluminous navel with Purina Turkey Chow to entice their “pet” turkey, “Fatty Arbuckle”, to graze at every meal from her disgusting, lint and bacteria-filled navel for more than three months.

“Fatty Arbuckle” would then fellatio every male turkey and rooster in three surrounding counties. Shortly thereafter, a myriad of STD’s caused by the “unprotected oral sex” began spreading throughout the crank trailers of lower Missouri – before finally turning up in a barely edible “Tex-Mex” spread of appetizers for last weekend’s 30th year Arlington Lamar (Class of 1981) High School reunion.

When America’s politicians and pundits offered ‘solutions’ – their ideas were varied, yet vaguely familiar; Sarah Palin offered a “Just Say No To Turkey Fellatio” plan at her stump speech in Ames, Iowa. Just ahead of the staw poll to be held there in about ten days.

John Mellencamp has already reissued an “Unplugged” version of his melodramatic hit from 1980’s, “Rain on the Scarecrow - Blood on The Dow” and is already planning a “Turk Aid” concert to try to save all of the turkey farmers now at great risk of losing their antibiotic-free, organic turkey slaughter houses.

Mellencamp claims he will team with National Islamic Founder, Louis Farrakhan, to organize a Million Turkey March on the National Mall in Washington, D. C.

Johnson County Planned Parenthood activist and part-time life insurance salesman, 'Needlenose' Ned Ryerson, said that the clinics would be giving free condoms to all turkeys in a 14 state area to slow the progression of the disease.

Ryerson added, "We don't want to see a rash of Turkey Crank Babies. We are ready and willing to vacuum those little fuckers out if the rubber's don't work." When reminded that a turkey can't be impregnated by a blow job, Ryerson added. "Seems unlikely, but you never know what's been swishing around in them turkey beaks."

The Reverend Al Sharpton asked rhetorically if "this scourge had been brought on by hate-mongering tea party racists to reduce the impact of colored folks in next year’s presidential election."

John McCain claimed that the turkey in question "was raised by a bunch of in-bred, tea-party hobbits that rarely wash their hands, much less their belly buttons."

The independent Congressional Budget Office estimated that an outbreak could cause the loss of 40 trillion dollars over the next 7 years and the loss of America's AAA credit rating.

When informed of the most recent turn of events, House Speaker John Boehner, in a joint press conference with Kathy Bates began uncontrollably sobbing…mumbling “Poor turkeys!! Poor dirty, little birds!!"

One time presidential hopeful Al Gore seized the opportunity by emphatically waiving a study that had linked the salmonella outbreak to America’s carbon dioxide production. He gave no further details prior to flying off in his private jet for Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun with Carly Simon.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and Barack Obama issued a joint statement emphasizing that they would wait until the day after the 2012 election before offering any statements or solutions – so as to not alienate prospective voters.

The turkey in question, "Fatty Arbuckle", when asked for comment bellowed,“THE SKY IS FALLING!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!

From Punxsutawney: It's Phil Connors reporting.

Spanx To Market New Product This Fall

Atlanta GA - On the heels of the recent Time Magazine 100 Most Influential People Awards Dinner, Spanx founder Sara Blakely held a press conference to announce the addition of a new and innovative compression garment to complement her renown blockbusters Spanx and more recently, Assets. Her products have been seen on the Oprah Winfrey show and her story is a modern day American rags to riches saga, drawing raves from women and fat transvestites alike. Blakely stated that until the fateful meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the awards dinner, she had no idea such a product was economically feasible. But after a discrete physical exam of the former first lady in one of the private unisex disabled persons bathrooms, Blakely has announced the forthcoming release of Spanxles.

Touted as the miracle cure for cankles, Blakely was unable to contain her excitement. "It is a historic day when the former first lady of the United States of America is utilizing all THREE of my products at once!" I know you wouldn't guess it, but Hillary is already a diehard fan of both Spanx and Assets! In fact, our 'Baby Got Buffalo Back' sized Spanx was specifically tailored for Ms. Clinton. Prior to her request, there was no such Spanx size available. When asked about the sizes of Spanxles that will be available, Blakely said that paper sizing cutouts will be provided in store and printable online. "The potential customer will slip their foot through the cutout and hold it where the base of the calf usually transitions to the ankle - that will determine their size."

"In total, there will initially be five sizes. Because the Spanx brand is a world leader in animal rights, we have dedicated the Spanxles line to herbivorous mammals. Our most popular sizes will probably be from the Pachyderm Collection which includes size Elephas and the slightly smaller Loxodonta. For women of a more moderate cankle build, we have the medium sizes Hippopotami and the Rhinoceri. For the petite figured cankle, we have the Tapiri size. We have purposefully tried to stay away from 'number' sizes as this usually has a negative connotation."

In a related story, Aerosmith, after assuring everyone that the entire band is, once again, "completely drug and alcohol-free", has approached Hillary Clinton to do a remake, ala RUN-DMC style, of their 70's chestnut "Lord Of The Thighs".


College Station, TX - Grand Saline resident Otis Terhune was dragged from his truck and savagely beaten by an unruly mob of Aggie students following an extra inning baseball game loss to lowly division III whipping boy LeTourneau University. Apparently, Terhune was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had just returned to his pick up as the hooligans exited the baseball stadium. Upon seeing the 'Commerce' sticker on his rear window, someone yelled out, "Get that fuckin' wannabe!" After the mob's bloodthirst was sated, they then proceeded to upend his truck and set it afire.

Interviewed while convalescing at St. Joseph Hospital in nearby Bryan, Terhune recounted the nightmarish attack. "I was minding my own business and had just gotten into my truck when a hand grabbed me around my collar and dragged me out through the side window!" "The rest is a blur, but I was well and truly beaten about the head and shoulders. I haven't received a thrashing like that since my pappy caught me diddling a newborn calf that I found in the north forty when I was twelve years old!"

Terhune concluded, "I have no idea why anyone would get upset about a 'My Child and Welfare Checks go to Texas A&M - Commerce' sticker. I don't see anyone getting their tail kicked over a 'Hook 'em Horns' sticker. I mean, my daughter is the first Terhune in the family to go to college - most of us usually go to work in the salt mine."

Outside the hospital, a well-spoken East Texan addressed the media for the mob , C.J. Hudson, said that he would try to organize this into a yearly event using Facebook and Twitter. Hudson added, “Now, I don’t even go to this college or whatever you call it. I was just tailgating with some buddies drinking some Red Stag, and it was on. But them folks in College Station don’t get to have their bonfire anymore…and dangit…that ain’t right. Traditions is what keeps us connected to the past. Next thing you know…there ain’t gonna be a Fourth of July for my boys to watch. And I just can’t let that happen.”

In a related story, the presidents of the division II and III schools in the A&M system expressed their displeasure at Texas A&M moving to the SEC. Prairie View A&M president Sheila Jackson Lee retorted that because of A&M's move, "now we're having to move to the Allegheny Mountain Conference to play a bunch of buck-toothed,
inbred, hillbilly crackers!"


Gotham City - Fresh on the heels of the death of an Indian immigrant at the 40th Street subway station, Scottish immigrant Hamish MacNoonan died after sustaining injuries from being pushed off the 63rd Street subway platform into the path of an oncoming commuter train.

United States senator Robert "Bob" Menendez has been detained for questioning. Menendez has also been alleged to have stiffed prostitutes while vacationing in the Dominican Republic, agreeing to pay $500 for services rendered, then ultimately paying them only $100. Prior to the allegations, Menendez had been in line to take over as CIA director before President Obama's trip to Colombia in April of 2012.

Although not proven, Bob Menendez could possibly be a distant cousin of Lyle and Erik Menendez, infamous for the murders of their parents in 1987 and currently serving life sentences in prison.

Senator Menendez could also possibly be a second cousin of Erica Menendez, who pushed Sunando Sen, to his death December 27, 2012. Ipso facto, any person that is, or possibly could be related to any person with the surname of Menendez, is, in fact, a cold blooded killer.

Currently, Erica Menendez is under psychiatric evaluation after proclaiming that she pushed Sen into the path of the subway train because she "hates Hindus and Muslims ever since 2001 when they put down the twin towers." Authorities have charged her with murder as a hate crime.

New information on the first gruesome subway murder of Korean immigrant Ki-Suck Han on December 3rd has come to light. Thirty year old homeless man, Naeem Davis, has changed his story from that of acting in self-defense to "I just hate Japs, man. Ever since they bombed Pearl Harbor, I've hated them slant-eyed rice eaters!" When enlightened to the fact that the man he pushed was South Korean and not Japanese, Davis replied, "Oh fuck man, who can keep track of all them Asiatics? They all fuckin' look the same to me!"

Anonymous sources have confirmed that during questioning, Senator Menendez admitted that he pushed MacNoonan onto the tracks because he "hates argyle." District Attorney Harvey Dent has hinted that he may bring murder charges against the senator enhanced with a hate crime against textiles.

New York City Mayor and Fascist in Chief Bloomberg is said to be mulling over new legislation to curb this horrific violence, similar to legislation he implemented recently outlawing 44 ounce fountain soft drinks "for the health of the morbidly obese."

Bloomberg is said to be seriously considering prohibiting immigrants, the homeless and "fat tubs of shit" from entering the city, including New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. "Just think of it this way, if there are no immigrants to push in front of commuter trains, then the immigrant killings will stop!”

The downside would, of course, be the decreased supply of immigrant sex slaves on whom our former and current Attorney Generals would be able to prey. Much less that Harvey Dent, whom I have it on background from Police Commissioner Gordon, is a bit of a two face."


(New Caney, TX) Independent-minded 11thgrader, Manny Horowitz, has decided to make a run for student council of Porter High School. Horowitz, bravely running as the first Libertarian in the history of New Caney has vowed to support Marijuana Recreation Day, take pork off of the school menu, take no money from Super PACS, and support outright anarchy.

At a hastily called news conference attended by 9thgrade freshman, Bernie Philbin, reportedly affiliated with quasi news organization Reporters Without Borders and former White House UPI correspondent Helen Thomas – Horowitz spoke frankly, “I make no vows of sending a man to the moon by the end of this decade, but Alice, you ask me one more time, and that’s where you’ll be goin’.”

When asked by Miss Thomas, Mr. President …I understand that your motto is ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ , Horowitz retorted, “Yes, if my neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.” With that, Philbin jumped on stage and began to man the snare drum that was fortuitously sitting behind the podium.

Then Horowitz in a dead on cockney accent said, “Bein’ the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are rape, ultra-violence and Beethoven…I suppose I don’t have a chance in this ‘ere election.”

With that Horowitz grabbed a glass of milk and a walking cane from behind the podium, tipped the glass and winked at Helen Thomas. Philbin reached down under the drums, grabbed a Bowler hat and frisbeed it to Horowitz.

Horowitz jumped from the stage, kissed Thomas on the cheek and said, “One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between - as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was.”

He tipped his hat and said, “No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

“Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!:

“Good Day, Mates!”

In a statement issued shortly thereafter, Mitt Romney said, “This action today, by Manny Horowitz, was predicted in a direct revelation from God to Joseph F. Smith. And these are the consequences of not voting for A REAL CONSERVATIVE.”


Princeton, NJ - The finger pointing has already started as parent company Church & Dwight initiated the largest product recall in company history. Trojan brand president Jonathan Holmes Jr. stood red faced as he chaired a press conference on Monday. "We are extremely embarrassed by the recent turn of events regarding our new line of Bare Skin condoms which was launched in March with a full marketing blitz. We are apologizing to all consumers who bought and used our new product and take full medical responsibility for injuries which may have occurred. Furthermore, we will refund the purchase price of all the recalled product and will include a voucher for any of our, or similar competitor's product."

The chaos began when Bruce "Twink" Camelback arrived at San Francisco General Hospital with what appeared to be a bleeding anus. Completely ignoring HIPAA regulations, attending E.R. MD Jack Mehoff smirked that Camelback is a "frequent flyer", but it usually entails removed large inanimate objects from his rectum, not bleeding or tearing of the anus. "I once removed a Colt .44 can from the man’s ass with my fist, so there's no way in hell he's going to bleed unless an abrasive object was inserted into his anus. Ain’t the fella’s first rodeo…”

Camelback consented to an interview in which he recounted the chain of events. "It was nothing unusual - I just picked up a john at the Castro Theatre, took him home and he put on one of those new Trojan condoms. It kind of felt funny as I was performing fellatio on him - it was if I was at my dentist getting my teeth cleaned. I didn't really think much of it until he flipped me over and shoved what felt like an African pygmy hedgehog up my ass - backwards! I don't need to tell you that the session ended on a bad note. On top of everything, the guy stiffed me! What a prick!"

In Houston, Texas, Victoria Gomez was rushed to surgery to repair what appeared to be multiple abrasions and lacerations to her vaginal wall. "I really don't understand what happened. I was at work during my regular shift at Harlem Knights, and, as usual, took a black fella to one of the "VIP" rooms for a little personal attention. Well, one thing led to another and as he had my face pinned to the seat of the couch, he shoved what felt like a pissed off honey badger into my privates! He was stunned when I screamed, so I don't think that he was doing anything on purpose! Let me tell you, all the fellas around here call me "Bertha"after that five-story tall burrowing machine. With a nickname like that, you know I can take just about anything, but not THAT!"

Investigative reporter Ward Zindler unearthed what appears to be a confidential file from Trojan headquarters. "It looks like there were multiple breaches of design and quality controls for the new condom. My un-named source tells me that Head Designer Ron Popeil Jr. has been shit canned. Apparently, he misinterpreted the directive from upstairs and designed a bear-skinned condom. Popeil grinningly quipped, “I don't want to duck your question, but I never said I was a 'speller'.” If you would have been at my job interview, I said, “I’m a seller". “Now…I’m going to The Masters to watch Carl. You fellas have a GREAT DAY.” He walked away mumbling something about 'is tomorrow a holiday or something?'

Quality Control Manager Carl Spackler has also been given his walking papers. His initials are all over the quality control documents, but when line workers were queried, they all told me that Spackler signed off on everything brought to him without ever double checking. It looks like he spent seven hours of each work day in the bathroom smoking reefer...And his lunch hour doing a stand-up comedy routine in the cafeteria. Spackler, when slapped about the head for comment, claimed that he “had once been a caddy for the Dalai Lama…big hitter, this guy.”

In a related story…American Workers hit an all-time low in productivity.


(Washington D.C.) CNN anchor and host of the prime-time weekend edition of CNN Newsroom and Log Cabin Republican, Don Lemon, conducted an exclusive interview with Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, where Snyder “came out of the closet” and admitted that he had been on a drinking and marijuana binge, since fifty U.S. Senators called for the Washington Redskins to change their racially charged name. Snyder was joined on the set of CNN by longtime bowling buddy, and confidant, Walter Sobchak.

Reporter Don Lemon began the interview, “Mr. Snyder, we have learned that you want to say something very important to America. Is it true that you have finally decided to change the name of your football team?”

An agitated Sobchak interrupted, “Fuck you, Donny!! Dan Snyder will not be your or America’s punching bag anymore. Going forward, you will refer to him as the Dude. And YOU WILL speak to him with RESPECT!! AND NOT LIKE SOME FUCKING NIHILIST!!”

Feeling the tension rise, reporter Don Lemon leaned in and spoke softly and directly to the unkempt owner of the Redskins, who was dressed in a robe and sandals. “Dude, is it true? And if so, why?”

Sobchak again became agitated, “DID SOMEONE TELL DAVINCI TO ‘GET OFF THE FUCKING CEILING’ WHEN HE WAS PAINTING HIS MASTERPIECE? This is NOT NAM!! THERE ARE RULES HERE, DONNY!! DO NOT STEP ACROSS THAT LINE!! Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who cares about the rules?”

The Dude, trying to diffuse the situation says, “Yeah man, it’s true.” Sipping on a White Russian and hiking his right leg up on the chair. “I’m gonna change it.”

The reporter continued, “What will the new name be, Dude?”

Drinking and smiling, The Dude said, “I don’t know, Man. I’m toying with a couple of ‘em. I kind went out to dinner with a lady friend of mine the other night. We were having Mexican. I thought she was cool. She’s a redhead. She gets wound up and kind of gets wild and, umm, starts talking with her hands.”

“I don’t know man, we were debating, you know, whether is it better to just admit you’re a pacifist or keep drawing red lines in the sand, and ya know…looking like a fucking pussy, instead of sayin’, ya know, FUCK THIS…ya know, this won’t stand. Or, whatever…Anyway, my, ummm, ya know…my date, or
whatever, starts stomping up and down in this totally insane, way. And it got ugly…Donny, I know we’ve got this whole gay thing goin’ on in the NFL this Year, so I don’t know if you’ve caught up yet?”

“But, ya know when there’s an incomplete pass…what the ref does?”

The reporter *rolls eyes*…”Yes, Dude.”

Dude says, “Okay, so, my lady friend starts waving her arms like that and she catches this Tejano fella…is that the preferred nomenclature? A Mexican guy? Yeah, that’s okay, right? A Mexican is a good thing. So, my date knocks down the damn Mexican to the ground, which ya know, man,Uh…unfortunately spills my fucking drink and my fucking salsa.”

“So, she’s a human paraquat…And…um… I am just starting to lose my buzz and, ya know…this throws me into a fit of rage.”

“Mind you, this was prior to my adhering to a strict drug regimen in order to not become uptight in my thinking and keep my mind, ya know…limber. So, I guess Old Dan Snyder was…ya know… was kind of a dick and I said, like, ‘hey what are ya doin’, babe?’”

“And she pipes up….like REAL LOUD, ya know, ‘GET THE WETBACK, GET THE WETBACK!!’”

“And I’m thinking, what did the fucking Mexican do to make this fucking mess? I mean, I’m sorry babe. This one’s on YOU!!”

“Ya know…incomplete pass!!”

“And then she starts in with ‘Jeffrey, Jeffrey. You misunderstand!’”

“And I’m thinking…who the fuck is Jeffrey? I AM ‘THE DUDE’, Maude and you need to compensate the Mexicans for your full-body, dry-heave that fucked up their carpet!!

And She says, “Jeffrey, I was saying ‘Get the Wet Vac, Get the Wet Vac!! You know… to clean up that carpet. It really ties the dining room together!!”

“And man, it’s like a dream. I order us another couple of drinks while Mexicans are tidying up the carpet. And, ummm, ya know, it’s like Zen…man.”

“I’m goin’ to name my football team the Washington Wet Vacs!!”

“And, ya know, like…poof…no controversy. I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good Wet Vac, man?

“I mean,” The Dude pulling out a doobie, says…”Ya mind? Can you imagine FedEx Field rocking with our new fight song, man? ‘Hail to the Wet Vacs!!’ Fucking...Zen, man!!”

CNN interviewer Don Lemon reasserts himself, “Mr. Snyder, I mean Dude, “Why did it take so long for you to come out with this? You said that you would NEVER change the name of the Redskins!!

The Dude says, “Fuck Man…what do you want out of me?”

Walter interjects, “Excuse me…it’s religious freedom. Are you an anti-semite, Don? Are you and your commie pals here at CNN in need of an FCC hearing? Ted Turner and you CNN rich fucks!! This whole fucking thing - - I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck, so that THIS fucking nut strumpet…"
(Elaborately clears throat and crosses arms) "Cause….WE WILL go to the Fair and Balanced station..if you’re gonna fuck us over and make us look like nuts with your pinko disinformation editing."

The Dude interrupts, “Walter…Walter…Well, Umm, ya know, I just don’t see any connection to Viet Nam or communism...Walter.

Walter looks to reporter Don Lemon and says, “Why did it take us so long to make this decision? Shomer Shabbos!! Does that mean anything to you, MR. College Graduate?”

“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, and I, sure as shit *don’t blow fucking Roger Goodell*. Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Syria. Pacifism is not something to hide behind. If we get a chance to nuke those towel heads back to the time of Moses, by God, we should do it.”

Walter continues, “:And when did The Dude call me? Late Friday night!!

“Sorry Dude, Shomer Shabbos!! I didn’t pick up my messages until I woke up this (Sunday) morning and we’re here NOW.”

Walter turns his attention to reporter Lemon, “But YOU aren’t happy with The Dude’s new name for his football team, are you, Donny?”

“Maybe you’d be happy with a rainbow on the side of the football helmets and we could just call them the Washington Fucking Magical Unicorn Fucks!!

With that, the Dude and Walter Sobchak got up and began to exit the interview.

Don Lemon said, “Hey wait just a minute, How about a more traditional football name…Like The Eagles!!”

The Dude looked at Donny and said, ““Well, that’s just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.”

Walter *shaking head*, “Forget it Donny. You’re out of your element. You’re entering a world of pain!!”

Dude speaking, “Look man, I’ve just had a bad day and, umm…besides they already have, ya know,… a team in Philadelphia, ya know…named the Eagles!!”

The Dude exited the CNN Studios in an agitated manner, “AND BESIDES…......I FUCKING HATE THE EAGLES!!”

“Fuck these Commies, Dude! Let’s Roll!!”

*If you don't know that this was used with poetic license from one of the great american movies...The Big Lebowski...please don't come back to the website. MORON. All credit goes to Coen and Coen. Except for the rest.

Jesus Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

(Jerusalem, Israel) *Well known Jew hater and so-called messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, mistakenly rose from the dead and was summarily arrested in Jerusalem after three concentration camp survivors fingered the purported lord and savior as actually having been Ivan the Terrible – the infamous Nazi SS guard of the Treblinka extermination camp during World War II.

Christian witnesses charged that the men had been whipped into a frenzy after having attended a local Friday night at the park - double feature showing of The Eternal Jew followed by Schindler’s List.

The “three-wise men” – were identified by the internationally well-respected Hasidic Rabbi - Leif Garrett.

The three had been staying at the Simon Wiesenthal Center for the Aged and Infirmed Jewish Victims of the Holocaust. Rabbi Garrett continued, “The three wise men found me shortly after the end of the Spielberg film, and pointed out the anointed one who was already showing off. HE was doing some kind of catch a bullet in his teeth trick that I had seen Penn and Teller do at the Rio in Las Vegas – three fucking years ago!”

“Are you kidding me? Come on people!”

The Mossad, the Jewish secret police, quickly surrounded “The King of Jews” and deliberately asked him a confusing question - “Was there a sale on buy-one, get-one free pork chops in the area?” Momentarily bewildered – the police were able to take Him into captivity.

Upon His release, Jesus half-heartedly attempted to explain, “I don’t know exactly what happened. It’s kind of like when you have a sneezing fit and you just lose control and a little pee slips out of your bladder. I was talking to Rodney Dangerfield and he was telling me some hilarious stories about the filming of CaddyShack.”

Jesus continued, “Dangerfield was standing around cracking jokes with Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin. He was ribbing them about Jews controlling the media said something about ‘getting Oliver Stone up here to put you guys in context.’”

“We were all howling!!”

“I laughed so hard that – I lost control. All the sudden. I was Risen!”

“The next things I know – these three old guys – Chico, Harpo and Groucho - have their Uzi sub-machine guns trained on me.”

Upon hearing of Jesus’ capture– John Demjanjuk who had been held since 1982 as the suspected guard Ivan the Terrible – was immediately released from captivity.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu promptly offered a full pardon and apologized for Mr. Demjanjuk’s “regrettable and untimely confinement.”

When asked to explain why he was so quick to assume the guilt of Jesus and the fact that He is, indeed, the horrific SS Nazi guard, Ivan the Terrible, Netanyahu (moving his hands oddly and paraphrasing the Jewish TV detective Monk) explained, “You just don’t get it. This is THE GUY. He did it. Except for his disheveled appearance and unkempt hair and beard - He is the perfect Nazi.”

“And He will serve as a reminder to the world for the remainder of time that Nazism will never die.”

“I fully expect that this arrest will satisfy Jews’ blood lust for hundreds of years to come. My great grandchildren will be able to come and look at this man and have a touchstone with a living, breathing, Nazi. Because, as you and I know, there aren’t too many Nazis still hanging out on the street corner – ordered up like Manna from heaven to feed our people’s vengeance anymore.”

*This newspaper account is used with the expressed written permission of The Bethlehem Star from personal accounts of Mort Zuckerman, Jonah Goldberg and Mort Kondracke.


(Washington, D.C.) Helen Thomas announced that she will attempt a second career in fulfillment of a lifelong desire to be a Hollywood actress. This surprise revelation came on the heels of her abrupt resignation as white house press correspondent which dated back to her first newspaper article describing the battle between the USS Monitor and the CSS Virginia in 1862 during the civil war. This - in the wake of controversial anti-Semitic epithets made by the decades old spinster and white house press fixture.

Asked if she actually had any acting offers at this point, Thomas replied, "I have feelers out there. I've spoken to Director Rob Reiner about a remake of his surprise box office hit, The Princess Bride. He said that he may have a spot for me opposite Billy Crystal who will reprise his character Miracle Max. I would, of course, play his wife, Valerie."

When asked to elaborate, Thomas went on, "Rob told me that I wouldn't even need any makeup to play the role - which is fortunate for me as I have very sensitive skin."

(When queried about playing a character opposite a well known Jewish actor, Thomas replied, "Of course I wouldn't have any problems in a scene with a Jew, that's why it's called ACTING!"

Thomas also hinted at another George Lucas Star Wars prequel trilogy in the works in which she has been offered the role of a young Jabba the Hut.

Thomas has other ideas, “I would, of course, be playing the great-grandmother of Princess Leah – chained and wearing her familiar gold lame’ bikini. The only problem with that one is that George told me that I would have to disrobe while in character - which I don't know if I'm quite ready to jump that hurdle yet. But, who knows? I think that with several movies under my chastity belt, I may become more comfortable doing nude scenes as time goes on.Several well known actresses banked their movie careers into a Playboy centerfold. If I play my cards right, the sky's the limit."

Thomas continued, "Peter Jackson called me yesterday with his plans for the fourth installment of the Lord of The Rings which he is writing himself. He asked me if I was interested in playing opposite John Rhys-Davies as, his character, Gimli's twin brother."

Asked if playing wart-encrusted medieval crones, oversized drooling land slugs, and borderline male trolls would ultimately typecast her, Thomas replied in her typical sarcastic tone, "I'll have you know that I've been offered a leading role in a comic book adaptation movie, much like Spiderman and Superman." Asked if she was at liberty to disclose the title of the comic book at this point, Thomas deadpanned, Hansi,
The Girl Who Loved The Swastika

NAMBLA to Form Strategic Alliance

(San Francisco) - NAMBLA president emeritus Stuart Smalley announced today at the Bi-Weekly San Francisco Gay Pride Parade that NAMBLA has been in discussion with several other civil rights groups to unite several wrongly maligned associations into a cohesive bloc.

Smalley announced his plans after being inspired by President Obama's appointing of Marv Albert as Cross-Dressing Czar, late Thursday evening.

In light of the recent prosecution of decades old scofflaw pedophile Roman Polanski, Smalley was asked if his plans were possibly premature at this time. Smalley's reply, "Was the sixties the 'right' time for blacks to assert their rightful place in society?"

"Was the nineties the 'right' time for homosexuals to come out of the closet and demand equal rights?"

"The answer is that there is no 'right' time.”

“There is strength in numbers. I believe, with our alliance, we have the constituency to push for recognition of our legitimate causes and interests."

This reporter then queried as to the other members of his "strategic alliance."

This reporter was then required to show press credentials and deny any association with HUAC (House Un-American Activities Committee) or Joseph McCarthy. I assured Mr. Smalley that the committee was abolished in 1975 and Senator McCarthy has been dead for over 50 years.

"Well," Smalley added hesitantly, "We have come to preliminary agreements with NAMSLA, NAHSLA, NAMCLA, and MFSSDLA.”

When asked to elaborate on the multitude of acronyms, with an effeminate sigh and a Frenchman's wave, Smalley recited, "North American Man-Seagull Love Association, North American Hillbilly-Sheep Love Association, North American Mortician-Corpse Love Association, and the Mexican Female Sex Slave-Donkey Love Association."

Smalley was then asked if he thought there were enough people in these organizations to effectively lobby for recognition. "Did Harvey Milk get on the San Francisco city council right off the bat? He had to start somewhere, right? We're on the ground floor here and there's no where left to go but up!"

When this reporter reminded Smalley that once Harvey Milk got to his lofty position - he was murdered.

Smalley shot back with "Are you threatening me?"

Followed inexplicably by, “I am not a Red!!"

Asked if his alliance would be courting other groups fighting for legal recognition such as polygamist sects of the Mormon Church, Smalley rolled his eyes and sarcastically dead-panned, "We are NOT interested in associating with freaks!"

California Set To Outlaw Condoms

(Sacramento, CA) One day after signing an edict into law that will require stores to discontinue using plastic bags for groceries, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a law banning condom sales.

In barely audible english the governor emphasized, “The outlawing of the trillions of tonnage of latex prophylactics will free up the landfills of the great state of California for other refuse. With the recently enacted “Marriage Equality Act” – California is on pace to excrete an enormous amount of documents related to divorce filings and are currently on pace to double the amount of discarded wedding dresses and Superdry Cargo Pants in our landfills.".”

Conan The Governor continued, "To limit these excesses on our state – we must make cutbacks. We, of course, realize that the dearth of condoms will have unintended consequences with an increase in the HIV, the AIDS and the genital warts. This, in no way, should be misconstrued as a governmental intendency to wipe out the homosexuals.”

“Let me state this unequivocally – California loves our homosexuals. California loves our homosexual tax dollars. And to prove this to our homosexual demographic – we will also be outlawing any and all cholesterol medications which have been shown to be primarily prescribed to middle-aged heterosexual men.”

“However we do think that the natural augmenting in the death toll of Californians and the subsequent increase in natural human decomposition will lead to a re-birth of mother earth and will ultimately lead to a greater human experience for all Californians, all Americans, and consequently, all Austrians.

And with that, The Governator winked, smiled and waved to the crowd, “God bless California, God bless Austria and please go see my newest movie, The Expendables, which has nothing to do with the way I feel about homosexuals.”

Nation’s Problems To Be Solved

Washington D.C. President Obama, in the 451st national address of his 11 month presidency, further defined his vision of the American future by naming his Tri-Lateral Czars of All Things Progressive. The czars will consist of Al Gore, Whoopi Goldberg and Michael J. Fox. This latest compromise will encompass: health care reform, another economic stimulus and an eco-friendly, self-sustainable biosphere in 26,000 locations nationwide.

The President of Prescience said, “McChoices is a big idea and big ideas are what this country needs. McChoices is not just another burger joint - it is an all-encompassing, nationwide, self-sustaining collective farm, of sorts, where, and let me be clear on this, all the problems of this nation will be solved.”

With that, President Obama said, “Now I have other things to attend to, but I will leave my trusted minions, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, to delve into the specifics. I have other big ideas that I am working on, but now I have authorized Air Force One to fly to me to Moscow where President Putin will be presenting me a life-size replica of Joseph Stalin.”

Then, in his best Jim Rome voice, the president said, “Good night, now!!”

Reid and Pelosi outlined the plan where ultimately billions will be served.

Reid said, “The general idea is to have a one-stop, eco-friendly shop where Americans will be able to come and have a progressive place to eat, drink and have local amenities to provide free, secure, reproductive health.”

“Each restaurant will have a 50’s burger diner façade out front and will have a back door where safe, legal abortions are performed. In another area - a team of scientists will extract stem cells from the discarded embryos. An organic garden where employees will urinate and defecate will be grown on each roof. This will supply the vegetables used in making of the burger “fixings’.

Harry Reid said, “I want to state this emphatically. This is NOT an ‘abortion stimulus package’ as has been stated by the ‘Negative Nelly’s across the aisle.I have always been pro-life. My voting record shows this. And this bill WILL be pro-life to those fortunate enough to endure that nearly interminable hell that is each woman’s pregnancy.”

Reid continued, “We do have a patent pending on our 27 meter “Golden Forceps” that will adorn the lawn of each of our restaurants. We expect the president’s 40 Trillion dollar stimulus package to receive congressional approval before the end of 2009 and begin work on the first of our estimated 26,000 store fronts by February 1, 2010. The time for debate is long past. History stands waiting in the wings. And, yes, to those who ask - this will, in turn, stimulate
the economy.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) immediately put out a statement saying that the program was not economically viable and was unsustainable. To which Nancy Pelosi said, “We owe this to the American public and we won’t let the right-winged CBO dictate the holiday gifts that we bestow upon the American people.

We have a plan to market to low-income, economically depressed areas, where we will actively encourage disadvantaged women to end the suffering lives that will be their children - if brought to term.”

Reid expanded, “We plan on a multi-pronged approach to this marketing scheme. First, we will offer, free of charge, highly carcinogenic, menthol cigarettes and malt liquor to all of these women, their families and the various men that they have copulated with. We hope this encourages a sense of family that generally doesn’t exist in this community. We realize that 70% of these women do not have a man to help raise their children because they are in prison, married to someone else or just off chasing tail. We hope this leads to a renaissance of the African-American family that has not been seen since the
Civil War.”

Eleven, as yet unnamed women and a fully repentant Tiger Woods will be the spokespersons of the advertising campaign.

Pelosi added, “Soylent Green and Tofu Burgers will be served from surplus residue of our human refuse. We believe that the technology exists to remove nearly all methane-producing by-products from our entire menu. We have also introduced a Cap and Tax Soda – whereby our customers will have the ability to order and consume carbonated beverages. We will send the taxes collected equally to other members of the G20 countries as a penance for the evil which our fellow countrymen expel.”

When asked for the qualifications of the Tri-Lateral Czars. Reid seemed more than a little perturbed, saying, “Al Gore will be in charge of climate change – the man has won a Nobel Prize; Whoopi Goldberg will be in charge of women’s reproductivity – she has had at least 6 abortions; And Michael J. Fox will be in charge of embryonic research to benefit bona fide humans with god forsaken afflictions. The man has been a twitching, stammering idiot for the past 20 years - for Christ’s Sake.

KKK Disturbed by Fans Mocking Tiger at Masters

(Augusta, GA) The Ku Klux Klan’s Grand Imperial Wizard, Mike Ward, stood dejectedly outside of the Master’s Invitational Golf Tournament as the tournament wound down today.

Ward explained, “I am highly disappointed in the jeers that Tiger Woods had to endure during the past week. I mean, it started on the first day of the tournament with the banner behind the Cessna that read, ‘Tiger, Did You Mean Bootyism?’.

And then for the next four days Tiger was stalked by a wide array of half-soused rabble yelling, ‘Get in the hole, Tiger!!’, followed quickly by guffaws and high-fives amongst inebriated friends gathered ‘round.”

Ward said, “I mean, is that supposed to be clever or mean-spirited?”

“What has this great state come to??!!”

“You have a bunch of quasi-belligerent Guys…”

“First it’s – ‘Get in the Hole’, Guy??!!”

“Then it’s – ‘You’re the Man-whore’, Guy??!!”

“And then I heard the – ‘You’ve got some ‘Splainin’ To Do’, Guy??!!”

“Another Guy's plane banner said, ‘Sex Addict? Yeah. Right. Sure. Me Too!’”

“NOT ONE racial epithet in the group!!”

Ironically,watching the tournament on a 13 inch portable black and white television and speaking from a 12 X 12 cage nearly 3 miles from the golf course where all protesters are relegated by Augusta National chairman Hootie Johnson - the seven Klansmen held their collective heads in shame.

Ward explained, “We are in Fucking Georgia – for Christ’s sake!!"

"If we can’t burn an effigy of Tiger – then, you had all better be able to face the future. Facts is Facts and pretty soon we're gonna have one of them here, a woman, getting in the club, teeing off and making us all play a 6 hour round of golf. Just ask Tiger - You lay with a good for nothing slut, and eventually, you're gonna have to fuck!!"

"And it’s not just Tiger. Have you seen them other golfers out there?"

"We've got blacks, yellows and reds. This should be as easy as shooting a coon from my back porch. But between PETA and the Tea Party - We're dying here!!”

“And - look over there,” Ward said, pointing to another cage of protesters.

“There are more PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) demonstrators than Klansmen. Apparently, THEY are afraid somebody is gonna lynch and castrate a REAL fucking tiger down in Amen Corner.

What are we, Animals?”

“There are NO Confederate flags! NO burning crosses!

You have to be kidding me!!”

“The name of the tournament is The Masters, for Christ’s sake!!”

“THE MASTERS!! Get it??!!”

Ward ended his rant with “Thanks to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ for allowing a white man, Lefty Mickelson, to win this thing or this would have been a COMPLETE waste of time!”

Woods has also been dogged by jeers about his newest Nike ad featuring the voice of his long-dead father.

An unusually light-hearted Woods joked about the ad and even filmed a commercial hawking his new line of golf clubs.

In the ad, Woods, wearing a headset, says, “I am in it to win it and I want to bag as many of you as I can, TODAY!!

Get your own set of my personally designed ShamWoods.”

Tiger then demonstrated his club length while ripping off a 300 yard drive. Then grinning that overly-toothy, fake smile, winked and said, “You’re gonna love my shaft AND my driver.

And if YOU call in the next 20 minutes – I will give you my putter for free.

But I CAN’T do this all day!!”

“Be like Tiger. Hit it Long. Hit it Hard.”

“Get YOUR ShamWoods, Today!!”


(Washington, D. C.) Today - another drop was felt in the torrential downpour of seemingly never ending attempts to overstate the perils of continuing any traditional American pastimes that are quasi-enjoyable. The American Academy of Pediatrics called for a warning label on hot dogs and asked hot dog makers to come up with a different design. Dr. Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington – Nationwide Children’s Hospital spokesperson said, “If I took the nation’s best engineers and asked them to design the perfect plug for a young child’s airway, you couldn’t get much better than a hotdog. The 20 billion hotdogs sold per year lead to 1700 emergency room visits. Doctor’s recommend the Heimlich maneuver if a child is choking. Boom goes the dynamite.”

The National Organization of Women (NOW) chimed-in with their ever-present browbeating opinion saying that, “if this is the case – then all things phallic must be immediately redesigned”. Spokes eunuch, Billie Jean King said, “We applaud the recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics, fully support the government-owned Chevrolet and have always been connoisseurs of Apple Pie.

But we strongly feel that these proposals do not go far enough. It is not just children’s airways that are getting unfairly plugged. Dozens of women with TMJ(temporomandibular joint disorder) and Phallophobia (fear of all things penal) are mandated by the opposite sex into oral gratification that can no longer be tolerated. We call on the transgender community to join us in urging this president and congress to mandate anything and everything with a phallic contour be transformed into a taco-shaped reasonable facsimile. This is the only solution palatable to people of all shapes, sizes, afflictions and sexual orientations. If we can save just one innocent girl with TMJ from a trip to the emergency room – this will all be worth it.”

Present day Christian Scientist and one-time actor, John Travolta, was asked to comment on the statement from Ms. King. Travolta smirked and smiled while running his hands through his hair and said, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” He then laughed at his apparent cleverness, combed his hair and haughtily strutted from the room in his stone-washed, bell-bottomed jeans.

Ron Palillo, Newly elected President and Spokesperson of NAMBLA (North American Boy Love Association), while not asked his opinion, said, in response to NOW’s proclamation in his overly-emphasized Brooklyn accent, “Oooo, Oooo, What would you expect from those taco munching Lesbos? I know…I know…I mean, my organization and all of our 114 members are diametrically opposed to this bullying tactic. And if we must ally ourselves with the newly formed Tea Party zealots and sway the next election – while regrettable – we WILL do so. In conclusion, and at the risk of mixing my metaphors - I would make a case for a calm and level head in this sea of iniquity. My sources indicate there are hundreds of E.R. visits every decade that can be attributed to rancid tacos sopped in unhygienic topical juice and pubic hair by fat, sweaty hogs.

The cattle are dying.

That’s a fact – Mr Kotter. Look it up my friend.”

Cracker Barrel Restaurants To Begin Serving Negroes

Alabaster, AL - On the heels of declining sales for the last 4 quarters, Cracker Barrel announced its intention to start serving African Americans. Cracker Barrel CEO Jasper "Bubba" Norris made the surprising revelation shortly after a contentious board of directors meeting.

When asked to elaborate on the board's decision to end their decade’s long policy of refusing service to people of color, Norris took a pragmatic approach. "We're a very traditional, Christian, and family-oriented business headquartered in the Deep South.”

“Therefore, our previous policies had been implemented to assure a pleasant and safe dining environment. We can't have people smoking crack in the bathrooms, or pulling knives on the wait staff for their tips, or rampant shoplifting in our gift shops. It just goes totally against what Cracker Barrel built its reputation on."

"Conversely, the current economic climate has forced our hand with respect to keeping the Cracker Barrel a going concern. In a word, Cracker Barrel is hurting financially."

Norris further explained that the new policy would take effect on September 22, 2010 in homage to the nation's anniversary of The Emancipation Proclamation. Norris stated further that “a restaurant divided against itself can not stand.”

Asked what exactly would ensue when the new policies were implemented, Norris explained that besides serving African Americans, the menu would be revamped. "Out of respect to our new guests, 'Blackened' dishes will no longer be offered. Similarly, 'Black Cow' milkshakes and 'Black Angus' steaks will be removed from the menu. Also, with respect to our mulatto guests, the chocolate/vanilla swirl soft serve machine will be set strictly to either vanilla or chocolate as will the dining rooms, naturally. We will also discontinue serving 'half & half' milk.”

A final query was posed to Norris as he prepared to leave the meeting: on this historic day. Will the Cracker Barrel also rescind its policy barring homosexuals and Jews from its restaurants? With a chuckle and in his deep southern drawl, Norris replied, "Now Ian, I said the Cracker Barrel was hurting. I didn't say it was desperate."

HIV Testing Now For Gays and IV Drug Addicts Only

Washington D. C. The U. S. Preventative Services Task Force, the governmental health panel that last week recommended that only women over 50 years of age be given mammography tests for breast cancer, today, recommended that HIV and AIDS screening only be available for gay men and IV drug users that would attest to sharing needles.

Dr. Diana Petitti, who led the health panel said, “This is a health panel. We are most certainly not a death panel. Though, of course, we are willing to accept a higher mortality rate amongst these tiny groups to save money. Clearly that is what the American public wants...

...and as The Kinks once famously said,‘Give the people what they want’. If nothing else, except for a small minority of ne’er do-wells, that is what we are here for.”

Representative Phil Gingrey, a Republican from Georgia asked if there was a possibility that he could get AIDS or at the very least an AIDS test if a suspected lesbian brushed up against him outside of the office of The Secretary of State. Conspicuously, after rolling her eyes, there was no comment given by Dr. Petitti.

In his 68th national address of his 11 month term as the greatest president of our generation, President Barack Obama declared that ObamaCare would certainly save the country money and allow 500 million more Americans free healthcare.

Centuries old Washington D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas queried,“Mr. President, I must question your numbers. First of all, there are only 300 million people in the United States and secondly, what about all of the normal folk that get The Aid from plain, old promiscuous intercourse or being bitten by mosquito’s that have flown-in from sub-Saharan Africa?”

The president retorted, “Now, Helen…I was born in Kenya and I can attest to this as a definite fallacy. Due to the global warming that has taken over our country, a mosquito cannot survive in this climate.”

With that the president smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, “May God bless The United States of America and the petrochemical companies that invented DEET.”

The press corps, sans Thomas, led by Fox News sensationalist, quasi-journalist and Log Cabin Republican Shephard Smith, stood up and applauded.

Obama Challenges U.S. To Sun By End Of Decade

Washington D.C.– Last night, President Barack Obama conducted the 27th prime time press conference of his seven-month old presidency. In a speech rife with varied historical references and quotes, the president initially invoked the words of John F. Kennedy and challenged the country “to land a man on the surface of the sun and return him safely to earth by the end of this decade.

We do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.”

There is no time for debate. That is why today…I have taken the bold step of allocating NASA $40 trillion to fund this mission.”

The Mao of Now continued, “This must happen. And it must happen NOW!!

The Savior of our Behavior emitted, oh-so eloquently, “Now, I know that the nattering nay bobs of negativity will say that this can’t be done.

And I say – It MUST be done!!

As the great Bruce Springsteen wrote,
’Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun…
But mama, that's where the fun is…’
And if we are gonna spend all of this money…we might as well have some fun.

When I was going through college – I spent many an hour in an opium den near Harvard. I incessantly listened to that song as sung by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band…which fueled more than a few drug induced dreams…The most vivid one was a post-racial society where a quasi-black man was calling the moon shots!!

There is a new Boss in town, Mr. Springsteen - and his name is Barack Obama!!

The Highness of Highness continued, “My fellow Americans - we can’t NOT afford to spend this money.

This is the NEW Big Deal.”

In his stilted, halted manner of speaking The Messiah of This Millennium said, “I have learned a great deal… from other great oratory leaders of the last century. And though we all have our faults…Not all of His ideas were bad:

“I harken to a similar time and a very similar man.
His nation, too, was in shambles. A previous ruler had led His country into an unnecessary war, the economy was failing, and a sense of depression filled the air.

Then, He emerged.
He was a powerful speaker, offering hope, change, and a fix to the economy. He called for unity and considered himself an advocate for peace. Some of His political opponents cast Him as naive and inexperienced. I can think of no greater tribute, so today we will also be renaming OUR political party – The National Socialist Party.

“Ich bin ein Berliner!

“And if any of you loyal countrymen and women have heard disinformation that they are spreading about us – Please call 1-666-NAU-GHTZ or go to our government website and blow the whistle.

“Our final solution – is to build an Autobahn to the Sun."

The Ace of Space continued, “Today – I am proud to announce that the new space vehicle whose ear marks will, once again, make Texas a blue state, is the Volks Shuttle - an eco-friendly answer to America’s manned-space flight gap.”

Upon learning this news - former President Bill Clinton initially offered to join the mission, but later recanted upon learning that there were no beautiful, young, Asian female journalists being held prisoner on the sun.

President Obama’s physical appearance was very different at this press conference. His American Flag lapel had been replaced by an Iron Cross and instead of his clean shaven face – whom Fox news has cruelly named – Hope-a-Dope - had grown a thick, rectangular mustache just above his lip.

The Enlightened One graciously offered to take one question from well-known subversive naysayer and centuries old Washington, D. C. insider and spinster, Helen Thomas.

Ms. Thomas, whom it is speculated, was actually working for Fox News interrogated, “Mr. President, the distance to the sun is over 90 million miles and is – at its core – a nebulous gas that is incapable of supporting the landing of a space vehicle. And from what I have read, it’s – really, really hot.

“Also – we only have 4 months to the end of the decade and we haven’t even begun to build the Volks Shuttle. How do you account for these inconsistencies?”

The Brother of Our Country retorted, “Now Helen, the Volks Shuttle – which was invented and designed by Nobel Prize winner Al Gore – is solar powered, so the Earth’s atmosphere won’t be harmed by dangerous carbon emissions. And Helen, I am sure you didn’t know this, but it only will take us about 8 and ½ minutes to reach the sun – traveling at the speed of light.

The audacity of hope will take us there. Dare to Dream – Helen.”

The Sun King then said, “I want to take you folks back to another song that dazed and confused me while smitten with the wacky tobacky in college.

‘There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day’s done’

In my speech to our school-aged Obama Youth – we’ll all be singin’ this song like my family crooned Kumbaya before my Pappy disappeared.

Yes We Can, my fellow Americans!!”

The reporters then all chanted, “Who’s your Pappy?” and again, “Who’s your Pappy?”

Mr. Obama then winked, waved, smiled and held his right hand directly out over the press corps – most assuredly blessing us all – each and every one.

We - in turn - collectively held out our hand to give him our blessing.

George W. Bush implicated in death of Michael Jackson

Washington, D.C. - On the eve of the crucial Cap and Trade bill vote, a joint statement by House and Senate leaders’ Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reed accused former president George W. Bush of causing pop icon Michael Jackson's premature death.

When asked to elaborate on their accusations, Pelosi and Reed referred to the fact that former president Bush was the mastermind behind 911, caused the AIDS epidemic in sub-Saharan Africa, and is the sole reason the Muslim world hates the United States. "It would stand to reason," opined Pelosi, "that George W. Bush also caused Michael Jackson's death." When pressed to give more concrete proof of their assertions by Washington D.C.’s tenured, local spinster and centuries-old inside-reporter, Helen Thomas, Reed’s reply was, "ask around, see for yourself."

A call to Al Sharpton confirmed Pelosi and Reeds' suspicions. "It's a well known fact that George W. Bush hates black people," lectured Sharpton. "I mean, look what he did to the good people of New Orleans when he steered Hurricane Katrina right smack dab on top of them!...And then had the gall to blow up the levees to boot!"

Billionaire financier George Soros was approached later in the day after a meeting for comment. "Of course George Bush should be the prime suspect; he's the Hitler of our time isn't he?" "My family is Jewish and was persecuted by the Nazis. Do you think Nazis love African-Americans?" Shaking his head in disbelief, Soros' last retort was "put two and two together, it should be obvious."

Embattled newly elected Minnesota senator and prankster Al Franken was quick to point out that "Michael Jackson probably should have died years ago, but because George W. Bush enjoys slowly torturing people, he got to bask in Michael’s excruciating demise over years - instead of days. In fact, I was given inside information from Sean Penn that The King of Pop was actually in Guantanamo Bay being water boarded when everyone thought that he was living the life of luxury in a high rise in Dubai.”

Being a new senator, I am privy to confidential CIA memos and although I am not crystal clear on the subtleties of national security, I have seen documents that indicate that more than 80 percent of Mr. Jackson’s plastic surgery can be attributed to the torture that he received in Cuba.

In a related story, Ryan O'Neal accused George W. Bush of giving anal cancer to his deceased longtime companion Farrah Fawcett. "Everyone knows he (Bush) likes to stick it to you in the rear. It's a miracle the entire country doesn't have ass cancer!"

And the estate of David Carradine is fingering the former president as being the "rope man" in the unfortunately timed death of the longtime actor.

OBAMA to Buy ABC – Develop Talent Show

Washington, D.C. - Today, after his recently completed listening tour, President Barack Obama announced that the U.S. government will take over the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) for 2 trillion dollars. The president began, “Today, my fellow Americans, I have heard your calls for change — The American government is taking the disdainful step of having to buy ABC. Let there be no doubt here, the company is in no financial crisis and there is no problem with the financial solvency of the American Broadcasting Company.”

The President Of All Things American continued, in his halting, stilted manner of speaking, “The problem lies…. with a basic tenet. This… is the American Broadcasting Company and it… should be owned by the American public. This is no corporate coup d’état. I am in control here — at the white house.”

The Al Haig of the new millennium said, “Now, we will not take a role in the day to day operations of this company — except at only the most basic level. Therefore, beginning at 1pm Eastern Daylight Time, I will meet with the creative team that I have formed, headed by former Secretary of Labor, Robert Reich, to begin printing 2 trillion freshly minted dollar bills and then immediately commence reshaping our nightly line-up. And let me assure you my fellow Americans — Bob, is indeed, ready for prime time.”

The post-messianic leader who is also in charge of General Motors droned on, “Our first order of business is to compete with American Idol which is produced by the anti-marxist conspirators at Fox. This… is a new day for America and we don’t need to look towards capitalist greeders that hate — for our nightly dose of banal entertainment.”

The Entertainer in Chief continued, “The first show in our insipid lineup… will be a direct competitor that will promote the talents of injured American service members from our most recent four wars in the Middle East. This show… will be based on a tried and true formula for success — hip hop, handicapped service members and a ritualistic demeaning by pseudo-celebrities.

Our working title is, Stump the Stumps, where dismembered service men and women will try to guess hip-hop “song titles”…in the fewest notes possible.

The Mao of Now explained, “Overly-degrading, overly-sympathetic and overly-patriotic comments will be interjected… by a four-member panel of celebrities. Those up for consideration include Verne Troyer, Travis Tritt, Billy Dee Williams and Farrah Fawcett — if she is able to endure her current round of chemotherapy.
If necessary, we are looking into the prospects of having Kate Jackson stand-by. This should appeal to all of our major demographics.”

The president was then asked a follow-up by centuries old Washington D. C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas. “Mr. President, you are overstepping your mandate by acquiring ABC which owns Disney and ESPN. This will eventually lead to the government owning every corporation in America. You are using the mutilated members of our military for your national legacy.

The President For Life cast a stern glance and said, “Now Helen — You know that is not a question.”

Mr. Obama then smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, “May God bless you all… and may god bless The United States of America… and any financial holdings by our Union.”

Obama Calls For Open Dialogue On Slavery

South Bend, IN - Today, President Barack Obama, while accepting an honorary degree from The University of Notre Dame, took a bold step by calling for an open dialogue on slavery.

Obama began, "The other night while sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom — I had a dream — The dream was of ALL black men and white men, rich and poor, all living as one — with the possibility we all would have an equal chance to become slave and slave owner.

Our nation's savior continued, "Wouldn't we all like the chance to access our ancestors' personal history by singing, We Shall Overcome, or by giving a semi-human that is our own personal property — a good flogging?

The Messiah Incarnate then said, "Now, I am not talking of an old idea — Racial Slavery — I am speaking of a New Idea, a New Dream. A chance for every last one of us to choose his or her own destiny and ask — 'Do I choose to be a Master or a Slave?'

I call this a pro-choice position."

Many students and faculty at the university had refused to attend or had spoken out against the president's commencement address because slavery is against the official doctrine of the Catholic Church.

The president outlined his vision — as some in the crowd of graduates jeered and held up signs, one which said, Slavery IS NOT A CHOICE — IT'S A way of LIFE!! Others protested in silence by simply wearing masks of Abraham Lincoln.

The president continued, "Where this debate will end — I do not know, but because I am uniquely qualified to see both sides of this issue — I offer these guidelines:

All Slaves will have free, universal healthcare which will be funded by property owners. This will strengthen the bonds which tie us all together — to our penultimate master.

All Masters — will have the right to run co-opted 'plantations' where cotton and tobacco will be grown in abundance. This will be the catalyst for America’s second industrial revolution.

All Masters will also have the choice as to whether each slave is worth having. In this new world there will be no un-wanted slaves.

There must be a viability timeline. I won't draw those lines. That is for others to decide.

But by 26 weeks or so after a master has purchased or conceived a slave — each master shall have the right to terminate — in a medically sterile, safe and legal procedure — a slave that has been purchased at an inconvenient time for that master.

There will be no more back alley lynchings under my administration.

After that point — each slave shall be given a 3/5 vote in any subsequent election, will have free healthcare coverage and shall have the right to sing any of the traditional slave hymns from our collective past — while working 12-16 hours a day in the unbearable heat."

The president then smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, "May God bless Me and My intellectually superior ideas — and may God bless The Fighting Irish."

Will America Swallow Snatch Juice?

The ad is controversial, yet many men (and some closely shorn women) can’t turn down the newest energy drink in your local grocery store. Snatch Juice is being marketed as Mother Natures Finest Energy Drink and comes from our friends at West Planet Beverages — who also brought you Jolt Cola. The mostly female marketing staff promises to continually quench the thirst of anyone who “tastes the place”.

And they are lapping it up, very methodically.

West Planet is also working on varying degrees of pulp content (although exact details are yet to be finalized).

Ms. Weems wouldn’t comment on the rumored new energy pellet product — Gummy Snatch — which is gummy fish with Snatch Juice flavoring.

Ms. Weems said that marketing will occur at every demographic segment and that West Planet is currently installing vending machines at the local YMCA for maximum penetration. “We want everyone to partake! Everyone!!” Weems was referring to the hard to reach African American segment of the market which doesn’t engage so quickly to partake of food or beverage at the Y.

The ad is stirring up quite a bit of publicity for West Planet and is causing some discussion among parent groups. Parents for Uplifting Moral Principles (PUMP) says that the name is only the beginning of the offensiveness. Spokesperson, Sid Varga said, “The pink packaging has a slit all the way across the top with a small nipple on one side and a hole at the bottom — I think we know what they are trying to create here — and it should be offensive to every consumer!!”

VP of Product Juiciness, Kelly Tonguenticer, replied with “Huh? I don’t know how the packaging or the name can offend anyone.” She also said that her product team “developed the patent pending lid that increases the Maximum Uptake Flow Factor (MUFF) — which is the energy drink industry standard for measuring a consumer’s speed of intake.”

Whatever the controversy, West Planet is enjoying the afterglow of a job well done.


Al Gore was in seclusion and despondent in his twenty-room, 10,000 square-foot humble abode last night after his near-apparent mental breakdown was brought on by a strategic nuclear strike by Israel on Iran’s nuclear facilities.

Israel’s tactical nuclear strike on Iran’s nuclear production facilities has lead to rising tensions in the Middle East and around the rest of the God-fearing, internet-connected world.

Al Gore’s spokesperson, Kalee Kreider, said that the inventor of the internet was holed-up watching his 214 inch high definition television analyzing videotape of the Tennessee Titans’ disappointing 2009 season with Verne Troyer, Jeff Fisher and Eddie Vedder in a 30 foot hardened bunker-like facility in the basement of his “man-castle”. The former Vice President reportedly has a handgun, which he is legally licensed to carry, a handful of cyanide capsules and an 8X10 photograph of Eva Braun.

It has been reported by ESPN, CSPAN and TMZ that Alec Baldwin and Urban Meyer have been summoned to join the brain trust. Although the goal of such a meeting in unclear.

In her prepared statement, Ms Kreider, said Mr. Gore hasn’t reportedly been this despondent since the prototype for his self-contained methane-powered vehicle, “The Gas Grabber”, was summarily dismissed as “a subhuman, modern day, rickshaw, shit-hole” by Car and Driver Magazine in August 2007. Some readers may remember that a similar car, “The Crap Shooter” was also rejected last year. “Same Shit Hole – Different Car” was the headline of the June 2008 Car and Driver article that claimed that the new vehicle’s only difference from the previous prototype was that it was painted green and retro-fitted with a mini-windmill as the hood ornament.

Gore is now reportedly troubled that even the thought of an all-out global thermonuclear war might shift the world’s focal point from the climate change debate and subsequent legislation that the former Nobel Prize winner feels is imperative in “this most critical time of the world”. Kreider continued, “I don’t know if it is clear to the irrelevant, thick-headed Americans that haven’t been working on this problem for 33 years and aren’t as brilliant as Mr. Gore. But if there is a nuclear war – some stupid, stupid people may not focus on optimizing tax credits for double-paned windows, building windmills in their backyards, and becoming vegetarians - who can minimize their individual expulsion of beef-induced methane.”

In a written statement issued by the spokesperson, Gore asked said that “In this seminal moment - Americans should volunteer to accept with open arms all radioactive peoples of the world. Concentrated Camps should quickly be established in Nevada – so that the world can deliberate more pressing concerns”.

Laser Treatment Targeted For Porn Pelt

LIVERMORE, California - The Department of Energy announced today that the National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) has certified the completion of the world's most powerful laser. The National Ignition Facility (NIF) at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (LLNL) is the culmination of 10 years of work at a cost of around 3.5 billion dollars.

The historic laser is said to be able to simulate the energy force of a hydrogen bomb. Researchers are hoping a series of experiments will allow it to eventually mimic the heat and pressure found at the core of the sun or at least the inner core of the Earth, known by some as the “magma”. "The NIF is well on its way to achieving breakthroughs in science never imagined," said Dr. Theo "Ted" Nugent at the press conference held at NIF headquarters on Sunday to coincide with opening round of the NBA playoffs.

Noted actor Ron Jeremy has been tapped for one of the first experiments to utilize the laser's phenomenal power. This will entail an attempt to remove the previously impervious pelt growing on the pop-porn culture icon's back. This reporter's initial attempt for comment from the actor was met with this four letter tirade: "How the hell would I know what Ron Jeremy thinks, you fucking moron! I'm Stan Van Gundy!"

When the actual Ron Jeremy was finally contacted, he was nearly in tears at the prospect of finally being able to shed his nickname, "The Hedgehog," after completion of the laser treatments.

In a related story, a belligerent Dr. Evil was escorted from the premises after his offer to purchase the “laser” for one million dollars was summarily rebuffed. He was heard shouting, "You haven't heard the last of Dr. Evil!" as he was heaved ass over tea kettle into a dumpster behind the loading dock.

Local Border Czar Makes Good

EL PASO, Texas - Border Czar to take on US/Mexican border crime. Mexican police, meanwhile, seize U.S. made weapons capable of a "massacre."

The very same day that President Barack Obama was to appoint a border Crime Czar to combat drug cartel violence, Mexican special assistant Pancho "Slim" Alarcon announced that the state police had confiscated four U.S. made crossbows capable of destroying a mature agave plant at 60 feet.

"This may well be one of the most destructive weapons of its type ever seized in Mexico," a visibly shaken Alarcon replied. The crossbows, Excaliber, "The Nuge" Ted Nugent signature models were mounted on hip slings enabling one person to simultaneously shoot two crossbows at the same time.

Mexican ballistics experts estimated that a crossbolt armed with armour piercing tips could easily penetrate a one inch thick stack of week old corn tortillas. "And you don't want to know what a crossbolt armed with hollow points can do to a watermelon," a distressed Alarcon said.

The discovery of the weapons in the northern state of Chihuahua serves notice that the drug cartels are ready for all-out war. Authorities have not yet said how the weapons were smuggled into the country, although an anonymous source speculated that a recent Ciudad Juarez concert by the aforementioned Nugent and subsequent peccary hunt may have been the source of the contraband.

Mexican officials have repeatedly said that if the U.S. government wants them to curb the northward flow of drugs, America will have to curb the southward flow of out-of-control, has-been, gun toting rock 'n' rollers.

Obama Suggests Left is New Right

Washington D.C. - Today, President Barack Obama took the unexpected step to mandate that every American drive on the left hand side of the road.

In explaining, the president said, “In this case, Europe has clearly paved the path for our country to take – both figuratively and literally. Our country has clearly moved to the middle, and by middle, I mean the left.”

The hallowed savior of America continued, “this should save – plainly, billions of barrels of oil per day, quite simply, by reducing the radius on left hand turns. My fellow American’s this is, quite simply, the type of ‘out of the box’ thinking that my campaign promised during my candidacy for the White House. Without this type of thinking, America will be reduced to a Second World Nation.” Continuing, the president said, “Do you folks realize that this is one of the landmark steps that the European Union has implemented that has moved Europeans significantly ahead of Americans in reducing our collective carbon footprint?”

“This action, along with improving our improvement on nationalized healthcare and converting to the metric system will allow us to be the beacon on a hill that the rest of the world will seek to emulate”, said President Obama.

Washington D.C.’s tenured, local spinster and centuries-old Washington inside-reporter, Helen Thomas followed up with President Obama on his reasoning for his “Reforms of the Week”.

The president whisked aside Ms. Thomas question, saying that he had no time attending to “this junkyard of idiotic trivialities.”

The president then smiled that broad smile of his, winked, waved and said, “Thank you all and may God bless America. And by God – I mean who’s ever God in which each of us believe –or not.”

The president ended by saying, “I will be holding the next presidential address at The Hague.”

Swine Flu outbreak linked to Bea Arthur death

(Washington, D.C.) Death of longtime “comedienne”, Bea Arthur, on Saturday, has been linked to the sudden outbreak of Swine Flu in the United States. Arthur had a largely inexplicable amount of success on television with two series’ (Maude and The Golden Girls), despite not being particularly clever, funny or even semi-attractive.

Centers for Disease Control (CDC) scientist, Jack Burch, said, “Ms. Arthur’s death alone can now be statistically linked to the sharp rise in MRMCPSP (Methicillin Resistant Male Chauvinist Pig Streptococcus Pneumoniae). Her mere presence on the planet kept a large portion of the male genus pre-occupied with having, at one time, been exposed to her attitudes on abortion, PETA and Ms. Arthur’s general disgust with all things man”, continued Mr. Burch. Since her death, that anger, which had long suppressed the natural pro-cockal flora that abounds in our environment, has diminished exponentially.”

Among the best preventative measures you can take – according to the CDC:

Mr. Burch finalized his statement by saying, “There are fourteen years of these episodes out there – just waiting to be man-handled. If you happen to have any of these episodes downloaded to your computer, please forward them, in their entirety, to every male on your distribution email list in a zip file. It is vitally important that these are sent to all men – even those born after the popularity of these two series’. Otherwise, this pandemic may consume us all - as did the 1918 virus that killed nearly 14 billion people.”

When century’s old Washington, D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas asked a follow-up question regarding the accuracy of Mr. Burch’s information, she said, “Mr. Burch, I know firsthand how President Woodrow Wilson (whom Ms. Thomas was intimately involved after the death of her second husband) handled the 1918 virus and your information is patently incorrect.”

Mr. Burch then told Ms. Thomas that she “along with Bea Arthur contributed mightily to The Vaginization of America.” Mr. Burch then stormed off the podium while high-fiving male members of the press corps.

Hawking finally admits to WOPR role

Oxford – In a long anticipated interview that is scheduled to air on The View next week, legendary physicist Stephen Hawking – whom has long suffered from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), admitted to Barbara Walters that he was indeed the voice of WOPR – the computer made famous in the 1983 classic movie War Games.

Hawking had long denied the rumor and was forced into admitting it after a recently published book by Jose Canseco.

Brian Wilson – of Beach Boys fame expressed a sense of “well vibrations” upon learning the news. Wilson had previously, garbledly denied the rumors that, in fact, it was he that had voiced the WOPR after a speech impediment which was brought on by decades of drug abuse.

By the end of the Walters’ interview –reportedly after over 2 hours of berating by Walters - Hawking began crying. The ever multi-tasking, Mr. Hawking, then made another candid admission that it was Babe Ruth, not Lou Gehrig, that he considered the greatest Yankee ever. Mr. Hawking’s nurse, Loretta Swit, dutifully sponged off his intermingled tear drops and saliva from his computer screen and joystick, so he could continue playing his game of global thermonuclear war while continuing the interview.

When asked for a comment, one-time co-star Matthew Broderick launched into a 30 minute diatribe on global warming.

Obama Hints At Fourth Reich

Washington D.C. - Holding his third press conference regarding the financial meltdown facing The United States and following closely in the footsteps of a week filled with bizarre statements, President Barack Obama today attempted to reassure the nation that his administration is taking “every necessary step to revive the flagging U.S. economy.”

The president said that his administration would create yet another appropriations bill to aid the financially strapped corporation – AIG. Mr. Obama stated that “overhauling the banking, healthcare, automotive and housing infrastructure will allow his administration to create a Fourth Reich, which will bring a much needed $328 trillion additional dollars and will allow the American public to finally overcome the financial hardships placed on our country by the Versailles Treaty.”

When asked by a reporter about this apparent non sequitur, Obama answered, “246 toothpicks, there’s only 246 toothpicks”. This was an apparent reference to a statement uttered by Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man.

The President ended his statement by saying, “I want to assure every American that my administration will go to any and all lengths to solve this financial crisis.”

Obama then walked away from the microphone, whispered in the ear of his press secretary and re-approached the microphone. The president then added, “I will be replacing Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner, with former North Carolina Tar Heels basketball coach Dean Smith.” The president further explained, “The Tar Heels are in the Final Four and that, my fellow Americans, is good enough for me.”

With that, the president pointed to an oversized button on his lapel that said, “I’m Up for Downs” and exited the room giving a thumb’s up sign.