TOY STORY 3 - Aka...Barbie gives Ken a Woody

Actually, it’s more like Citizen Cedar.

Remember when you were a kid? You just disappeared into that make-believe world of toys and games. Mom and Dad were perfect. It’s all fun and games – then, in the blink of an eye, I go from being “Little Danny” to “Old Dan Cedar”.

First, it’s “Don’t shit in your pants, little Danny!”

Then, it’s “You throw like a girl. Are you a homo, Danny? Get your hands out of your pants and quit playing with your cock!”

But still – there are times that you have fun – sledding down a hill that is out back of your house. That was the best time of my life!

And then, “Why can’t you make good grades like your brother? Are you a little retard, Danny?” Just for that - your parents send you off to live in some boarding school to be raised by a nice-enough man who is, quite possibly, a Jew.

And then a teacher says in 7th grade, “So, you won’t play with the Jewish kids? Are you some kind of Nazi, Dan?”

From then on – it’s like every time you spew out a racial epithet – "You're a Nazi!!”

That’s what this movie is like. In the first two movies we were just having a good ole time without a care in the world. Taking that wooden sled for another ride down the hill.

Fast-forward 15 years to Toy Story 3.

The protective cocoon is gone that existed in the previous movies. Now you actually feel genuine angst and growing pains for the characters in the movie – and YOU realize what ALL adults realize – there is nothing fair, just or guaranteed in the real, grown-up world.

Some of the past toys are gone. There is no more Stinky Pete, Lenny the Binoculars, Bo Peep or Wheezy the Penguin. They’ve been silently led off to the Zyclon B showers.

But our old friends, Woody, Hamm, Buzz , Barbie, Slinky and the wedded Potato Heads help navigate the upheaval of Andy going off to college and the anxiety and danger filled with finding a fun, happy, plaything heaven – where all good toys go – when their owners grow mature!!

And we get to know some new toy friends and foes.

Barbie finally meets her effeminate heterosexual soul mate, Ken.

Is he good, bad or does he go both ways?

I won’t ruin it for you.


Imagine all of our “allied” toys in the 1953 cinematic classic Stalag 17.

They are captured by the “Nazis” – indoctrinated, incarcerated and finally escape from a Daycare prison camp.

Some of the new toys – as my young friends would say, “Are creepy – like you, Old Dan!”

Specifically, Big Baby, a plastic, giant, teetering, lazy-eyed embodiment of goose-stepping Aryan loyalist Sergeant Schulz.

He is paired with Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear as The Kommandant of the Daycare Prison Camp. Colonel von Scherbach inspired this role.

And there’s a Cymbal Banging Monkey that acts as a Cyber Nazi tower guard – charged with preventing any escapes. Or does he?

Yes, a little more than Creepy!!

Pretty easy to figure out who are the good guys and who are the bad guys …considering the source.

And the movie hits an emotional chord with the separation anxiety from Andy, his toys and his parents.

All things work out in the end. It’s a fucking cartoon for Christ’s sake!!

The only knock that I have on this movie is that it was filmed in a half-ass 3D manner for which there is NO point other than to have the Jews in Hollywood pry another $3 from my wallet which I will never recover!

And the only thing I can spew out before I die – lying prostrate on the bed…“Rosebud!!”