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California Set To Outlaw Condoms

By Ian Specter - Posted on 28 September 2010

(Sacramento, CA) One day after signing an edict into law that will require stores to discontinue using plastic bags for groceries, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a law banning condom sales.

In barely audible english the governor emphasized, “The outlawing of the trillions of tonnage of latex prophylactics will free up the landfills of the great state of California for other refuse. With the recently enacted “Marriage Equality Act” – California is on pace to excrete an enormous amount of documents related to divorce filings and are currently on pace to double the amount of discarded wedding dresses and Superdry Cargo Pants in our landfills.".”

Conan The Governor continued, "To limit these excesses on our state – we must make cutbacks. We, of course, realize that the dearth of condoms will have unintended consequences with an increase in the HIV, the AIDS and the genital warts. This, in no way, should be misconstrued as a governmental intendency to wipe out the homosexuals.”

“Let me state this unequivocally – California loves our homosexuals. California loves our homosexual tax dollars. And to prove this to our homosexual demographic – we will also be outlawing any and all cholesterol medications which have been shown to be primarily prescribed to middle-aged heterosexual men.”

“However we do think that the natural augmenting in the death toll of Californians and the subsequent increase in natural human decomposition will lead to a re-birth of mother earth and will ultimately lead to a greater human experience for all Californians, all Americans, and consequently, all Austrians.

And with that, The Governator winked, smiled and waved to the crowd, “God bless California, God bless Austria and please go see my newest movie, The Expendables, which has nothing to do with the way I feel about homosexuals.”

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