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THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED - Aka...You Fight Like A Girl


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 14 August 2010

The trailer for this movie goes something like this.

Everything was planned.

Everything was predicted.

Then something went wrong.

Dead on…

Kind of like this country…

Remember – two years ago – we were entering the era of post-racial America – lead by the greatest Kenyan-American president of our great country’s history. We had a young virulent, giant-cocked leader of our country that would save America’s babies from the disasters of green-house gasses, greedy republicans and give us what would finally set us free:

Universal Health Care For All.

Truth, Justice and the Socialistic way.

Anyway, back to the film. Who the fuck is Alice Creed and why should we fucking care?

Of course, the only way that Old Dan Cedar starts caring - is by being drawn in to a good story. This movie is about the kidnapping of this chick – Alice.

I was instantly drawn in to the story by the 10 minute – almost unspoken – set up of the two kidnappers – Danny and Vic – getting prepped for the abduction.

It’s fast paced and really well done.

But – unless it’s a short film
- ten minutes does not a movie make.

Alice (the snatchee) gets the B and D and S and M.

Never met a girl that doesn’t seem a little sexier with a ball gag.

Like I said - I am into this movie - Happy as a clam.

I am ensconced in a Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism thriller.

Then – the problems begin.

Instead of this being a BSDM movie – it turns in to an LGBT “thriller”. For those of you not playing along with the newest acronyms - that is Lesbian Gay Bi-sexual Transgender

It’s not The Usual Suspects and there is no Keyser Soze.

Turns out – Alice Creed (Gemma Arterton) is a spoiled-ass rich, entitled girl that doesn’t appreciate much of anything that she has been given by her daddy and thinks that the ONLY BOY for her is a BAD BOY.

The problem is that her ‘bad boy’ (Danny) also has a hankering for his own ‘bad boy’ (Vic).

For those of you not doing the mental geometry – this is a called a love triangle.

Not that I want to pre-judge all prison bunk buddies, but… as it turns out - these hostage takers had been oil rigging while in stir.

But our female protagonist (Alice) isn’t a passive damsel in distress. This is one of the strongest female lead performances that I have ever seen. The movie is worth seeing – just to see a strong willed female not just lie there and take it. She is out to save her own ass – the boys can go fuck themselves – and they probably will - if given half a chance.

Here is the other deal. The performances by the two male leads are equally as strong. So, what goes wrong?

Not that I want to personally judge your sexual predilections. It’s just that since the surprise package that I got watching The Crying Game – some 18 years ago, my sexual orientation trust factor has been markedly diminished.

This movie – does what a lot of “thriller” movies tend to do – there is a tendency for the movie to want to put so many twists and turns in that – the story becomes implausible.

So, this movie is the exploration of a love triangle for your Fucked-Up Proposition 8 generation of overly-entitled bi-sexual, homosexual and heterosexual Democrats out to protect our babies from the maniacal Republicans that want to bring back the plantation and want the Supreme Court to revert back to its Plessy vs. Ferguson – separate but equal view of the constitution.

Not that the Republicans get a pass from your reviewer, Old Dan Cedar. The engineer that lives next door to me - trims his trees – on a ladder – with a fucking circular saw.

Good idea.

Let’s not give back control of congress to these guys – just yet.

But the judicial system has spoken. We are, now, in not just a post-racial, but post-sexual age where sex and sexual orientation doesn’t matter. You can marry whoever the hell you want – because it’s justice for all and THIS is the American way.

Well – at least until the next election…I don’t remember this being part of the Superman comics. Maybe this is the Bizarro America with the Black Superman. He swoops down to save the lady’s bi-sexual baby falling from the skyscraper – accidentally thrown out with the bathwater.

An unexpected twist – an unnecessary turn.

Then something goes wrong.

Maybe Keyser Soze killed the baby!

Maybe President Mandingo ate your baby!

And like that – he was gone! (I Hope)

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