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Old Dan Cedar’s Worst and Better Movies of 2011


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 26 February 2012

Although Old Dan has missed a few movies…as we all do…one of those being The Artist which I won’t see unless I lose my ability to hear. There were metric tons of movie manure churned out during the 52 weeks of 2011… But a lot of really bad movies have been lauded as a tasty treat by critics far and wide. As an old friend of mine, Sonny Parsons, used to say, “Most of you don’t know shit from good-grade apple butter.” Now…I’m not too up on my southeast Texas colloquialisms…but, from where I sit…that’s about right. But, enough of my yakkin’…on to the 2011 Shit List.

Old Dan Cedar’s Worst Movies of 2011


1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
One of my favorite movies of all time, Planet of the Apes, has been bastardized, re-shaped and has thoroughly had the heart and soul taken out. It’s resorted to CGI histrionics and titanic leaps of logic to set the premise. All “animals” have inalienable rights. For some unknown reason, that one fucking word was left out of the fucking U.S. Constitution. What little joy I got from this film was that the worst fucking actor of the 21st Century, James Franco, get his lame-ass out-acted in every fucking frame of this film by a CGI Ape. Huh…Maybe the CGI Ape could actually pull off hosting the Academy Awards without being a complete tool.

2.) The Green Hornet
Ya know…I’ve never been a big fan of slapstick comedy. And since the silent era of film making has been, ya know, over…for 80 years…one would think that the era of grab-ass buffoonery would have stepped aside. But “The Brilliant” Seth Rogen – The Zionist Canuck – wants to roll back the hands of time – if not to the silent era, then to, at least, the Peter Sellers/Pink Panther nonsensical French-beloved horseshit. But what the hell does Old Dan Cedar know? If the 5,783 members of the Academy Awards voters pick a silent movie for Best Picture this year…Maybe a 2015/100th anniversary re-dux of Birth of a Nation starring Seth Rogen in black face playing the role of Black Buck Gus isn’t that much of a stretch.

3.) A Dangerous Method – Right up there with Black Swan for the most melodramatic, over-acted, pretentious, piece of shit ever put on film. Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Keira Knightley, psycho-sexual thriller “drawn from real life.” Yeah, kind of like the yarns weaved by Joseph Smith about the golden plates. “I had them. But then I returned them to an angel. So, I can’t actually show them to you.” Sounds a tad bit far-fetched…kind of like the plot of A Dangerous Method. Now, if Mr. Smith could have just convinced the director of A Dangerous Method that God had commanded Mila Kunis to dry hump Keira Knightley…Old Dan might have become a Latter Day Saint. But, this movie would still suck.

4.) Source Code This movie was so late in the year that Old Dan didn’t have time enough to put sarcasm to paper. If time had served…the Aka…Ground Hog Train…would have been the title. The plot, for those that missed it…Dead Asshole (Jake Gyllenhaal) – in eight minute incremental countdowns, tries to save a train (at least a dozen times) full of (soon to be bombed) assholes in an “alternate universe” where time can be turned back with some kind of magic wand computer and with the mind numbing 256 Computer Graphic special effects from a 1986 cartoon episode of Lazer Tag Academy. Source Code’s gross revenue to date $123 Million. Rotten Tomatoes critics give it an aggregate score of 91%. Yeah, and Old Dan’s anus tastes as sweet as pumpkin pie.

Idiots.

5.) Green Lantern
– At a cost of $200 Million – this green squirting turd starring Ryan Reynolds takes the opposite superhero approach to its humor than did The Green Hornet. Where EVERYTHING is supposed to be funny in The Green Hornet…Nothing feigns personality, much less a sense of humor in, Green Lantern. Turns out…Green Lantern started with the intention to be a comedy with Jack Black in the title role. Then…after some naysaying by the Com-Con Nerds - decided to go with the much more “serious” actor…Ryan Reynolds. Ba Da Bing…Ba Da Boom…two years, two directors, four screenwriters and a post-production 3D altering later…we got this …Emerald Anal Juice.

Hey Hollywood - Just so ya know…if you want to throw some fucking money away…DAN CEDAR IS FOR HIRE.

Close But No Cigar
In a year that saw some of the worst movies of all time…and where TV…yes, The Boob Tube…offered better entertainment than the movies…it was a tough gig to pare this down to the five worst movies of 2011.

Honorable mentions:

Sucker Punch – A notch below soft-core, lesbian-prison porn. Superheroes get more scantily clad and banal by the frame.

Bridesmaids – Since the ill-fated Equal Rights Amendment went down in flames some thirty years ago…the feminists have been slowly sticking it to the man for not giving them each - their own little strap-on. Payback comes in Bridesmaids…where the chicks act like they have dicks and try to top the gross-out-boy-humor of The Hangover numbskulls.

Texas Killing Fields – So, I already knew that Sam Worthington wasn’t much of an actor. No surprise, here. But that Jessica Chastain and Chloe Grace Moretz would both end up in this Meandering Meadow Of Death is downright shocking. Both of these great actresses showed up multiple times in Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies of 2010 and 2011.

A Separation- Iranian soap opera about a couple that hates each other. A grandfather that has Alzheimer’s and is constantly soiling himself. And the couple’s child that can’t decide with whom she wants to live. Supposedly, there is some political subtext about the Iranian government. Fuck if I know. There is NO protagonist…unless you’re cheering for the old man to not shit himself. Personally, I didn’t care if these characters lived, died, layed or prayed to Allah. NO SOUP FOR YOU!!

Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies of 2011

The reason I saw so many movies in 2011 was because I was trying to get enough films in to get 5 movies that were great. Originally, I had settled on 4 Great and 1 Good movie. Then, I saw A Better Life.

1.) Hugo 3D – What begins as a child-like adventure through the eyes of a miscreant Dickensian orphan that keeps an old clock running in a train station - evolves into an homage into the origins of film making. Martin Scorsese directs the best 3D live action movie to date. But it’s more than just beautifully shot. Hugo balances the right amount of humor and action with a wonderful bit of acting by Ben Kingsley to top it off. Hugo got more Academy Award nominations than any other movie, but I have a bad feeling in my gut that it won’t go away with Best Picture. But, it damn well should.

2.) The Help
1960’s Jim Crowe era of African-American maids find their collective voice through the author-child of one of their Mississippi employers who has a penchant for bonding with these women, listening to their stories – and putting them to paper. Stand-out performances by Viola Davis, Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer. You will notice a dearth of: CGI histrionics, gun battles, and sword fights. And not a damned word on global warming…and who is causing it. And that’s how you make a winner. In a potentially dicey proposition – the director/screenwriter Tate Taylor navigates a tight set of performers, paired with some excellent writing. Biggest Surprise: Mr. Taylor, who is white, doesn’t get nominated for writing or directing The Help.

What the fuck??

Maybe we aren’t as color blind as we’d like to think. Big Fucking Newsflash.

3.) Take Shelter
– Another writer/director, Jeff Nichols, got snubbed for Take Shelter.

“Is anyone seeing this?” A question the lead character asks when terrifying storms begin to roll into his Ohio town. It’s the same question Old Dan Cedar had when I first saw Take Shelter. The answer is “No.”

Why?

Because Take Shelter was released in all of 91 theatres around this entire fucking country. Michael Shannon (Boardwalk Empire) and Jessica Chastain (Every movie made in 2011) star as wife and husband in this indie film about a couple dealing with the hubby’s paranoid slide into schizophrenia, surrounded by the impending global apocalypse. On top of that their daughter is deaf. Now quit rolling your eyes. As King Hippo would say…”This is only the premise…It’s what they do with it that matters.” The way Rocky wasn’t really a story about boxing…Take Shelter really isn’t really a story about the apocalypse or schizophrenia…it is about a family sticking together through thick and thin. You didn’t see Take Shelter the first time around. Put it in your damned DVD queue today.

4.) The Guard
Here is another one that you didn’t see and another where a writer/director was slighted - John Michael McDonagh. There seems to be a theme…huh?

The Guard plays out in Ireland where a “good old boy” Irish cop (Brendan Gleeson)…if there is such a thing…is joined by FBI sidekick (Don Cheadle). The dialogue is quick and sharp. But the brogue is thick and a little hard to understand without subtitles. As with Take Shelter - there is no tidy ending in The Guard. In an era when most comedies suck any active brain material out before you exit the theater…The Guard dips, ducks, dives and dodges. It doesn’t hit you with a wrench, but it will make you guffaw out loud with its no sacred cow wit.

5.) A Better Life
A Better Life follows an illegal Mexican immigrant, played by Demian Bichir, in his day-to-day work drudgery. He buys his boss' truck to set out on a course to make ...anyone, anyone... a better life for himself and his fourteen year old son. As anyone who has had a fourteen year old son can attest. These aren't the easiest of times. When the father buys the truck we are set down a road of adventure that leads us to a great story and a greater understanding of what most Americans don't want to see. Ya know those 'dirty Mexicans' are people too. In fact, some are really good people, if not lucky, just trying to make a day. Kiss your kids...and remember you live in the greatest country in the world. NOW, BE THANKFUL AND BE NICE - YOU ASSHOLES!!

This is where the great movies ended in 2011.

6.) The Ides of March – I was dying to find a way to take this off of my top 5 list and - ALL PRAISE TO ALLAH - I was able to move The Ides of March to number 6. But, like I said, it wasn’t a strong year for film. This is where the good movies begin. George Clooney and Ryan Gosling star as a political candidate and his chief aid. Best thing about The Ides of March is that it shows the underbelly of dirty politics and pulls no punches while doing it. Credit to Clooney who directs.

Now, If you really want to be moved by drama. You don’t have to drag your fat ass of the local fat-fuck filled gigaplex. In no particular order, here is the best of TV 2011: Homeland, Justified, Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad,and American Horror Story. And we don’t even have Mad Men back from hiatus.

If Hollywood has another year like 2011 – and lemmings like you keep going to see this infantile entertainment. We may change the name of our website to sarcastictvreviews. Having to watch Network TV all day.

With all apologies to William Holden…

I AM MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Actually, I should probably be thankful. Sarcastic Movie Reviews are much easier to write for shitty movies.

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