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ANGEL OF DEATH TO RETIRE IN 2012


By Ian Specter - Posted on 21 July 2011

(Death Valley, CA)

The Grim Reaper announced his pending retirement December 21, 2012 at a hastily convened news conference on the eve of the annual Death Valley Marathon. Asked why he picked this particular day and venue to make his announcement, Death replied, "It seemed like a good day - it's 113 degrees in the shade and I've got a few competitors on my list to reach out and touch before this event is over. So I figured I might kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."

Asked about the significance of the date of his retirement, Death said that he wanted something special to mark this historic occasion. "I figured that I would go out with a bang during the Mayan Long Count Calendar’s last day."

"I mean there are all kinds of kooks out there convinced that 12/21/12 will be their last day on earth. So what the hell, I might as well go out with a splash."

When prodded by the semi-retired, Centuries old, former Washington D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas, to reveal any information about that date that the rest of mankind was not privy to. Death replied, "Hey, I can't tell you guys EVERYTHING. You're just going to have to stick around and find out for yourself. But look on the bright side; on your deathbed you will have total consciousness." Death then chuckled, “And from the looks of it…huh…huh.”

Queried as to why he finally decided to retire after a job in which he has held since time immemorial, Death shot back with "I've developed some lower back pain, is that ok with you?!" "Jesus Christ! I'm on call 24/7, have to travel the galaxy on short notice, and am ridiculed with unflattering caricatures and you ask ME why I want to retire?!" "Not to mention all the false alarms I've had to endure!" "What the fuck good are airline miles when you don't have time to use them?!"

After gaining his composure, Death was asked what he planned to do in his retirement. "I'm thinking of taking up golf - it seems like a relaxing game." I also plan on attending some Halloween parties for fun, now that I don't have to actually work them."

What would become of his iconic black hooded monk's robe and scythe once Death retired? "I've already spoken to the Smithsonian who seems very eager to display this stuff in a prominent place in one of their museums.

Plus, I would rather the new guy develop his own shtick, you know?" "In fact, I've already got the rookie in training and he seems to be doing pretty well using a bat and a ball to do the deed."

"You may be familiar with him - ever heard of Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers?"

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